2017 metamorphosism.com St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest

valentine2016

This year’s contest is closed. Thanks to all entrants, and all visitors.
I originally planned to announce the winners earlier, but then I got busy at work, and when I got home I had to make a couscous/vegetable dish that seemed as if it would go quickly, but involved a lot of peeling and chopping so here we are.

The winners:
First of all, our sincere appreciation here at metamorphosism.com to everyone who entered. Everyone had sweet dispositions this year despite a few abrupt but unavoidable random (but mostly minor) rule changes, and there was no fighting or bickering, which was a big relief. So thank you, dudes, it was a lot of fun reading your poetry.
Before I continue: should the entry period be longer next year? It seemed to flash past this time, but maybe I’m just getting older, old people are always talking about how fast time goes by. Or maybe I was just busy (I was). Are two weeks enough? Would three weeks be better?

Ok, the winners:
First of all, to each entrant I say: we should get together for a coffee or a drink or something sometime.
Okay.
By the way, when we were in Ireland early last year, my wife and I – my wife is investigating our ancestors and we hired a genealogy butler and she claimed to have found the village my Irish ancestors came from, a few miles outside Limerick.
Where else could they possibly have come from.
It felt like in that one movie where the cities fold up only it was generations of my family history, folding up neatly on themselves.

Ok, anyway, the winners:
Oh, PS: do you think the creepy little clown drove people away? I thought it sort of captures the shadow side of the holiday, you know? But maybe that is better left to the limericks instead. I’ll try to have a more attractive graphic next year.
Ok.
Here we are:
Honorable mention goes to Cj for an autobiographical work about having Georgia on your mind. NICE TO SEE YOU AROUND AGAIN CJ!!! Have fun in Tbilisi.
Third place goes to TH who is apparently saving those worse limericks he was working on for next year’s contest. See you next year TH (if not before).
Dee gets the silver medal: three really fine limericks and hit a lot of the bonus themes as well. I was really happy to see you contributing, Dee.
Perry Iles takes first place this year, due only secondarily to one of the secret rules of this contest (“Perry always wins”) and primarily to both the quality and quantity of his entries, and his admirable ability to turn on a dime and incorporate new bonus themes as they arise, and also his occasional fucking with scansion, which made me LOL.
See you all next year. Thanks again!

Welcome to the 2017 edition of the metamorphosism.com International Limerick Contest.
Please leave your entries in the comments to this post.

Enter as often as you like.
This year’s theme: CURRENT EVENTS, plus bonus themes to be added as the contest progresses
All participants, new and seasoned veterans, are encouraged to consult the combined FAQ/rules below BECAUSE THEY CHANGE WHILE THE CONTEST IS GOING ON.
No one knows why.
FAQ/Rules

