2018 metamorphosism.com International St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest


This year’s contest is closed. Thanks to all entrants, and all visitors.
I originally planned to announce the winners earlier, but then I got busy at work, and when I got home I had to make a couscous/vegetable dish that seemed as if it would go quickly, but involved a lot of peeling and chopping so here we are.

The winners:
First of all, our sincere appreciation here at metamorphosism.com to everyone who entered. For the second year in a row (at least!) Eeveryone had sweet dispositions this year despite a few abrupt but unavoidable random (but mostly minor) rule changes, and there was no fighting or bickering, which was a big relief. So thank you, dudes, it was a lot of fun reading your poetry.
Before I continue: should the entry period be longer next year? It seemed to flash past this time, but maybe I’m just getting older, old people are always talking about how fast time goes by. Or maybe I was just busy (I was). Are two weeks Was an entire month enough? Would three weeks be better?

Ok, the winners:
First of all, to each entrant I say: we should get together for a coffee or a drink or something sometime. I know a bar where they open the champagne with a sword, for example.
By the way, when we were in Ireland two years ago early last year, my wife and I – my wife is investigating our ancestors and we hired a genealogy butler and she claimed to have found the village my Irish ancestors came from, a few miles outside Limerick.
Where else could they possibly have come from.
It felt like in that one movie where the cities fold up only it was generations of my family history, folding up neatly on themselves. <--- I have no idea what I meant by that.

Ok, anyway, the winners:
Oh, PS: do you think the creepy little clown drove people away How did you like this year’s banner? I still love last year’s creepy clown gif, but maybe it was a little too psycho, so I tried to keep it romantic this year. I thought it sort of captures the shadow side of the holiday, you know? But maybe that is better left to the limericks instead. I’ll try to have a more attractive graphic next year.
Here we are:
Honorable mention goes to Kimmy Alan. Thanks for participating!Cj for an autobiographical work about having Georgia on your mind. NICE TO SEE YOU AROUND AGAIN CJ!!! Have fun in Tbilisi.
Second place goes to KayO for five daunting entries spanning Wittgenstein, Amy Sherald, Oulipo and Stendahl among others. It was damn close this year, but…
Third place goes to TH who is apparently saving those worse limericks he was working on for next year’s contest. See you next year TH (if not before).
Dee gets the silver medal: three really fine limericks and hit a lot of the bonus themes as well. I was really happy to see you contributing, Dee.

Perry Iles takes first place this year, due only secondarily to one of the secret rules of this contest (“Perry always wins”) (Perry, it seems, has been winning since 1979, when the pre-Internet version of the contest was conducted in spray paint on Italian monuments) and primarily to both the quality and quantity of his entries, and his admirable ability to turn on a dime and incorporate new bonus themes as they arise, and also his occasional fucking with scansion, which made me LOL, especially, as KayO also mentioned, his Cormac McCarthy entry.
See you all next year. Thanks again!

Welcome to the 2018 edition of the metamorphosism.com International Limerick Contest.
Please leave your entries in the comments to this post.
Enter as often as you like.
This year’s theme: LOVE AND SEXUNCERTAINTY NON-ATTACHMENT AS IT PERTAINS TO ENLIGHTENMENT, plus bonus themes to be added as the contest progresses
All participants, young and old, are encouraged to consult the combined FAQ/rules below BECAUSE THEY CHANGE WHILE THE CONTEST IS GOING ON.
Like every year.
It’s just that way.


  • Does it have to be a limerick? YES. This is strictly enforced, and non-limericks will not be accepted. Google proper limerick form if you are not sure.
  • How do I enter? POST YOUR ENTRY OR ENTRIES in the comments to this post. Click on comment, or whatever is down there, and add a new comment.
  • When is the deadline? THE DEADLINE is 14 February 2018
  • Do you mean 12 midnight on the night of the 13th or midnight on the night of the 14th? And which time zone shall have seisin of jurisdiction? We have had considerably confusion in the past! NINE AM (CENTRAL EUROPEAN TIME) 14 February 2017.
  • Is there a prize? NOT YET but that might change. YES THERE IS A PRIZE! I will send you the newest album of your choice by O’R.P, “Eidetic Memory“.
  • Is there a limit to how often I can enter? NO. Enter as often as you like. The more often you enter, the better your chances.
  • Can entries be bawdy? YES, absolutely. These are limericks, they can be bawdy, gross, you name it. It’s not required, but it is in the nature of the genre. ALSO: this is for St. Valentine’s Day so points awarded for love/romance/sex-related poetry.
  • Complaints will be deleted. There is no avenue of appeal. Decisions of the judges are final. Be nice, and have fun, and don’t take this too seriously.
  • Is there anything else I can do to be deleted? Yes. Besides complaints, anything else that is not a limerick will also be deleted, especially anything remotely similar to trolling, nastiness or disagreeing with me. That will get you deleted, and whatever else our technicians here can think up. This is meant to be a fun, light-hearted, non-political past-time.

Let’s see, what else? Oh yes.

