Welcome to the something-something-th edition of the metamorphosism.com St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest.
2023 already.
Remember when 2001 was, like, the distant future?
The years just keep getting weirder, don’t they.
So weird, so fast, it’s hard to keep up.
2022 ended well, with Greta Thunberg owning that “alpha male”. Teenaged girls FTW. They have my genuine respect. I used to have 2 teenaged girls, I know whereof I speak, they are the future and don’t pick fights with them.
Used to have as in, they are all grown up now doing other stuff.
And 2023 started well, with the Mud Wizard, whom we will probably forget before the end of this contest (entries must be submitted prior to Valentine’s day i.e. February 13 is the deadline), but it was great seeing him taunt those police officers stuck in the mud, gosh.
Here are useful facts about the contest:
There is no prize this year. Don’t ask why. I can’t be arsed, I could offer a jar of marmalade or mostarda but it turns out I am very bad at sending food through the mail. ORP has a fine new album out but if you want that you have to go buy it.
So your prize is the honor of winning.
Can’t take that away from you.
Rules: As usual, entries have to be in proper limerick form.
Language: dirty words are acceptable, these are limericks after all. No hate speech. I reserve teh right to delete without explanation posts I find objectionable (including trouble-makey, complainy or trollish stuff), by posting here you agree to that. Just keep it light and fun okay? Life is short.
Make entries as a comment below this post.
Enter as often as you like.

Rules may be changed, updated, deleted, etc. without notice.

Themes: You get extra points and your chance of winning goes up if you incorporate some or all of the random themes, which also change without warning.
Themes this year include: The town of Cork. Waterfowl. A flag. Grass. A grunt. Angina. Venus. A chorus. A clock. Sailors. Something heinous. Anatomy. The planet Uranus. Baking shows. Paths to enlightenment. Microdosing vs. just dosing psychedelics. The fact that everything is interconnected and we are all manifestations of the universe experiencing itself. Spooky action at a distance and quantum entanglement.Ideas for new inventions. Alternatives to capitalism. Synonyms for “horny”. Baking competitions. Spy balloons. Good news on the environmental front. Sleeping disorders. Anatomy of the skull. Medieval music notation. Varieties of bagpipe. Yoga injuries. Varieties of oranges (the citrus fruit). Interesting animal behavior facts. Life hacks. Limericks written in the style of a famous author. Problems caused by boomers. Hopeful facts. Something happy. Bacteria in sourdough and cheese. Your personal apocalypse theory. Are cats better than dogs? The most unusual place you or someone you know has had sex. English words combining Greek and Latin roots. Bouldering. Marmalade recipes. Mud Wizards and other humorous pies in the face of the patriarchy, guillotines, pitchforks, pie recipes, Covid brain and other potential causes of future zombieism, legal and socially-acceptable sexual perversions, popular music genres, and parasites and parasitism.
More will be added so check this space.

This year’s themes:
(Also check further down the rules for newer and/or more specific prompts/themes)
Sex
Love
Cults, religious and otherwise
Your favorite parasite
Life hacks
Personal growth
Apocalypse,
plus bonus themes to be added as the contest progresses
All participants are required to consult the combined FAQ/rules below BECAUSE THEY CHANGE WHILE THE CONTEST IS GOING ON.
Like every year.

FAQ/Rules

• Does it have to be a limerick? YES. This is strictly enforced, and non-limericks will not be accepted. Google correct limerick form if you are not sure.
• How do I enter? POST YOUR ENTRY OR ENTRIES in the comments to this post. Click on comment, or whatever is down there, and add a new comment.
• When is the deadline? THE DEADLINE is 14 February 2022
• Do you mean 12 midnight on the night of the 13th or midnight on the night of the 14th? And which time zone shall have seisin of jurisdiction? We have had considerably confusion in the past! NINE AM (CENTRAL EUROPEAN TIME) 14 February 2022.
• Is there a prize? Maybe. I have been making a lot of marmalade, maybe I could send you a jar subject to transport costs, customs regulations etc.
• Is there a limit to how often I can enter? NO. You are encouraged to fall into a limerick frenzy and enter as often as you like. The more often you enter, the better your chances.
• HOWEVER ONLY ORIGINAL ENTRIES ARE ACCEPTED. PLAGIARISM RESULTS IN DISQUALIFICATION. No exceptions.
• Can entries be bawdy? YES, absolutely. These are limericks, they can be bawdy, gross, you name it. It’s not required, but it is in the nature of the genre. ALSO: this is for St. Valentine’s Day so points awarded for love/romance/sex-related poetry. However, entries offensive to the contest operator will be deleted at his discretion, for offenses including but not limited to racism, and misogyny, and politics to which I object.
• Complaints and other negative trolling will be deleted. There is no avenue of appeal. Decisions of the judges are final. Be nice, and have fun, and don’t take this too seriously.
• Is there anything else I can do to be deleted? Yes. Besides complaints, anything else that is not a limerick will also be deleted, especially anything remotely similar to trolling, nastiness or disagreeing with me. That will get you deleted, and whatever else our technicians here can think up. This is meant to be a fun and light-hearted.

