Secret New Year’s Resolutions

Somebody asked me whether I had made any New Year’s resolutions and if so what one of them was.

I made up some bullshit thing. I don’t remember what. Probably “quit smoking.”

I started smoking in the last week of December, in order to have a bad habit to resolve to give up, and also Christmas had been stressful. All that family, all that disappointment to deal with because you misheard what people wanted. Or because you got them what they said they wanted, precisely, and not what they implied they really wanted.

So, officially, “quit smoking”. Nothing like starting the year with a big success.

Secretly, I resolved to take the advice I give other people.

It’s all about Jung, and the Shadow, and projection. If somebody is doing something that doesn’t wind you up, you generally don’t feel compelled to give them advice. If something they do really bugs you, then maybe it’s an issue you need to deal with yourself, on one level or another.

To date, I have taken the following advice:

  • Stay in the right lane if you’re not going to go the speed limit, moron.
  • Park between the lines, it’s not that hard.
  • In on the gas, out on the clutch.
  • If you can’t find ‘em, grind ‘em.
  • Don’t be an asshole.
  • Clean up after yourself.
  • Complaining about being fat doesn’t burn many calories. If you want to lose weight, you have to exercise more and eat less.
  • Don’t sharpen your claws on the goddamned furniture.
  • Stay out of the Christmas tree.
  • Throw out the old clothes you no longer wear.
  • Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice.
  • Try to read more.
  • Clean up after yourself.
  • The time will come when invisibility is no longer the best response.

More to come.

(What are your New Year’s resolutions?)

I’m sorry, but 2010 is going to fucking suck

Some newsletter I subscribe to said something about how hard 2009 was on many of us and how 2010 had to be an improvement because it couldn’t be worse, and I just thought, baby you ain’t seen nothing yet. This was a writing newsletter, I think – how could any sort of writer lack imagination to the extent that they think nothing could be worse than, what, fattening up a few fat cats with taxpayers’ money etc? I can think of plenty of worse things.

Also, there is the jinxing thing. Seriously, that’s a big concern. Even if you’re optimistic, you’re supposed to say things like, 2009, you thought that was bad? 2010 is going to fucking suck, pal. Why do you think the military has been investing so much in drones, robots and non-lethal technology? Because they expect domestic uprisings and conflicts, and human soldiers are unlikely to be real motivated when it comes to using lethal technology on fellow citizens. They’ll spray them with glue, nets and rays that make them hot and stuff, though, and you can always find a few psychos to fly the drones or drive the robots. Amirite?

2010 is going to make 2009 look like Let’s Make a Deal and you had everything in your purse that Monty Hall was looking for when he came out into the audience, and you took the $50 he gave you for the bottle opener with the picture of the Pope on it and put it in the nickel slot machine in Reno and, jackpot! Cups and cups of nickels. That’s what 2009 is going to look like, looking back on it in 2010.

2010 is going to make us wish it was 2012.

We are all going to get on each other’s nerves in 2010 and bicker. No replacement for Lady Gaga will come along, either, until 2011 at the earliest. I won’t figure out yet how to get interesting sounds out of my Jomox T-Resonater.

People with more money than they can possibly spend in a lifetime will continue to accumulate more, and won’t be taxed down to a level where they have the maximum amount a person could possibly spend in a lifetime, for some fucking reason.

The Mazda guy will, however, fix my broken shock absorber first thing, as soon as January 2010 rolls around and he reopens.

He’s on vacation right now. Good for him. We all deserve a little vacation.

Despite this dire outlook, all the best to you, personally. May 2010 not suck for you, dude.

Happy 2009

Fireworks are yapping away outside, impatient boys. In a couple hours I’ll climb the hill by my inlaws’ house and shoot off a few. Fireworks, I mean. May 2009 be a good year for all of us, with lots of peace and love and sex, and good health and jobs, and stronger unions, both labor and civil, and a serious leftward swing of the political pendulum, and funny jokes, and solar-powered flying cars, and grocery rockets.

What does 2009 look like for you? What do you wish for? What are your resolutions?