  • Bonus points are awarded for any of the following (No limit to how many themes you may include, the more the better):
  • The Deep State conspiracy to thwart #45 (or aspects thereof)
  • Famous murdersThe best thing about being Perry Iles
  • Notorious criminalsAn okra recipe
  • Ways to celebrate Valentine’s Day
  • The first work of art to give you Stockholm Stendhal Syndrom
  • OzymandiasThe art of Georgia O’Keefe
  • Contemporary female artists
  • Philosophers of the 20th centuryComical misunderstandings
  • Conspiracy theories
  • OulipoHome depression cures
  • Current events
  • Musical genres
  • William Gibson, Cormac McCarthy
  • Disagreements over theoretical physics
  • What to do if you find yourself in the Bardo
  • Catholic doctrine
  • The worst thing about catsBeing Perry Iles
  • Sexual acts popularized by or associated with the 45th President of the United States
  • Sexual acts not popularized by nor associated with #45
  • (More themes to come, watch this space.)

By entering you grant metamorphosism.com permission to publish your entry electronically on metamorphosism.com, in social media (including but not limited to twitter.com, facebook.com and anything else) as well as in book form, although the latter is REALLY unlikely, without compensation (this is a non-profit venture, and any possible, although unlikely, book would be, you know, for charity most likely).

21 responses to “2018 metamorphosism.com International St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest

  1. Perry Iles

    The Hadron collider at CERN
    Doesn’t know when to slow down its turn
    Will it come to a stop
    At the bottom or top
    Or at Zurich, or Basel or Bern?

  2. Perry Iles

    There’s a hadron collider In Mexica
    That attracts young gay men with dyslexia
    They play with a hard-on
    Till the nerds crave their pardon
    Then drop their own shorts, ‘cos it’s sexier.

  3. Perry Iles

    A sad lonely prince from Balmoral
    With intentions both loose and immoral
    Dipped his short flaccid dick
    In a puddle of sick
    Cos he said that he fancied some oral.

  4. Perry Iles

    Poor Donald just ain’t got no class
    In fact he’s a bit of an ass
    Not firm, round and plump
    Like Melania’s rump
    More long-eared and grey, eating grass

  5. Perry Iles

    When a well known professional theefe
    Stole a painting by Georgia O’Keeffe
    He said “it weren’t me
    I weren’t there, can’t you see?”
    But the cops said “you’re lying through your teeffe.”

  6. Perry Iles

    To be Perry Iles is not easy
    He’s horrid and vile and quite sleazy
    He’d be someone good
    If he possibly could
    Like Jesus or Mother Teresy

  7. Perry Iles

    A poor little choirboy from Devon
    Was abused in the vestry by seven
    Vile catholic priests
    The disgusting old beasts
    Their doctrine came straight down from heaven.

  8. Perry Iles

    He’ll fuck anyone any way
    In every position, he’ll say
    But the insecure fool
    Thinks his poor little tool
    Will drop off at the first hint of gay

  9. Perry Iles

    Old Donald’s a bit of a twat
    In the White House he kneels on the mat
    Amusing himself
    By abusing himself
    And catching his jizz in his hat

  10. Perry Iles

    Old Donald can’t spot an acrostic
    But conspiracy theories are caustic
    A well-hidden word
    Muttered once, or misheard
    Always sticks to the grapevine like Bostic

  11. Perry Iles

    If Cormac McCarthy wrote limericks
    He’d add death and all sort of grimmer tricks
    His dark, gloomy rhymes
    Would reflect crueller times
    And then he’d abandon all pretence of form and function and finish up telling us how everyone we’ve ever loved is going to die friendless and alone except for horses

  12. Kimmy Alan


    There once was a young woman from Irvine
    Who had never received a Valentine
    Till she wore a short skirt
    And she began to flirt
    Then she received one million ninety nine

  13. Kimmy Alan


    A young man died in Afghanistan
    For an arrogant orangutan
    Who he thought cared
    For those who served
    But chimp really didn’t give a damn

  14. Perry Iles

    I’m a pedantic old fucker, it’s true
    But a rose can be any old hue
    They aren’t always red
    Especially when dead
    And violets are violet, not blue

  15. Perry Iles

    There once was a large ginger cat
    Who actually sat on the mat
    When they questioned its ways
    It shrugged and said “Hey,
    I’m a cliche, so sue me, you twat.’

  16. KayO

    The portrait appeared as a herald –
    So warmly composed and appareled –
    A magical spell,
    It must be Michelle
    Obama, by Ms. Amy Sherald.

  17. KayO

    Wittgenstein had expectations
    That logic would lead to mutations.
    In vain would he preach
    Conclusions to reach,
    So he settled for “Investigations.”

  18. KayO

    It was last year, the day of All Saints,
    When I first met Oulipo constraints.
    And so NANOWRIMO
    Took up much less time-o,
    Thus silencing all my complaints.

  19. KayO

    There once was a painting in Texas
    That entered my heart’s very nexus.
    It burned and it wounded;
    Like Stendahl I swooneded,
    From blows to the soul’s solar plexus.

  20. KayO

    My last-minute entries are not
    Any kind of nefarious plot.
    Just wanted to play
    And idly delay
    The daily assignment onslaught.

  21. KayO

    P.S. I just lost it over Perry’s Cormac McCarthy piece