Let’s see, what else? Oh yes.

• Bonus points are awarded for any of the following (No limit to how many themes you may include, the more the better):

Feel free to write me and suggest some!
Alternate solutions to J3ff Bezos’ yacht/bridge problem
Your favorite carbonara recipe
Something involving alcohol
Your favorite high-end booze
A kink
Legal systems (historical and present-day)
Party drugs
Dr. Kellogg’s anti-masturbation cure
Historical cures for idiocy
Deviance
The worst thing your cat ever did
Insects
1970’s porn movie plots
1970’s porn movie plots involving insects
Scientific theories
Obscure scientific theories
Something that gives you joy

Check back often, more will be added (and others eliminated) as the month progresses

(More themes to come, watch this space.)

By entering you grant metamorphosism.com permission to publish your entry electronically on metamorphosism.com, in social media (including but not limited to twitter.com, facebook.com and anything else) as well as in book form, although the latter is REALLY unlikely, and has never happened yet, without compensation (this is a non-profit venture, and any possible, although unlikely, book would be, you know, for charity most likely). I have never published them anywhere but here, but who knows?
AS ALWAYS, RULES ARE SUBJECT TO CONSTANT CHANGE DURING THE CONTEST, SO CHECK BACK OFTEN.

Thank you for visiting the 2020 metamorphosism.com International St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest. Entries are now closed! I am leaving comments open for a while for congratulations and well-wishes to the contestants.

Winner this year is dark-horse entrant Perry Iles. Congratulations, Perry.
It was a close decision, this year, between Perry Iles and runner-up KayO.
Thanks to Perry, KayO and Tim, who gets extra points for mentioning bergamot marmalade.
See you next year!

Welcome to the 2020 edition of the metamorphosism.com International St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest.
2020.
I remember when 2000 was the distant future.
Now it’s 20 years after that.
Wow.
Anyway:
As always, please leave your entries in the comments to this post.
Enter as often as you like.
Please note the following: this year’s contest image, up there at the top, is Nosferatu, and I believe in the public domain, signifying that once again there will be extra points for HORROR, in keeping with the very stupid apocalyptican feel of current events. Ideally, the image would be mashed up with something gangster-related for the Klept/corruption theme going around too in current events, but honestly I couldn’t be arsed this year. But there will also be extra points for corruption.
This year’s themes (in addition to the above):
(Also check further down the rules for newer and/or more specific prompts/themes)
Sex
Love
Obsolete arts and technologies
Fetishes
APOCAPLEXIA,
plus bonus themes to be added as the contest progresses
All participants are required to consult the combined FAQ/rules below BECAUSE THEY CHANGE WHILE THE CONTEST IS GOING ON.
Like every year.

FAQ/Rules

• Does it have to be a limerick? YES. This is strictly enforced, and non-limericks will not be accepted. Google correct limerick form if you are not sure.
• How do I enter? POST YOUR ENTRY OR ENTRIES in the comments to this post. Click on comment, or whatever is down there, and add a new comment.
• When is the deadline? THE DEADLINE is 14 February 2020
• Do you mean 12 midnight on the night of the 13th or midnight on the night of the 14th? And which time zone shall have seisin of jurisdiction? We have had considerably confusion in the past! NINE AM (CENTRAL EUROPEAN TIME) 14 February 2020.
• Is there a prize? Maybe. I don’t know yet.
• Is there a limit to how often I can enter? NO. Enter as often as you like. The more often you enter, the better your chances.
• HOWEVER ONLY ORIGINAL ENTRIES ARE ACCEPTED. PLAGIARISM RESULTS IN DISQUALIFICATION. No exceptions made for the current First Lady of the USA.
• Can entries be bawdy? YES, absolutely. These are limericks, they can be bawdy, gross, you name it. It’s not required, but it is in the nature of the genre. ALSO: this is for St. Valentine’s Day so points awarded for love/romance/sex-related poetry. However, entries offensive to the contest operator will be deleted at his discretion, for offenses including but not limited to racism, and misogyny, and politics to which I object.
• Complaints and other negative trolling will be deleted. There is no avenue of appeal. Decisions of the judges are final. Be nice, and have fun, and don’t take this too seriously.
• Is there anything else I can do to be deleted? Yes. Besides complaints, anything else that is not a limerick will also be deleted, especially anything remotely similar to trolling, nastiness or disagreeing with me. That will get you deleted, and whatever else our technicians here can think up. This is meant to be a fun and light-hearted.

Let’s see, what else? Oh yes.

