2017 metamorphosism.com St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest

valentine2016

This year’s contest is closed. Thanks to all entrants, and all visitors.
I originally planned to announce the winners earlier, but then I got busy at work, and when I got home I had to make a couscous/vegetable dish that seemed as if it would go quickly, but involved a lot of peeling and chopping so here we are.

The winners:
First of all, our sincere appreciation here at metamorphosism.com to everyone who entered. Everyone had sweet dispositions this year despite a few abrupt but unavoidable random (but mostly minor) rule changes, and there was no fighting or bickering, which was a big relief. So thank you, dudes, it was a lot of fun reading your poetry.
Before I continue: should the entry period be longer next year? It seemed to flash past this time, but maybe I’m just getting older, old people are always talking about how fast time goes by. Or maybe I was just busy (I was). Are two weeks enough? Would three weeks be better?

Ok, the winners:
First of all, to each entrant I say: we should get together for a coffee or a drink or something sometime.
Okay.
By the way, when we were in Ireland early last year, my wife and I – my wife is investigating our ancestors and we hired a genealogy butler and she claimed to have found the village my Irish ancestors came from, a few miles outside Limerick.
Where else could they possibly have come from.
It felt like in that one movie where the cities fold up only it was generations of my family history, folding up neatly on themselves.

Ok, anyway, the winners:
Oh, PS: do you think the creepy little clown drove people away? I thought it sort of captures the shadow side of the holiday, you know? But maybe that is better left to the limericks instead. I’ll try to have a more attractive graphic next year.
Ok.
Here we are:
Honorable mention goes to Cj for an autobiographical work about having Georgia on your mind. NICE TO SEE YOU AROUND AGAIN CJ!!! Have fun in Tbilisi.
Third place goes to TH who is apparently saving those worse limericks he was working on for next year’s contest. See you next year TH (if not before).
Dee gets the silver medal: three really fine limericks and hit a lot of the bonus themes as well. I was really happy to see you contributing, Dee.
Perry Iles takes first place this year, due only secondarily to one of the secret rules of this contest (“Perry always wins”) and primarily to both the quality and quantity of his entries, and his admirable ability to turn on a dime and incorporate new bonus themes as they arise, and also his occasional fucking with scansion, which made me LOL.
See you all next year. Thanks again!

Welcome to the 2017 edition of the metamorphosism.com International Limerick Contest.
Please leave your entries in the comments to this post.

Enter as often as you like.
This year’s theme: CURRENT EVENTS, plus bonus themes to be added as the contest progresses
All participants, new and seasoned veterans, are encouraged to consult the combined FAQ/rules below BECAUSE THEY CHANGE WHILE THE CONTEST IS GOING ON.
No one knows why.
FAQ/Rules