  • Does it have to be a limerick? YES. This is strictly enforced, and non-limericks will not be accepted. Google proper limerick form if you are not sure.
  • How do I enter? POST YOUR ENTRY OR ENTRIES in the comments to this post. Click on comment, or whatever is down there, and add a new comment.
  • When is the deadline? THE DEADLINE is 14 February 2017
  • Do you mean 12 midnight on the night of the 13th or midnight on the night of the 14th? And which time zone shall have seisin of jurisdiction? We have had considerably confusion in the past! NINE AM (CENTRAL EUROPEAN TIME) 14 February 2017.
  • Oh by the way, I have a Quince tree on Cranes Lane. I think I should get a multiplier for that fact. No, sorry, that was last year. Secret multiplier in place.
  • Is there a prize? NOT YET but that might change.
  • Is there a limit to how often I can enter? NO. Enter as often as you like. The more often you enter, the better your chances.
  • HOWEVER ONLY ORIGINAL ENTRIES ARE ACCEPTED. PLAGIARISM RESULTS IN DISQUALIFICATION. No exceptions made for members of the First Family.
  • Can entries be bawdy? YES, absolutely. These are limericks, they can be bawdy, gross, you name it. It’s not required, but it is in the nature of the genre. ALSO: this is for St. Valentine’s Day so points awarded for love/romance/sex-related poetry.
  • Complaints will be deleted. There is no avenue of appeal. Decisions of the judges are final. Be nice, and have fun, and don’t take this too seriously.
  • Is there anything else I can do to be deleted? Yes. Besides complaints, anything else that is not a limerick will also be deleted, especially anything remotely similar to trolling, nastiness or disagreeing with me. That will get you deleted, and whatever else our technicians here can think up. This is meant to be a fun, light-hearted, non-political past-time.
  • Let’s see, what else? Oh yes.
  • Bonus points are awarded for inclusion of themes listed below (No limit to how many themes you may include, the more the better):
  • Last-minute addition: Scottish insults (particularly in combination with USAmerican politics..)
  • Current events i.e. tacky kakistocracy, apocaplexia, alternative facts, Trump, etc etc etc think of it as catharsis.
  • Use of the phrase “tacky kakistocracy” or something even better
  • Utopian visions
  • Musical genres (see here for ideas, thanks Carola!)
  • Cormac McCarthy, Don DeLillo, William Gibson et al
  • Field dependence vs field independence
  • Quantum theory
  • The Tibetan Book of the Dead
  • William S. Burroughs
  • Funeral planning
  • (More themes to come, watch this space.)
  • By entering you grant metamorphosism.com permission to publish your entry electronically on metamorphosism.com, in social media (including but not limited to twitter.com, facebook.com and anything else) as well as in book form, although the latter is REALLY unlikely, without compensation (this is a non-profit venture, and any possible, although unlikely, book would be, you know, for charity most likely).
    AS ALWAYS, RULES ARE SUBJECT TO CONSTANT CHANGE DURING THE CONTEST, SO CHECK BACK OFTEN.

    Now, get cracking.

Some days Omi is just on the floor

Some days it is a crow wanting your lunch, and some days it is a Slovak home care lady wanting you to help get Omi onto the toilet.
Some days the rain stops and it clears up and you take a walk through golden leaves, buy lotto tickets and salty fruit-nut mix (with rhubarb pieces), take pictures of the sky and the roads are quiet, abandoned, and the sidewalks empty except for a crazy man screaming and another crazy man slinking back and forth up the street and, later, a small lady you cross the street to avoid because you try not to scare women if possible.
Some days the small lady crosses the street too, though, back over to meet you, and walks up to you and asks for help and you realize she had been on the street looking for help but the street was empty but for you.
And you say, sure, what do you need?
I need you to help me get Omi back up. I dropped Omi. There’s nobody else in the house and no one else on the street.
She just slipped through my hands and I (here she gestures to herself, a gesture that emphasizes her lack of size) am small. Too small to pick her back up.
Ok, you say. Sure. You follow her into the house, one of the mansions that line the street. Briefly you think, there could be robbers.
No, vampires.
If you were a vampire and got hungry during the daytime, you’d ask your minion to go invite someone into the house.
You imagine David Bowie and Catherine Deneuve inside the house.
She ushers you up the stairs and into an apartment and into the living room and you wonder, how does one lift an old woman in a hospital gown with no pants on without hurting her or her dignity or your back?
You take one side and the helper takes the other side and you try to do what she does and you get Omi onto the toilet, which is a chair with a cut-out part for a bedpan.
You aren’t sure how much of what is going on Omi understands, to what proportions she is confused or mortified or flustered or resigned or what.
The helper thanks you and you step around the diaper and wish them a nice day.
The streets are still empty, still no crows, all the way back to the office, not a one, nor a dog.

I’m automatically be it’s like a magnet

tangerinedream03

Here is what I did: I took the lyrics of two Tangerine Dream (random choice of band) songs (“Loved by the Sun” and “Kiev Mission” (no special reason)) and the NYT transcript of some things D0n4ld Trump said that recently became notorious and mashed them up in the Hay Kraynen Markov text generator.