• Bonus points are awarded for any of the following (No limit to how many themes you may include, the more the better):

Embarrassing public clumsiness. Concussions, possibly and/or A Concussed History of Scotland. Mechanical problems. Slapstick. The definition of “apocalypse”: end of the world or revelation? Will Nancy Pelosi make bunny ears behind Trump’s head when he announces the Final Solution? (<--That joke originally seen in a Sandra Newman tweet). Reproductive strategies of insects. Diseases affecting the human brain. 19th-century theories regarding sex.
Entries in the DSM-5 (or, for those so inclined, the ICD-10). Time travel. Prosopagnosia. Earthworms. Anti-fascism. (From recent suggestions)

Summary, in limerick form, of movies based on Cormac McCarthy novels
More will be added as the month progresses

(More themes to come, watch this space.)

By entering you grant metamorphosism.com permission to publish your entry electronically on metamorphosism.com, in social media (including but not limited to twitter.com, facebook.com and anything else) as well as in book form, although the latter is REALLY unlikely, and has never happened yet, without compensation (this is a non-profit venture, and any possible, although unlikely, book would be, you know, for charity most likely). I have never published them anywhere but here, but who knows?
AS ALWAYS, RULES ARE SUBJECT TO CONSTANT CHANGE DURING THE CONTEST, SO CHECK BACK OFTEN.

As Davos elites nibbled snacks
And patted themselves on the backs
For doing such good,
An historian stood
And stated, “Hey, maybe pay tax?”

— Limericking (@Limericking) January 30, 2019

A blogger named Mig posed the query,
“Are limericks really so scary?
“A prize must be granted!”
His readership chanted
In unison, “Give it to Perry!”

Once again, on the basis of his exceedingly clever entries that spited all my efforts to complicate the process with sudden theme changes, poet Perry Iles takes the prize, which this year is one (1) unit of “4“, the new album by Orp, the ambient noise band I am in along with Horst. Perry, please send me your mailing address via the medium of your choice and I will get your prize in the mail ASAP. Congratulations Perry, and thanks to you and all the other entrants (i.e. KayO) for entering. See you again next year.

Welcome to the 2019 edition of the metamorphosism.com International St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest.
Please leave your entries in the comments to this post.
Enter as often as you like.
Please note the following: this year’s contest image, at the top, combines images of H.P. Lovecraft and Johnny Cash. This is because extra points this year will be awarded to entries that mashup two or more genres, such as country-western and horror, inspired by a recent social media meme and even a video of a woman singing ‘Jolene’ with Lovecraftian lyrics (I would post a link but the only link I can find goes to a Facebook post and I’m trying to reduce my FB usage).
Please also note that your entry needn’t state which genres you are mashing, but it should be obvious from the entry.
This year’s themes:
(Tough crowd this year.)
(Also check further down the rules for more specific prompts/themes)
World politics
Nutrition
Sex
Popular culture
Obsolete technologies

JEFF BEZOS’ SEXTS (I suggest mashing them up with science fiction and/or horror because I like low-hanging fruit, but genre choice is up to entrants)
LOVE AND SEX
HORROR,
APOCAPLEXIA,
plus bonus themes to be added as the contest progresses
All participants, young and old, are encouraged to consult the combined FAQ/rules below BECAUSE THEY CHANGE WHILE THE CONTEST IS GOING ON.
Like every year.
It’s just that way.

FAQ/Rules

• Does it have to be a limerick? YES. This is strictly enforced, and non-limericks will not be accepted. Google proper limerick form if you are not sure.
• How do I enter? POST YOUR ENTRY OR ENTRIES in the comments to this post. Click on comment, or whatever is down there, and add a new comment.
• When is the deadline? THE DEADLINE is 14 February 2018
• Do you mean 12 midnight on the night of the 13th or midnight on the night of the 14th? And which time zone shall have seisin of jurisdiction? We have had considerably confusion in the past! NINE AM (CENTRAL EUROPEAN TIME) 14 February 2017.
• Is there a prize? YES THERE IS A PRIZE! I will send you the newest album by ORP, “4“, scheduled to be released February 2019
• Is there a limit to how often I can enter? NO. Enter as often as you like. The more often you enter, the better your chances.
• HOWEVER ONLY ORIGINAL ENTRIES ARE ACCEPTED. PLAGIARISM RESULTS IN DISQUALIFICATION. No exceptions made for members of the First Family.
• Can entries be bawdy? YES, absolutely. These are limericks, they can be bawdy, gross, you name it. It’s not required, but it is in the nature of the genre. ALSO: this is for St. Valentine’s Day so points awarded for love/romance/sex-related poetry. However, entries offensive to the contest operator will be deleted at his discretion, for offenses including but not limited to racism, and misogyny.
• Complaints and other negative trolling will be deleted. There is no avenue of appeal. Decisions of the judges are final. Be nice, and have fun, and don’t take this too seriously.
• Is there anything else I can do to be deleted? Yes. Besides complaints, anything else that is not a limerick will also be deleted, especially anything remotely similar to trolling, nastiness or disagreeing with me. That will get you deleted, and whatever else our technicians here can think up. This is meant to be a fun and light-hearted.