  • Does it have to be a limerick? YES. This is strictly enforced, and non-limericks will not be accepted. Google proper limerick form if you are not sure.
  • How do I enter? POST YOUR ENTRY OR ENTRIES in the comments to this post. Click on comment, or whatever is down there, and add a new comment.
  • When is the deadline? THE DEADLINE is 14 February 2017
  • Do you mean 12 midnight on the night of the 13th or midnight on the night of the 14th? And which time zone shall have seisin of jurisdiction? We have had considerably confusion in the past! NINE AM (CENTRAL EUROPEAN TIME) 14 February 2017.
  • Oh by the way, I have a Quince tree on Cranes Lane. I think I should get a multiplier for that fact. No, sorry, that was last year. Secret multiplier in place.
  • Is there a prize? NOT YET but that might change.
  • Is there a limit to how often I can enter? NO. Enter as often as you like. The more often you enter, the better your chances.
  • HOWEVER ONLY ORIGINAL ENTRIES ARE ACCEPTED. PLAGIARISM RESULTS IN DISQUALIFICATION. No exceptions made for members of the First Family.
  • Can entries be bawdy? YES, absolutely. These are limericks, they can be bawdy, gross, you name it. It’s not required, but it is in the nature of the genre. ALSO: this is for St. Valentine’s Day so points awarded for love/romance/sex-related poetry.
  • Complaints will be deleted. There is no avenue of appeal. Decisions of the judges are final. Be nice, and have fun, and don’t take this too seriously.
  • Is there anything else I can do to be deleted? Yes. Besides complaints, anything else that is not a limerick will also be deleted, especially anything remotely similar to trolling, nastiness or disagreeing with me. That will get you deleted, and whatever else our technicians here can think up. This is meant to be a fun, light-hearted, non-political past-time.
  • Let’s see, what else? Oh yes.
  • Bonus points are awarded for inclusion of themes listed below (No limit to how many themes you may include, the more the better):
  • Last-minute addition: Scottish insults (particularly in combination with USAmerican politics..)
  • Current events i.e. tacky kakistocracy, apocaplexia, alternative facts, Trump, etc etc etc think of it as catharsis.
  • Use of the phrase “tacky kakistocracy” or something even better
  • Utopian visions
  • Musical genres (see here for ideas, thanks Carola!)
  • Cormac McCarthy, Don DeLillo, William Gibson et al
  • Field dependence vs field independence
  • Quantum theory
  • The Tibetan Book of the Dead
  • William S. Burroughs
  • Funeral planning
  • (More themes to come, watch this space.)
  • By entering you grant metamorphosism.com permission to publish your entry electronically on metamorphosism.com, in social media (including but not limited to twitter.com, facebook.com and anything else) as well as in book form, although the latter is REALLY unlikely, without compensation (this is a non-profit venture, and any possible, although unlikely, book would be, you know, for charity most likely).
    AS ALWAYS, RULES ARE SUBJECT TO CONSTANT CHANGE DURING THE CONTEST, SO CHECK BACK OFTEN.

    Now, get cracking.

metamorphosism.com 2016 St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest

IMG_1891

This year’s contest is finished!
Thanks to everyone who entered.
Here are the winners (I was going to leave them in the comments, but they’re not working for me. Are they broken for you too? Did anyone try to enter and find it impossible? Dang.)
Anyhow.

Third place: Tomas Green
Second place: Tim Rebstock
First place: KayO

Congratulations, everyone and thanks for entering!!

Welcome to the 2016 edition of the metamorphosism.com International Limerick Contest.
Please leave your entries in the comments to this post.
Enter as often as you like.
All participants, new and seasoned veterans, are encouraged to consult the combined FAQ/rules below BECAUSE THEY CHANGE WHILE THE CONTEST IS GOING ON.
No one knows why.
FAQ/Rules