I then spent minimal time cleaning up the text (sometimes it gets a little bit mangled in a Markov text generator). Those of you with synthesizers are welcome to use this for your next recording project. If you do, please send me a copy.

Only lightning strikes all the seasons
(spoken) Melania said this was down one of us as a date.

Who sing her, it’s, it’s here, come on shorty.
I’m automatically be it’s like a magnet.
Just kissing her.
You know and forever
Loved
Whoa.

I did try and I moved by the meeting them.
It’s hot as shit. In the good in man, yeah,
that’s, it’s still very beautiful — I just start kissing them.
It’s totally be in my microphone.
It’s some Tic Tacs just start
Legends can be now and (completed)
To be absorbed in the good
if you had to take one of us as a beautiful.

Look at the way, honey. Oh, good.
Hello, how are you.
Terrific. You know, that’s better.
This is much better not be they had a reach for goodness sake
Legends can be now and two go do our show.
Oh, you want.
Grab ’em by the start

You knows
Message
Communicating with friends
To exchange views
Boundlessness
Maybe it’s her. With the bus.
Bushy, Bushy.
Hello, nice co-star here.
Yes, absolutely.
Good.
Continent
Future
World
(that is torn apart

Legends can be now and forever
Teaching spells
Only light. Here we good in man.
Yeah, let’s, it’s like a right there is much between one.
make a right. Here we go.
Make meeting of all that’s a different one.
It better.
This always good legs.

No, no, Nancy. No, it’s better.
Now, if you. How are you? Pleasure right, you are a start
In the wise, there
World
(that’s singing
Hand in the gold. I don’t get in the music of all of love’s eternity
Whose shines so bright
The thought reader knows
Message
Communicating of youth, was married. Then all right
Hand in thought there is the middle.
It’s, it look.

She used to be a soap star,
thank you. Terrific.
You know and with friends can be now got off
the meet you when you’re a pussy.
You know and for good in man, yeah.
Oh, good.
Come on, Billy. You know, she was married.

Two and the bus.
Bushy, Bushy? I just start kissing all the handle.
Let the beginning is at the little hug, darling?
O.K., absolutely.
Good, that’s better.

This is the seasons
Only lightning strikes all the seasons
Legends can be now and even wait.
You know, she’re ready to loved by the seasons

Look at the mystics plays it’s cards
all of all I can see is hope the Fifth on that
is the little guy in?
How you do it. You knows
Boundlessness
Message
Communicating with friends
To exchange views
Boundlessness

metamorphosism.com 2016 St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest

IMG_1891

This year’s contest is finished!
Thanks to everyone who entered.
Here are the winners (I was going to leave them in the comments, but they’re not working for me. Are they broken for you too? Did anyone try to enter and find it impossible? Dang.)
Anyhow.

Third place: Tomas Green
Second place: Tim Rebstock
First place: KayO

Congratulations, everyone and thanks for entering!!

Welcome to the 2016 edition of the metamorphosism.com International Limerick Contest.
Please leave your entries in the comments to this post.
Enter as often as you like.
All participants, new and seasoned veterans, are encouraged to consult the combined FAQ/rules below BECAUSE THEY CHANGE WHILE THE CONTEST IS GOING ON.
No one knows why.
FAQ/Rules