Let’s see, what else? Oh yes.

• Bonus points are awarded for any of the following (No limit to how many themes you may include, the more the better):

Summary, in limerick form, of movies based on Cormac McCarthy novels
Limerickification of famous poems
Led Zeppelin songs
Politics, especially but not limited to the Trump Witch Hunt and Brexit
Sex, all species (do not combine species)
Religion
Science (especially recent scientific breakthroughs)
Greek expressions (especially ancient Greek)

Ways to celebrate Valentine’s Day
Conspiracy theories
Jeff Bezos’ sexts (could mash up with science fiction/AI run amok, for example)
Current events
Disagreements over theoretical physics
Being Perry Iles

(More themes to come, watch this space.)

By entering you grant metamorphosism.com permission to publish your entry electronically on metamorphosism.com, in social media (including but not limited to twitter.com, facebook.com and anything else) as well as in book form, although the latter is REALLY unlikely, and has never happened yet, without compensation (this is a non-profit venture, and any possible, although unlikely, book would be, you know, for charity most likely).
AS ALWAYS, RULES ARE SUBJECT TO CONSTANT CHANGE DURING THE CONTEST, SO CHECK BACK OFTEN.

This year’s contest is closed. Thanks to all entrants, and all visitors.
I originally planned to announce the winners earlier, but then I got busy at work, and when I got home I had to make a couscous/vegetable dish that seemed as if it would go quickly, but involved a lot of peeling and chopping so here we are.

The winners:
First of all, our sincere appreciation here at metamorphosism.com to everyone who entered. For the second year in a row (at least!) Eeveryone had sweet dispositions this year despite a few abrupt but unavoidable random (but mostly minor) rule changes, and there was no fighting or bickering, which was a big relief. So thank you, dudes, it was a lot of fun reading your poetry.
Before I continue: should the entry period be longer next year? It seemed to flash past this time, but maybe I’m just getting older, old people are always talking about how fast time goes by. Or maybe I was just busy (I was). Are two weeks Was an entire month enough? Would three weeks be better?

Ok, the winners:
First of all, to each entrant I say: we should get together for a coffee or a drink or something sometime. I know a bar where they open the champagne with a sword, for example.
Okay.
By the way, when we were in Ireland two years ago early last year, my wife and I – my wife is investigating our ancestors and we hired a genealogy butler and she claimed to have found the village my Irish ancestors came from, a few miles outside Limerick.
Where else could they possibly have come from.
It felt like in that one movie where the cities fold up only it was generations of my family history, folding up neatly on themselves. <--- I have no idea what I meant by that.

Ok, anyway, the winners:
Oh, PS: do you think the creepy little clown drove people away How did you like this year’s banner? I still love last year’s creepy clown gif, but maybe it was a little too psycho, so I tried to keep it romantic this year. I thought it sort of captures the shadow side of the holiday, you know? But maybe that is better left to the limericks instead. I’ll try to have a more attractive graphic next year.
Ok.
Here we are:
Honorable mention goes to Kimmy Alan. Thanks for participating!Cj for an autobiographical work about having Georgia on your mind. NICE TO SEE YOU AROUND AGAIN CJ!!! Have fun in Tbilisi.
Second place goes to KayO for five daunting entries spanning Wittgenstein, Amy Sherald, Oulipo and Stendahl among others. It was damn close this year, but…
Third place goes to TH who is apparently saving those worse limericks he was working on for next year’s contest. See you next year TH (if not before).
Dee gets the silver medal: three really fine limericks and hit a lot of the bonus themes as well. I was really happy to see you contributing, Dee.
Perry Iles takes first place this year, due only secondarily to one of the secret rules of this contest (“Perry always wins”) (Perry, it seems, has been winning since 1979, when the pre-Internet version of the contest was conducted in spray paint on Italian monuments) and primarily to both the quality and quantity of his entries, and his admirable ability to turn on a dime and incorporate new bonus themes as they arise, and also his occasional fucking with scansion, which made me LOL, especially, as KayO also mentioned, his Cormac McCarthy entry.
See you all next year. Thanks again!

Welcome to the 2018 edition of the metamorphosism.com International Limerick Contest.
Please leave your entries in the comments to this post.
Enter as often as you like.
This year’s theme: LOVE AND SEXUNCERTAINTY NON-ATTACHMENT AS IT PERTAINS TO ENLIGHTENMENT, plus bonus themes to be added as the contest progresses
All participants, young and old, are encouraged to consult the combined FAQ/rules below BECAUSE THEY CHANGE WHILE THE CONTEST IS GOING ON.
Like every year.
It’s just that way.

