How to punk yr dad

(Note: this works best if you live near Vienna)

Timing is essential, so wait until your mom is out of town on business, your dad is real busy with a conference and hungover from drinking with the distinguished delegate from the U.K. and being a general worry wart from trying to keep things organized in wife’s absence.

(Note: PS this is based on the method of team predation illustrated in the scene in Jurassic Park where the two raptors punk the dinosaur hunter guy.)

Dad: (text message) Be sure and let me know when you are on your way 2 yr sister in Vienna and when u will arrive

Dad: (couple hours later, phone call) Any idea when your sister is arriving?

Beta: No. I’ll let you know, though.

Dad: (later, calling Gamma) When are you going to visit your sister?

Gamma: I’m on my way.

Dad: You’re on the train?

Gamma: Yeah.

Dad: Your grandfather drive you to the station or did you take a taxi like you were talking about?

Gamma: He drove me.

Dad: Okay. Let me know when you get there.

Gamma: Okay.

(2 hours later)

Beta: (text message) Wasn’t Gamma supposed to come in to see me today?

Dad: (WTF!!!) (Calls Gamma, no answer) (Calls Beta) WTFWTF?

Beta: She’s not answering my calls.

Dad: !!!

Gamma: (text message) Where is Ceska Velice?

Dad: (Text message) Czech Republic

Dad: (Picking up distinguished delegate from U.K. at the UN.) You’ll never guess where Gamma is.

Dad: (Calls Gamma) So.

Gamma: Hi.

Dad: Fucking Schengen. In the good old days they would’ve stopped you at the border w/o a passport.

Gamma: There’s another train out in half an hour. My school pass should get me back into town. There’s an advent market here, want anything? Should I get you a gingerbread heart.

Dad: (Thinks: She’s such a sweety)

Dad: (to distinguished delegate from the UK) She’s such a sweety. She’s stuck in the Czech Republic and all she asks is do I want a gingerbread heart.

Distinguished delegate from the UK: Bless.

Dad: (To Gamma) Be sure and let me know when you’re back on a train in to town and when you arrive and are you okay. Also I don’t think you can buy a heart w/o Czech crowns. you only have euro on you right?

Gamma: Oh, right.

Dad: (To DDFUTK) We might be taking a drive up to the Czech Republic tonight. I’ll go home and charge my satnav thing just in case. There’s the exit we take when we go there.

DDFTUK: Don’t you have a power cord for the lighter?

Dad: Sure I do, but the jack got bent I think.

Dad: (To Beta) Heard from your sister?

Beta: No.

Dad: (To Gamma) So, you on the train?

Gamma: Nah, I missed it.

Dad: (To DDFTUK) She missed it. My sweet little 14 yr old daughter is stuck in the Czech Republic in the middle of the night with a broken leg. What could possibly go wrong?

Dad: Also the battery in my mobile phone is going dead.

DDFTUK: You seem relatively calm about it.

Gamma: There’s another one in like an hour.

Beta: So what’s up with Gamma?

Dad: !!!blah blah You heard from her?

Beta: Er, yeah, she’s here with me.

Dad: ????!?? OMG. Excellent one, you guys. You each get 5 Euro for putting one over on me like that.

Dad: (Describes situation to DDFTUK)

DDFTUK: You’ve been punked.

Beta: Wow, I’m so proud of you for taking it so well!

Dad: You guys are brilliant. You were like those two dinosaurs in Jurassic Park who hunted that hunter guy.

Gamma: (later, text message) Srry, Beta was bored.

Gamma: (Later) (Gives dad gingerbread heart with “Papa ist ein Goldschatz” written on it in frosting.

Dad: Aw.

So anyway, let me know if this works for you.

Performance piece (“Schrödinger’s parking garage”)

I performed an art performance last night. Is that redundant? I staged an art performance? There was an art performance last night and I was the star?

And you are the audience. You, there.

Part one:

Setting: Cafe Ritter in Vienna, smoking section.

Performer 1 meets a Friend (Performer 2) for scintillating conversation. Symbolic of the communication/non-communication dichotomy among humans, Performer 2 does all the scintillating while Performer 1’s side of the conversation consists largely of questions here and there and words such as, Okay, reminiscent of The Boy‘s side of dialogue in The Road by Cormac McCarthy, suggestive of the apocalyptic nature of modern life. And requests for another cigarette, which  Performer 2 rolls. Conversation centers on writing (communication! and culture!) and the music biz in the 1650s, which is pretty a 1:1 metaphor for the publishing business at the present time, namely in Huge Transition.

