Pow! Kabang! Watch out!

Watch goes down the street. The street is lined with the heads of guys in suits hollering POW and KABANG and WATCH OUT!

Watch tunes them out. A crow follows him, he notices, flying from tree to tree.

Mechanical spiders are running all over. I SEE YOU ARE GOING TO THE STORE MAY I RECOMMEND A SALAD? says one.

A second one says, PEOPLE WHO BUY SALAD OFTEN BUY SOME FRUIT AS WELL.

Watch tunes them out too. He notices how wide the streets are without traffic.

It is a sunny day. Warm, early fall, is there any better season?

Gravity is light today if you can ignore the distractions.

And the air is full of flowers.

Watch gets a sandwich. He gets a long one because he wants to see how many crows he can feed on his way back to the office.

The line at the cash register is slow because the guy in front of him is having problems with his cash card.

REJECTED, says the cashier. The young guy tries again, a little more flustered.

REJECTED, says the woman again.

I’ll have to come back, the young guy says.

He has a German accent, notices Watch.

I’ll get it, Watch says, but no one hears him.

He takes out his wallet and gives the cashier a ten. I’ll get it, he says.

OH, she says.

The young guy doesn’t notice and starts leaving without his stuff – a box of sugar and some snack for lunch.

IT’S OKAY, says the cashier. THIS GUY PAID.

Outside the young guy says thanks.

My pleasure, says Watch.

He feeds two crows on the way back – the one who had been following him, and a big black one watching him from a tree.

POW KABANG! holler the heads.

Take the afternoon off, says Watch.

Little-known facts about the Nigerian grifter catfish

  • The Nigerian grifter catfish is, oh, about six feet long.
  • The Nigerian grifter catfish goes swimming around, minding its own business.
  • The Nigerian grifter catfish looks harmless, except for the being a giant catfish part.
  • But watch out! The Nigerian grifter catfish is a trickster.
  • I have it on good authority that the Nigerian grifter catfish will get that book of yours published for a blowjob and a box of clementines1, and some money up front for the printer.
  • The Nigerian grifter catfish will hack into your gmail account. Once, I thought I was chatting with a friend and she was just being weird, but it turned out her account had been hacked. So beware! It could happen to you!
  • Also another popular Nigerian grifter catfish trick is to pretend to be gagging on an inflatable ball and be all “help me mister i keep floating”. Even Jeff Bridges believes this. This is a good gig for the fish because it masks the fact that they are not capable of speech. With the ball in their mouths, they are all “mmmpf mmmpf gghmph” and the fishermen’s imaginations run away with them and they think they hear something about “three wishes” or something. Thing is, after that fish in the Jeff Bridges’ pictures swam away, the guy noticed his watch was missing.
  • I should say, “Jeff Bridges believes this, ironically,” because he is the son of Lloyd Bridges, who played Mike Nelson in a popular television show called Seahunt, which was my favorite at the time (although I only saw it in syndication, and not while it was being produced, as we did not have a television at that time and also I was too young) and so should know better, as I’m sure his dad must have talked about water-related bad guys at the dinner table.
  • They’re not picky, that looks like a Swatch, I have one just like it.
  • Here’s another one doing it. So be careful.
  • The Nigerian grifter catfish also happens to be, currently, my favorite non-existent Disney character. What’s yours?

1“On good authority” means I am not the boss of that particular fact.