FAQ/Rules

• Does it have to be a limerick? YES. This is strictly enforced, and non-limericks will not be accepted. Google proper limerick form if you are not sure.
• How do I enter? POST YOUR ENTRY OR ENTRIES in the comments to this post. Click on comment, or whatever is down there, and add a new comment.
• When is the deadline? THE DEADLINE is 14 February 2018
• Do you mean 12 midnight on the night of the 13th or midnight on the night of the 14th? And which time zone shall have seisin of jurisdiction? We have had considerably confusion in the past! NINE AM (CENTRAL EUROPEAN TIME) 14 February 2017.
• Is there a prize? NOT YET but that might change. YES THERE IS A PRIZE! I will send you the newest album of your choice by O’R.P, “Eidetic Memory“.
• Is there a limit to how often I can enter? NO. Enter as often as you like. The more often you enter, the better your chances.
• HOWEVER ONLY ORIGINAL ENTRIES ARE ACCEPTED. PLAGIARISM RESULTS IN DISQUALIFICATION. No exceptions made for members of the First Family.
• Can entries be bawdy? YES, absolutely. These are limericks, they can be bawdy, gross, you name it. It’s not required, but it is in the nature of the genre. ALSO: this is for St. Valentine’s Day so points awarded for love/romance/sex-related poetry.
• Complaints will be deleted. There is no avenue of appeal. Decisions of the judges are final. Be nice, and have fun, and don’t take this too seriously.
• Is there anything else I can do to be deleted? Yes. Besides complaints, anything else that is not a limerick will also be deleted, especially anything remotely similar to trolling, nastiness or disagreeing with me. That will get you deleted, and whatever else our technicians here can think up. This is meant to be a fun, light-hearted, non-political past-time.

Let’s see, what else? Oh yes.

• Bonus points are awarded for any of the following (No limit to how many themes you may include, the more the better):
• The Deep State conspiracy to thwart #45 (or aspects thereof)
• Famous murdersThe best thing about being Perry Iles
• Notorious criminalsAn okra recipe
• Ways to celebrate Valentine’s Day
• The first work of art to give you Stockholm Stendhal Syndrom
• OzymandiasThe art of Georgia O’Keefe
• Contemporary female artists
• Philosophers of the 20th centuryComical misunderstandings
• Conspiracy theories
• OulipoHome depression cures
• Current events
• Musical genres
• William Gibson, Cormac McCarthy
• Disagreements over theoretical physics
• What to do if you find yourself in the Bardo
• Catholic doctrine
• The worst thing about catsBeing Perry Iles
• Sexual acts popularized by or associated with the 45th President of the United States
• Sexual acts not popularized by nor associated with #45

(More themes to come, watch this space.)

By entering you grant metamorphosism.com permission to publish your entry electronically on metamorphosism.com, in social media (including but not limited to twitter.com, facebook.com and anything else) as well as in book form, although the latter is REALLY unlikely, without compensation (this is a non-profit venture, and any possible, although unlikely, book would be, you know, for charity most likely).
AS ALWAYS, RULES ARE SUBJECT TO CONSTANT CHANGE DURING THE CONTEST, SO CHECK BACK OFTEN.

This year’s contest is closed. Thanks to all entrants, and all visitors.
I originally planned to announce the winners earlier, but then I got busy at work, and when I got home I had to make a couscous/vegetable dish that seemed as if it would go quickly, but involved a lot of peeling and chopping so here we are.

The winners:
First of all, our sincere appreciation here at metamorphosism.com to everyone who entered. Everyone had sweet dispositions this year despite a few abrupt but unavoidable random (but mostly minor) rule changes, and there was no fighting or bickering, which was a big relief. So thank you, dudes, it was a lot of fun reading your poetry.
Before I continue: should the entry period be longer next year? It seemed to flash past this time, but maybe I’m just getting older, old people are always talking about how fast time goes by. Or maybe I was just busy (I was). Are two weeks enough? Would three weeks be better?

Ok, the winners:
First of all, to each entrant I say: we should get together for a coffee or a drink or something sometime.
Okay.
By the way, when we were in Ireland early last year, my wife and I – my wife is investigating our ancestors and we hired a genealogy butler and she claimed to have found the village my Irish ancestors came from, a few miles outside Limerick.
Where else could they possibly have come from.
It felt like in that one movie where the cities fold up only it was generations of my family history, folding up neatly on themselves.

Ok, anyway, the winners:
Oh, PS: do you think the creepy little clown drove people away? I thought it sort of captures the shadow side of the holiday, you know? But maybe that is better left to the limericks instead. I’ll try to have a more attractive graphic next year.
Ok.
Here we are:
Honorable mention goes to Cj for an autobiographical work about having Georgia on your mind. NICE TO SEE YOU AROUND AGAIN CJ!!! Have fun in Tbilisi.
Third place goes to TH who is apparently saving those worse limericks he was working on for next year’s contest. See you next year TH (if not before).
Dee gets the silver medal: three really fine limericks and hit a lot of the bonus themes as well. I was really happy to see you contributing, Dee.
Perry Iles takes first place this year, due only secondarily to one of the secret rules of this contest (“Perry always wins”) and primarily to both the quality and quantity of his entries, and his admirable ability to turn on a dime and incorporate new bonus themes as they arise, and also his occasional fucking with scansion, which made me LOL.
See you all next year. Thanks again!