Part two:

Setting: Subterranean (!) parking garage (!)

Jingle-jangling with nicotine, Performer 1 pays (criticism of capitalism!)  for parking (stasis!) at the machine (alienation from fellow man!), gets in car(mobility? slavery? materialism?) and attempts (life is a series of attempts!) to exit (!) parking garage (!). The car starts on the first try (irony!) and Performer 1 drives (!) slowly (!) through the labyrinthine (!) garage, and up the very long, very steep (!) ramp (!) to the exit. He waits (!) for the car ahead of him to insert ticket and drive out. But before Performer 1 can exit, the garage’s night (!) security (!) door (!) rolls closed again because whatever sensor senses approaching cars and opens the security door automatically failed to sense him approaching because it had just sensed two previous cars and was temporarily tired of sensing (!!!!!). The Performer waits  (!) a while (!), then lets car roll back down the ramp a little, then approaches the night security door again, expecting to trigger the sensor, but nothing (!) happens (!!). After another brief wait (human optimism in the face of proof otherwise!), the performer rolls a little further back down the ramp before approaching the door again (dichotomic relation between experimentation (trying something new) and perseveration (trying the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results)!). Once again, nothing happens. Performer 1 makes another attempt, rolling a little (!) further back down the ramp (!) before again approaching the door, beginning to get a little concerned about the effect this is having on his clutch and brake pads (which are thin). Once again, nothing happens.

Part three:

Setting: Subterranean parking garage

Performer 1 continues to roll down the ramp and reapproach the night security door, each time rolling a little further back down and waiting a little longer at the door, but never rolling completely down to the end of the ramp. Never does the exit open.

This is the longest part of the performance, lasting for all eternity, or until a car wishing to park enters the garage from the other direction, triggering the external customer sensor and allowing Performer 1 to exit (reminiscent of Schrödinger’s concept of Verschränkung (entanglement) and the co-existence of modern man in two states of being, entrapment and escape).

Conclusion:

Indeterminate. Perhaps Performer 1 is still there, driving up the ramp, waiting at the closed door, and rolling back down.

Genetics

Gamma fell *up*  a step this weekend and broke her foot. She said nothing much about it until the next day. I think she inherited my coordination and her mother’s stoicism.

Help me

Hello, dear 1%.  I am writing this with tears in my eyes, sorry I did not inform you about my trip.I actually made a quick trip to London and unfortunately attacked and mugged at gun point on the way to my hotel,all cash,credit card and cell were stolen off me but luckily I still have my passport with me.

I have been to the embassy and the Police here but they’re not helping issues at all especially those rubber bullets OUCH and tear gas and my return flight leaves anytime from now but I`m having problems settling the bills such as medical care and infrastructure not to mention education and the hotel manager won’t let me leave until I settle the bills.

I need your urgent help.

Sincerely, your old Friend 99%.

Recently, in an Austrian village…

Girl: [Telling story about girlfriends summoning spirits] The problem is, you don’t know in advance what you’ll get. You could get a good spirit, but if you get an evil spirit, it latches onto you and never leaves and hounds you until you commit suicide.

Man: The highest incidence of poltergeists is in households with 14-year-old girls.

Girl: Thanks a lot, dad!

Woman: You’re awful!

Man: Just stating a fact. Something about the psychic energy released during adolescence, maybe.

Girl: Great, now I won’t be able to sleep tonight.

Man: They did a study. Google it if you don’t believe me.

Cello update

Nothing new for ages, then the piano/cello notes to Arvo Pärt’s “Spiegel im Spiegel” arrive in the mail and I have met with a woman looking for someone to play cello duets with.

On the former: the notes look insane. They look like something I would see in a nightmare about playing and/or composing a piece, but not because they are complicated. On the contrary, because they are so simple. Simple, minimalistic piano, even simpler cello.  And behind that simplicity lies the devil, of course, or god, or both, or god when he’s drunk, or angels. We’ll find out. Go watch it on youtube. I am trying to get Beta to play it with me on harp, and also trying to get Gamma to fire up her piano and play it with me as well. First I have to learn the cello part. And get the piano tuned.