  1. Does it have to be a limerick? YES. The judges are very strict. Google proper limerick form if you are not sure.
  2. How do I enter? POST YOUR ENTRY OR ENTRIES in the comments to this post. Click on comment, or whatever is down there, and add a new comment.
  3. When is the deadline? THE DEADLINE is 14 February 2016
  4. Do you mean 12 midnight on the night of the 13th or midnight on the night of the 14th? And which time zone shall have seisin of jurisdiction? We have had considerably confusion in the past! NINE AM (CENTRAL EUROPEAN TIME) 14 February.
  5. Oh by the way, I have a Quince tree on Cranes Lane. I think I should get a multiplier for that fact. OK, BY ALL MEANS. Secret multiplier in place.
  6. Is there a prize? NOT YET but that might change. I have 5kg of quince in my kitchen and hope to make some marmalade and some preserves tonite. UPDATE: I have tried the quince marmalade and it tastes okay so a winner could have a jar of that I guess, but only within Europe because shipping. Not sure about the quince/whisky preserves, haven’t tried that yet so no promises.
  7. Is there a limit to how often I can enter? NO. Enter as often as you like. The more often you enter, the better your chances.
  8. HOWEVER ONLY ORIGINAL ENTRIES ARE ACCEPTED. PLAGIARISM RESULTS IN DISQUALIFICATION.
  9. Can entries be bawdy? YES, absolutely. These are limericks, they can be bawdy, gross, you name it. It’s not required, but it is in the nature of the genre. ALSO: this is for St. Valentine’s Day so points awarded for love/romance/sex-related poetry.
  10. Complaints will be deleted. There is no avenue of appeal. Decisions of the judges are final. Be nice, and have fun, and don’t take this too seriously.
  11. Let’s see, what else? Oh yes.
  12. Bonus points are awarded for inclusion of themes listed below (No limit to how many themes you may include, the more the better):
  13. Limericks written in the voice/evocative of one or more of the following: Sarah Palin, William Gibson, David Foster Wallace, James Joyce, Ray Bradbury, Joyce Carol Oates, Philip K. Dick, Haruki Murakami, Jorge Luis Borges or George R.R. Martin
  14. Lesser-known philosophers
  15. Discredited or unpopular self-help ideas
  16. Invasive species
  17. Alternatives to neo-liberal capitalism
  18. Uncommon fetishes or obsessions
  19. Authors and/or artists with two first initials, such as H.P. Lovecraft and e.e. cummings
  20. Construction cranes
  21. Quince recipes, or other things one can do with quinces, or quince in general.
  22. NEW ADDITION—>Malheur National Forest, Malheur Wildlife Refuge, etc, including but not limited to recent events in them parts, although that might be low-hanging fruit.
  23. “The Revenant” references disguised such that they are not spoilers.
  24. By entering you grant metamorphosism.com permission to publish your entry electronically on metamorphosism.com, in social media (including but not limited to twitter.com, facebook.com and anything else) as well as in book form, although the latter is REALLY unlikely, without compensation (this is a non-profit venture, and any possible, although unlikely, book would be, you know, for charity most likely).
  25. AS ALWAYS, RULES ARE SUBJECT TO CONSTANT CHANGE DURING THE CONTEST, SO CHECK BACK OFTEN.

Now, get cracking.

Trumpauguration Trump

Trumpways trumpwards-looking, I humbly trumpmit this trumpaguration trump, in the trumps of trumponstrating my trumpfication for the new trumpice of Trumpetary of Trumplish, the trump of which will be to trumpify the Trumplish trumpuage by, where trumpible, trumplacing the first trump of every trump of any trumportance with the trump “trump”.

“My trumplow Trumpericans! Trumpday is a trumpous trump. Trumping here trumpfore you, trumping to you from the trump trumpden of the Trumphouse, I trump to you this: we trumpebrate a trumperful trumptory trumpday. We have trumped those who trumped us, trumpocracy has trumpvailed. And this is trumply the trumpginning. With the trumpport of our trumplies, as soon as we have some, and by trumpselves trumptil then, we shall teach our trumpemies a trumpson, we will trump over there in our trumpforce and trump them back to the Trump Age and they will trump that the Trumpited Trumps of Trump are a trump to be trumpened with. From Trumpifornia to Trump York, Trumpaska, Trumpwaii and Trumpington to Trumpida, the Trumpified Trumps have a single trump: to trump every trump in this sad little trump that we will trump them in the trumping trump, that we will trump them, as the trumpneck said in the trump “Trumpiverance”, “trump like a trump.” Now get back to trump.”