  1. Does it have to be a limerick? YES. The judges are very strict. Google proper limerick form if you are not sure.
  2. How do I enter? POST YOUR ENTRY OR ENTRIES in the comments to this post. Click on comment, or whatever is down there, and add a new comment.
  3. When is the deadline? THE DEADLINE is 14 February 2016
  4. Do you mean 12 midnight on the night of the 13th or midnight on the night of the 14th? And which time zone shall have seisin of jurisdiction? We have had considerably confusion in the past! NINE AM (CENTRAL EUROPEAN TIME) 14 February.
  5. Oh by the way, I have a Quince tree on Cranes Lane. I think I should get a multiplier for that fact. OK, BY ALL MEANS. Secret multiplier in place.
  6. Is there a prize? NOT YET but that might change. I have 5kg of quince in my kitchen and hope to make some marmalade and some preserves tonite. UPDATE: I have tried the quince marmalade and it tastes okay so a winner could have a jar of that I guess, but only within Europe because shipping. Not sure about the quince/whisky preserves, haven’t tried that yet so no promises.
  7. Is there a limit to how often I can enter? NO. Enter as often as you like. The more often you enter, the better your chances.
  8. HOWEVER ONLY ORIGINAL ENTRIES ARE ACCEPTED. PLAGIARISM RESULTS IN DISQUALIFICATION.
  9. Can entries be bawdy? YES, absolutely. These are limericks, they can be bawdy, gross, you name it. It’s not required, but it is in the nature of the genre. ALSO: this is for St. Valentine’s Day so points awarded for love/romance/sex-related poetry.
  10. Complaints will be deleted. There is no avenue of appeal. Decisions of the judges are final. Be nice, and have fun, and don’t take this too seriously.
  11. Let’s see, what else? Oh yes.
  12. Bonus points are awarded for inclusion of themes listed below (No limit to how many themes you may include, the more the better):
  13. Limericks written in the voice/evocative of one or more of the following: Sarah Palin, William Gibson, David Foster Wallace, James Joyce, Ray Bradbury, Joyce Carol Oates, Philip K. Dick, Haruki Murakami, Jorge Luis Borges or George R.R. Martin
  14. Lesser-known philosophers
  15. Discredited or unpopular self-help ideas
  16. Invasive species
  17. Alternatives to neo-liberal capitalism
  18. Uncommon fetishes or obsessions
  19. Authors and/or artists with two first initials, such as H.P. Lovecraft and e.e. cummings
  20. Construction cranes
  21. Quince recipes, or other things one can do with quinces, or quince in general.
  22. NEW ADDITION—>Malheur National Forest, Malheur Wildlife Refuge, etc, including but not limited to recent events in them parts, although that might be low-hanging fruit.
  23. “The Revenant” references disguised such that they are not spoilers.
  24. By entering you grant metamorphosism.com permission to publish your entry electronically on metamorphosism.com, in social media (including but not limited to twitter.com, facebook.com and anything else) as well as in book form, although the latter is REALLY unlikely, without compensation (this is a non-profit venture, and any possible, although unlikely, book would be, you know, for charity most likely).
  25. AS ALWAYS, RULES ARE SUBJECT TO CONSTANT CHANGE DURING THE CONTEST, SO CHECK BACK OFTEN.

Now, get cracking.

2015 St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest

2015 metamorphosism.com St. Valentine's day Limerick contest

We here at metamorphosism.com have the distinct pleasure to announce the opening of this year’s St. Valentine’s Day Limerick contest. This could possibly be the contest’s 14th year, if you can believe that.

Time flies.

You may be wondering whether there is a prize this year. So far, no. But that could change. Yes, of course there is a prize. The winner will receive a copy of The Bug, a comic book starring Mig Living’s much-loved orthographically-challenged insectoid, tEh Bgu.

Before entering the contest, please read the following rules. As last year, to encourage you to read the rules, instructions on how to enter the contest are hidden within the rules. Contestants please note slight rule changes below, in the bonus theme section.