Welcome to the 2017 edition of the metamorphosism.com International Limerick Contest.
Please leave your entries in the comments to this post.
Enter as often as you like.
This year’s theme: CURRENT EVENTS, plus bonus themes to be added as the contest progresses
All participants, new and seasoned veterans, are encouraged to consult the combined FAQ/rules below BECAUSE THEY CHANGE WHILE THE CONTEST IS GOING ON.
No one knows why.
FAQ/Rules

• Does it have to be a limerick? YES. This is strictly enforced, and non-limericks will not be accepted. Google proper limerick form if you are not sure.
• How do I enter? POST YOUR ENTRY OR ENTRIES in the comments to this post. Click on comment, or whatever is down there, and add a new comment.
• When is the deadline? THE DEADLINE is 14 February 2017
• Do you mean 12 midnight on the night of the 13th or midnight on the night of the 14th? And which time zone shall have seisin of jurisdiction? We have had considerably confusion in the past! NINE AM (CENTRAL EUROPEAN TIME) 14 February 2017.
• Oh by the way, I have a Quince tree on Cranes Lane. I think I should get a multiplier for that fact. No, sorry, that was last year. Secret multiplier in place.
• Is there a prize? NOT YET but that might change.
• Is there a limit to how often I can enter? NO. Enter as often as you like. The more often you enter, the better your chances.
• HOWEVER ONLY ORIGINAL ENTRIES ARE ACCEPTED. PLAGIARISM RESULTS IN DISQUALIFICATION. No exceptions made for members of the First Family.
• Can entries be bawdy? YES, absolutely. These are limericks, they can be bawdy, gross, you name it. It’s not required, but it is in the nature of the genre. ALSO: this is for St. Valentine’s Day so points awarded for love/romance/sex-related poetry.
• Complaints will be deleted. There is no avenue of appeal. Decisions of the judges are final. Be nice, and have fun, and don’t take this too seriously.
• Is there anything else I can do to be deleted? Yes. Besides complaints, anything else that is not a limerick will also be deleted, especially anything remotely similar to trolling, nastiness or disagreeing with me. That will get you deleted, and whatever else our technicians here can think up. This is meant to be a fun, light-hearted, non-political past-time.
• Let’s see, what else? Oh yes.
• Bonus points are awarded for inclusion of themes listed below (No limit to how many themes you may include, the more the better):
• Last-minute addition: Scottish insults (particularly in combination with USAmerican politics..)
• Current events i.e. tacky kakistocracy, apocaplexia, alternative facts, Trump, etc etc etc think of it as catharsis.
• Use of the phrase “tacky kakistocracy” or something even better
• Utopian visions
• Musical genres (see here for ideas, thanks Carola!)
• Cormac McCarthy, Don DeLillo, William Gibson et al
• Field dependence vs field independence
• Quantum theory
• The Tibetan Book of the Dead
• William S. Burroughs
• Funeral planning
• (More themes to come, watch this space.)

By entering you grant metamorphosism.com permission to publish your entry electronically on metamorphosism.com, in social media (including but not limited to twitter.com, facebook.com and anything else) as well as in book form, although the latter is REALLY unlikely, without compensation (this is a non-profit venture, and any possible, although unlikely, book would be, you know, for charity most likely).
AS ALWAYS, RULES ARE SUBJECT TO CONSTANT CHANGE DURING THE CONTEST, SO CHECK BACK OFTEN.

Now, get cracking.

This year’s contest is finished!
Thanks to everyone who entered.
Here are the winners (I was going to leave them in the comments, but they’re not working for me. Are they broken for you too? Did anyone try to enter and find it impossible? Dang.)
Anyhow.

Third place: Tomas Green
Second place: Tim Rebstock
First place: KayO

Congratulations, everyone and thanks for entering!!

Welcome to the 2016 edition of the metamorphosism.com International Limerick Contest.
Please leave your entries in the comments to this post.
Enter as often as you like.
All participants, new and seasoned veterans, are encouraged to consult the combined FAQ/rules below BECAUSE THEY CHANGE WHILE THE CONTEST IS GOING ON.
No one knows why.
FAQ/Rules