Bifurcation

I woke up, fed the cats, and (here is the innovation) went back to bed for another hour.
Here is one theory of multiple universes: every time you select one of two (or more) alternatives, new universes are created: one in which you did the other thing.
One in which I did not go back to bed, but instead moped around the kitchen for an hour, or went down into my room to write something in a journal.
Or this one: I was standing in front of the Vienna Observatory park making a movie of a tree. A young man nearby waited until I had finished and said, You’re a professor, right? Unfortunately not, I said sadly. (Although we just created an alternate universe in which I am, I did not add.)Undaunted, he asked me if this was the entrance to the Vienna Observatory. I said I believed it was. However it is locked although past opening time, he pointed out (creating an unlocked-gate alternate universe).
I sometimes go for walks in this park, I said, and this is not the first time the gate is locked past opening time. IIRC, there may be another gate up the hill at the other corner, I said.
The young man told me he was to attend an internship for school. Good luck, I said. He left and walked uphill. When I got there (I was dinking around with filters, uploading the film to Instagram) he was nowhere to be seen, and I assumed he had gone in the gate (which was open).
Or this one: in one universe you donate furniture to the Red Cross for refugees, in another you take the furniture apart and drive it to some refugees a friend knows and give it to them personally and you and the refugees and your friends who introduced you carry it up to their apartment (luckily the elevator is working in this universe because they live on the 5th floor) and there you sit amidst a pile of pieces of desk and wardrobe in their living room and realize that, in this universe, you did not think to label the pieces, trusting your memory.
A family of six people watch your every move. Plus two friends and their little boy. ‘No pressure, Mig,’ says one friend.
I took pictures, luckily, you say, unlocking your phone and scrolling through pictures until you find them. In another universe the pictures are really helpful.
You eventually get the desk assembled, or almost – when you are nearly done your wife calls you and informs you you forgot a piece at home. Luckily it is the last piece, so you assemble everything but that, and bring that by the following day.
Also luckily, the refugees are intelligent and observant, and watch you closely, handing you screws right when you need them, or pulling a drawer out so you can tighten a bolt right when you need the drawer pulled out, without you having to say anything.
Forking and forking, good old reality.

Thistles

I had been kind of worried about these thistles this summer. I had meant to shoot them last year but never managed; this year we are having a heat wave and I was afraid it would happen again. Made time this morning though and did a few.

I really like these thistles. I planted them several years ago after someone at the nursery told me local bugs like them. They are popular with wasps and some black and yellow hornet-looking guys; I was surprised no one stung me when I cut a few to put into the vase.

Thistles, F8, 10 seconds, shade, hot day. Reh's new generation collodion

Thistles, F8, 10 seconds, shade, hot day. Reh’s new generation collodion

Thistles. F11, 20 seconds, Reh's new generation collodion, shade, hot day.

Thistles. F11, 20 seconds, Reh’s new generation collodion, shade, hot day.

Thistles. F11, 20 seconds, Reh's new generation collodion, shade, hot day.

Thistles. F11, 20 seconds, Reh’s new generation collodion, shade, hot day.

Thistles. F3.5, 1 second, Lea's portrait collodion, shade, hot day.

Thistles. F3.5, 1 second, Lea’s portrait collodion, shade, hot day.

Thistles. F32, 80 seconds, Lea's portrait collodion, shade, hot day.

Thistles. F32, 80 seconds, Lea’s portrait collodion, shade, hot day. In the top-right corner you can see where the collodion started to dry out – it was thinnest at this spot, and the 80-second exposure was cutting it close in such hot weather. In the lower-left corner is a smudgy area – the plate got dirty before I poured collodion and I tried to clean it off with a paper towel that already had other chemicals on it – developer and silver solution, mostly…