  1. No fighting.
  2. The three most important things: Scansion, scansion, scansion.
  3. Enter as often as you like. The more often you enter, the better your chances of winning. But read the other rules first.
  4. Violation of any of the following rules may hurt your chances, so please read them carefully.
  5. Also please note that any of the following rules are subject to change without notice, at the whim of the contest organizers and judge(s). This is a feature, not a bug. By entering you accept this fact, and all of the rules, and even proactively accept future rules the current rules may change to at any time.
  6. Entries must be limericks. (This rule never changes, promise.)
  7. Entries should be artful and delight the reader’s artistic sensibilities.
  8. Being limericks, entries may of course be humorous, bawdy, shocking, obscene, etc., but this is not required. All that is required is that the entry be a limerick (A-A-B-B-A rhyme scheme, etc, look it up). The wikipedia article on limericks, for example, is here.
  9. Points are subtracted for violation of any of these rules.
  10. Points are also subtracted arbitrarily in accordance with the application of the algorithm of unfairness.
  11. Bonus points are awarded for incorporation of one or more bonus themes, listed below.
  12. Bonus themes: failed utopias, gender issues, historical political movements, non-Western musical instruments, dipsomania, food poisoning (especially the bacteria that cause it), capitalism, Ayn Rand, sex dolls, historical articles of clothing, parasites that influence the behavior of the host, especially (but not only) in humans, the history of the tuxedo, B-movie tropes, television detective dramas, supernatural despair especially as portrayed in the fiction of Robert W. Chambers, the various proteins on the surface of the influenza virus, historic epidemics, the economics of monopolies.
  13. Bonus themes are subject to change during the contest, possibly rendering entries previously eligible for bonus points suddenly ineligible.
  14. *NEW*: HARDSHIP POINTS Extra hardship points will be awarded to limericks written without the letter “E”.
  15. But don’t worry, it’s all good.
  16. Entries should be submitted in the comments to this post.
  17. Deadline is 14 February, winners will be announced 14 February.
  18. Judging and other procedures in the conduct of this contest pretend to be crooked, but they are actually pretty fair, but there is never any guarantee this will be the case this time. Just assume the contest is crooked and unfair and you won’t be disappointed.
  19. Complaints will be deleted.
  20. There is no right to, nor avenue of, appeal.
  21. You may enter as often as you like. So check back often to read all the new entries and see if the rules have changed, or the bonus themes.
  22. By entering the contest, you grant metamorphosism.com permission to publish your entry (here in the comments where you enter it, and possibly on facebook or twitter, to publicize the contest) but you retain all rights to your entries.
  23. Feel free to email me at metamorphosist@gmail.com if you have any questions or find one particular limerick especially great or whatever.
  24. Please have fun.
  25. Last, but not least: my deep thanks to my talented friend Bran Fox for designing the logo for this year’s contest, as in so many years past.

 

 

Winners of the 2011 International metamorphosism.com St. Valentine’s Day limerick contest

This year's judge: the Hobo Spider

This year's judge: the Hobo Spider

Due to time constraints, and because it is sufficiently arbitrary and unconstrained by considerations such as fairness, the Hobo Spider was selected to judge this year’s limerick contest. (The entries are here.)

The Lifetime Achievement Award and the 2011 Daunting Proficiency Award both go to JANN this year, the first double award in the history of the contest. I think. I’m not sure and I can’t be arsed to go back and check.

2011 Poet I’d Most Like to Bite on the ankle award goes to Patti.

Snakebearer Award goes to Schnitzi for finding a rhyme for Ophiuchus.

2011 I Was In Your Shoe But I’m Not Anymore Award goes to Ian.

Honorable Mention goes to Michael Berry.

And, finally, this year’s winner is Joeri.

Congratulations and thanks to all participants!

2011 Metamorphosism International St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest

It is a great pleasure to announce the opening of the 2011 metamorphosism.com International St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest.

Winner’s will be announced on Valentine’s Day, 14 February 2011 unless I’m having some crisis or something.

Rules:

  1. Be nice.
  2. Entries must be a limerick.
  3. This year’s themes: Jungian psychology, the recent astrological reform, Icelandic geography, monopolistic corporate imperialism and/or plutocracy.
  4. Entries must be made in the comments to this post.

Winners of the 2010 metamorphosism.com St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest

First of all, thanks to all entrants in this year’s contest, and special thanks to A.C. Teathorn, who kindly agreed to adjudicate this year. Both the volume and quality of the entries makes judging a difficult job, and it’s always nice to have someone else do a difficult job.

Rather than single non-winners out for praise, which only risks pissing people off, let me say only that A.C. Teathorn and I agreed on the high quality of most entries and think you people are really great.

For the first time (I think, and I’m too lazy to check past contests, plus it’s Valentine’s Day and I have to go make waffles in a second) we have a tie for first place, which is the only place that will win an actual prize, seeing as how I am not made of books. So, without further ado, our winners:

Mr. TC: First Place, for the sweetest limerick of this year’s contest

Ms. MN: First Place, for being a genius, among other things.

Thanks to everyone who participated.

Mr. Cand Ms. MN, your prizes are as good as in the mail, as soon as I get around to binding them. Please email me  your preferred mailing addresses.