On the latter: she came over to my house last night and we tried a few pieces. I expected it to be awful and frustrating, since learning to play a duet is an order of magnitude harder than just learning a piece, and we didn’t know the pieces we were trying to play. But it was considerably less awful and frustrating than I had expected, which I expected, being an experienced pessimist and low-baller. So all is well. I am curious whether she will want to continue. I hope so. Probably. I do. As she left, she’s like all, do you play any other instruments?

And I’m like all, should I? And I’m like, saw, theremin and tin whistle, but not super-good or anything.

And she’s like, blink.

And I’m like, you know, singing saw? And I start explaining the theremin, with which she was perhaps not familiar, and offer to show it to her next time.

If there is a next time.

Who know?

We’ll see, won’t we?

The parking lot of lost souls

As usual, the shaman was riding his drum in search of a lost soul-fragment.

Riding it like a fine little pony through the underworld.

He was wearing a suit of sage, covering every inch of his body. Even his glasses were made of sage, with tiny little slits to look out of. To get to the underworld you have to pass through astral planes, and the shaman had stuck his head into the astral plane a while back unprotected (he had awakened and without thinking, still in a hypnopompic state, he had taken a look) and evil spirits had attached themselves to him like flying leeches, and getting rid of them had taken forever, and he didn’t want to chance that again.

The shaman was riding his drum down the street in the underworld in his sage suit and arrived at where the house should be, except it was a parking lot.

He had been warned this might happen. The original, historical, worldly house he was in search of had been torn down and the area turned into a shopping center. From the maps he had studied, the house ought to be right about there, in the parking lot between the office supplies store and the power transformer. The shaman remained calm and began beating his drum double time, with both ends of his stick.

Back in his yurt, the people surrounding him, keeping the small fire burning, watching his breathing, ready to bring him back should he stop, gasped.

What’s wrong? asked one.

Bodhran solo, whispered another.

The shaman rode his drum around the parking lot in a circle. Gradually, the outlines of the shopping center dissolved and an old house appeared. He went inside. The fire in the woodstove had gone out and the house was cold. It smelled of dust, old furniture and cooking grease. He found the soul-fragment standing in the corner of the living room downstairs.

Light fell through the window panes in angles that made no sense, and motes of dust swam in the beams of light.

Hello, said the shaman.

The soul-fragment was a small, black-haired boy with bright green eyes. He regarded the shaman briefly, then turned back to face the corner of the room, hugging himself.

Would you come with me? asked the shaman.

Why should I? asked the boy.

He sent me. He wants you back.

He doesn’t want me back. He left me here. For a real long time.

He wants you back, said the shaman.

Go to heck, said the boy.

I come from there, I believe, said the shaman.

The green eyes regarded the shaman. Are you the devil? Or a demon or something? said the boy.

I am a shaman, said the shaman.

That’s what the devil would say. He wouldn’t say he was the devil, would he?

Look at me, said the shaman. You see clearly. You are awake. Do I look like the devil?

The devil doesn’t look like the devil either. He looks like the angel of light. He looks like, I dunno, a pretty girl.

So am I him, said the shaman.

The boy looked hard. No, you’re not. You’re a guy. What’s a shaman?

Like a doctor, said the shaman. He wants you back.

He doesn’t want me back.

He wants you back. He sent me to get you. He wants to wake up. He wants to see.

I don’t believe you.

Back in the yurt, those watching grew concerned when the shaman’s breathing slowed down so much it was nearly imperceptible. They stoked the fire.

May I take your hand? said the shaman. He stood closer to the boy, and the boy did not shrink away so he took his hand. It was small and light and warm, despite the unheated house.

I promise you he wants you back. He regrets leaving you here and he wants to wake up, but he sees that he needs you to do that.

He said that? said the boy.

The shaman nodded.

I have stood here a long time. A heck of a long time. But you are telling the truth, said the boy.

Back in the yurt, the watchers sighed with relief when the shaman’s breathing picked up, and the drumming slowed back down.

The fire had burned down to glowing embers, so it was not immediately clear when his eyes opened.

Still motionless, the shaman looked around. He was awake, for the first time in a heck of a long time.