1. Does it have to be a limerick? YES. The judges are very strict. Google proper limerick form if you are not sure.
2. How do I enter? POST YOUR ENTRY OR ENTRIES in the comments to this post. Click on comment, or whatever is down there, and add a new comment.
3. When is the deadline? THE DEADLINE is 14 February 2016
4. Do you mean 12 midnight on the night of the 13th or midnight on the night of the 14th? And which time zone shall have seisin of jurisdiction? We have had considerably confusion in the past! NINE AM (CENTRAL EUROPEAN TIME) 14 February.
5. Oh by the way, I have a Quince tree on Cranes Lane. I think I should get a multiplier for that fact. OK, BY ALL MEANS. Secret multiplier in place.
6. Is there a prize? NOT YET but that might change. I have 5kg of quince in my kitchen and hope to make some marmalade and some preserves tonite. UPDATE: I have tried the quince marmalade and it tastes okay so a winner could have a jar of that I guess, but only within Europe because shipping. Not sure about the quince/whisky preserves, haven’t tried that yet so no promises.
7. Is there a limit to how often I can enter? NO. Enter as often as you like. The more often you enter, the better your chances.
8. HOWEVER ONLY ORIGINAL ENTRIES ARE ACCEPTED. PLAGIARISM RESULTS IN DISQUALIFICATION.
9. Can entries be bawdy? YES, absolutely. These are limericks, they can be bawdy, gross, you name it. It’s not required, but it is in the nature of the genre. ALSO: this is for St. Valentine’s Day so points awarded for love/romance/sex-related poetry.
10. Complaints will be deleted. There is no avenue of appeal. Decisions of the judges are final. Be nice, and have fun, and don’t take this too seriously.
11. Let’s see, what else? Oh yes.
12. Bonus points are awarded for inclusion of themes listed below (No limit to how many themes you may include, the more the better):
13. Limericks written in the voice/evocative of one or more of the following: Sarah Palin, William Gibson, David Foster Wallace, James Joyce, Ray Bradbury, Joyce Carol Oates, Philip K. Dick, Haruki Murakami, Jorge Luis Borges or George R.R. Martin
14. Lesser-known philosophers
15. Discredited or unpopular self-help ideas
16. Invasive species
17. Alternatives to neo-liberal capitalism
18. Uncommon fetishes or obsessions
19. Authors and/or artists with two first initials, such as H.P. Lovecraft and e.e. cummings
20. Construction cranes
21. Quince recipes, or other things one can do with quinces, or quince in general.
22. NEW ADDITION—>Malheur National Forest, Malheur Wildlife Refuge, etc, including but not limited to recent events in them parts, although that might be low-hanging fruit.
23. “The Revenant” references disguised such that they are not spoilers.
24. By entering you grant metamorphosism.com permission to publish your entry electronically on metamorphosism.com, in social media (including but not limited to twitter.com, facebook.com and anything else) as well as in book form, although the latter is REALLY unlikely, without compensation (this is a non-profit venture, and any possible, although unlikely, book would be, you know, for charity most likely).
25. AS ALWAYS, RULES ARE SUBJECT TO CONSTANT CHANGE DURING THE CONTEST, SO CHECK BACK OFTEN.

Now, get cracking.

We here at metamorphosism.com have the distinct pleasure to announce the opening of this year’s St. Valentine’s Day Limerick contest. This could possibly be the contest’s 14th year, if you can believe that.

Time flies.

You may be wondering whether there is a prize this year. So far, no. But that could change. Yes, of course there is a prize. The winner will receive a copy of The Bug, a comic book starring Mig Living’s much-loved orthographically-challenged insectoid, tEh Bgu.

Before entering the contest, please read the following rules. As last year, to encourage you to read the rules, instructions on how to enter the contest are hidden within the rules. Contestants please note slight rule changes below, in the bonus theme section.

1. No fighting.
2. The three most important things: Scansion, scansion, scansion.
3. Enter as often as you like. The more often you enter, the better your chances of winning. But read the other rules first.
4. Violation of any of the following rules may hurt your chances, so please read them carefully.
5. Also please note that any of the following rules are subject to change without notice, at the whim of the contest organizers and judge(s). This is a feature, not a bug. By entering you accept this fact, and all of the rules, and even proactively accept future rules the current rules may change to at any time.
6. Entries must be limericks. (This rule never changes, promise.)
7. Entries should be artful and delight the reader’s artistic sensibilities.
8. Being limericks, entries may of course be humorous, bawdy, shocking, obscene, etc., but this is not required. All that is required is that the entry be a limerick (A-A-B-B-A rhyme scheme, etc, look it up). The wikipedia article on limericks, for example, is here.
9. Points are subtracted for violation of any of these rules.
10. Points are also subtracted arbitrarily in accordance with the application of the algorithm of unfairness.
11. Bonus points are awarded for incorporation of one or more bonus themes, listed below.
12. Bonus themes: failed utopias, gender issues, historical political movements, non-Western musical instruments, dipsomania, food poisoning (especially the bacteria that cause it), capitalism, Ayn Rand, sex dolls, historical articles of clothing, parasites that influence the behavior of the host, especially (but not only) in humans, the history of the tuxedo, B-movie tropes, television detective dramas, supernatural despair especially as portrayed in the fiction of Robert W. Chambers, the various proteins on the surface of the influenza virus, historic epidemics, the economics of monopolies.
13. Bonus themes are subject to change during the contest, possibly rendering entries previously eligible for bonus points suddenly ineligible.
14. *NEW*: HARDSHIP POINTS Extra hardship points will be awarded to limericks written without the letter “E”.
15. But don’t worry, it’s all good.
16. Entries should be submitted in the comments to this post.
17. Deadline is 14 February, winners will be announced 14 February.
18. Judging and other procedures in the conduct of this contest pretend to be crooked, but they are actually pretty fair, but there is never any guarantee this will be the case this time. Just assume the contest is crooked and unfair and you won’t be disappointed.
19. Complaints will be deleted.
20. There is no right to, nor avenue of, appeal.
21. You may enter as often as you like. So check back often to read all the new entries and see if the rules have changed, or the bonus themes.
22. By entering the contest, you grant metamorphosism.com permission to publish your entry (here in the comments where you enter it, and possibly on facebook or twitter, to publicize the contest) but you retain all rights to your entries.
23. Feel free to email me at metamorphosist@gmail.com if you have any questions or find one particular limerick especially great or whatever.
24. Please have fun.
25. Last, but not least: my deep thanks to my talented friend Bran Fox for designing the logo for this year’s contest, as in so many years past.

This year's judge: the Hobo Spider

Due to time constraints, and because it is sufficiently arbitrary and unconstrained by considerations such as fairness, the Hobo Spider was selected to judge this year’s limerick contest. (The entries are here.)

The Lifetime Achievement Award and the 2011 Daunting Proficiency Award both go to JANN this year, the first double award in the history of the contest. I think. I’m not sure and I can’t be arsed to go back and check.

2011 Poet I’d Most Like to Bite on the ankle award goes to Patti.

Snakebearer Award goes to Schnitzi for finding a rhyme for Ophiuchus.

2011 I Was In Your Shoe But I’m Not Anymore Award goes to Ian.

Honorable Mention goes to Michael Berry.

And, finally, this year’s winner is Joeri.

Congratulations and thanks to all participants!

Winner’s will be announced on Valentine’s Day, 14 February 2011 unless I’m having some crisis or something.

Rules:

1. Be nice.
2. Entries must be a limerick.
3. This year’s themes: Jungian psychology, the recent astrological reform, Icelandic geography, monopolistic corporate imperialism and/or plutocracy.
4. Entries must be made in the comments to this post.

Rather than single non-winners out for praise, which only risks pissing people off, let me say only that A.C. Teathorn and I agreed on the high quality of most entries and think you people are really great.

For the first time (I think, and I’m too lazy to check past contests, plus it’s Valentine’s Day and I have to go make waffles in a second) we have a tie for first place, which is the only place that will win an actual prize, seeing as how I am not made of books. So, without further ado, our winners:

Mr. TC: First Place, for the sweetest limerick of this year’s contest

Ms. MN: First Place, for being a genius, among other things.

Thanks to everyone who participated.

Mr. Cand Ms. MN, your prizes are as good as in the mail, as soon as I get around to binding them. Please email me  your preferred mailing addresses.

Things you should know, in no particular order:

This contest has been going for years, and is extremely popular. The entries are awe-inspiring. Last year some of the winners got a prize. This year, I have saved one or more of my books (Little-Known Facts) and will award it/them as a prize. I think I will get someone else to adjudicate the contest for me this year. THE DEADLINE IS  13 FEBRUARY 2010. Winners will be announced on Valentine’s Day.

RULES ARE SUBJECT TO CHANGE. That’s just the way life is. Anything else would be, like, trying to deny this fact about our existence. Here are the rules at the present moment:

1. Entries must be a limerick. Go to wikipedia.org, type “limerick” in the box, go to the entry about the poetic form, not the town, and read.
2. Or google it, or whatever you people do.
3. Limericks must include a structural misconception.
4. Extra points for composers, musical forms, and Mahatma Gandhi jokes.
5. Report on last year’s contest here.
6. The arbitrary structural misconception rule was throwing people off (it was that, right?) so that has been eliminated. And composers have been done before, I think. And Gandhi wasn’t really being milked for the maximum comedy there, despite the fact that he used to sleep naked with young women to test his resolve, according to Wikipedia or someplace.
7. So instead, the following rules will be in place:
8. The limericks must be, as limericks often are, about love, especially its dodgier aspects BUT however use of the word “love” will result in instant disqualification. (Gamma suggested that one, I’m so proud.)
9. Extra points will be awarded for the following: disgraced medical treatments, freshwater amoeba, character actors from the “That Guy” list of actors, skeletal bones, Irish politics, Irish writers, legal concepts, punctuation, and apocrypha.

SUBMIT ENTRIES IN THE COMMENTS TO THIS POST! Please include a valid email address (not posted) so that you can be contacted in case you win. Or don’t, whatever.