2010 Metamorphosism St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest
Tags: contest, limerick, literature, valentine's day
IMPORTANT NOTICE: THERE HAS BEEN A LAST-MINUTE RULE CHANGE! SEE BELOW!
Things you should know, in no particular order:
This contest has been going for years, and is extremely popular. The entries are awe-inspiring. Last year some of the winners got a prize. This year, I have saved one or more of my books (Little-Known Facts) and will award it/them as a prize. I think I will get someone else to adjudicate the contest for me this year. THE DEADLINE IS 13 FEBRUARY 2010. Winners will be announced on Valentine’s Day.
RULES ARE SUBJECT TO CHANGE. That’s just the way life is. Anything else would be, like, trying to deny this fact about our existence. Here are the rules at the present moment:
- Entries must be a limerick. Go to wikipedia.org, type “limerick” in the box, go to the entry about the poetic form, not the town, and read.
- Or google it, or whatever you people do.
- Limericks must include a structural misconception.
- Extra points for composers, musical forms, and Mahatma Gandhi jokes.
- Report on last year’s contest here.
- The arbitrary structural misconception rule was throwing people off (it was that, right?) so that has been eliminated. And composers have been done before, I think. And Gandhi wasn’t really being milked for the maximum comedy there, despite the fact that he used to sleep naked with young women to test his resolve, according to Wikipedia or someplace.
- So instead, the following rules will be in place:
- The limericks must be, as limericks often are, about love, especially its dodgier aspects BUT however use of the word “love” will result in instant disqualification. (Gamma suggested that one, I’m so proud.)
- Extra points will be awarded for the following: disgraced medical treatments, freshwater amoeba, character actors from the “That Guy” list of actors, skeletal bones, Irish politics, Irish writers, legal concepts, punctuation, and apocrypha.
SUBMIT ENTRIES IN THE COMMENTS TO THIS POST! Please include a valid email address (not posted) so that you can be contacted in case you win. Or don’t, whatever.
Jann said:
Jan 19, 10 at 3:42 pmI am not an official entrant this year. I’m adopting the Navajo philosophy, which, according to Tony Hillerman, means that if you win something three times in a row, you don’t enter the next time. But I might contribute a limerick now and then, unofficially.
I can’t separate things into paragraphs on your blog, mig, so this note refers to the limerick which will follow. The structural misconception is in putting the definite article after the noun in the first line.
Jann said:
Jan 19, 10 at 3:45 pmMan the he’d written a song,
But, golly, he’d sure got it wrong,
He wrote about Ghandi,
He rhymed it with randy,
And said he was known for his dong!
Trish said:
Jan 20, 10 at 5:06 pmA rhyme of six lines is perverse
But to write in couplets is a curse
But with Gandhi humming
And Handel with him strumming
A couple and two couplets make my verse
Pete said:
Jan 22, 10 at 3:36 pmI once knew a man named DeJin
He was known to grow hair on his chin
when I asked why this was so
he replied very slow
In this repressive economic prison, I am forced to work for such meager restitutions so that my employer can increase their margins that I can not afford to by razors
Jann said:
Jan 22, 10 at 4:25 pmThe remodeler took out a support,
The house stood; “It is strong, like a fort,
“Advice we don’t heed,
“Supports we don’t need,”
Now the roof’s on the floor; he’s in court!
This is based on an true experience with my late father-in-law, which fortunately turned out better than this, i.e., the building did not actually collapse.
Jann said:
Jan 24, 10 at 7:06 pmThe beat of a lim’rick to me,
Is as perfect as perfect can be,
Any structu’al misconceptions,
Lie in the directions,
And Lerner and Lowe would agree.
Tee hee hee!
Jann said:
Jan 25, 10 at 5:02 pmAn op’ra soprano named Heather,
Worked a cruise ship in very bad weather,
When she hit those high seas (sic),
Oh golly, oh geez, hic,
She found herself quite a bit seasick.
Peter Oliver said:
Jan 28, 10 at 6:59 amCinders’ suitor at last broke the silence
The lost Schumann had searched low and high lands.
Serenaders could sing
But they couldn’t have strings
For he followed Ghandi’s path of non violins.
Jann said:
Jan 28, 10 at 2:19 pmRichard Rodgers and Oscar the second,
Their music the whole country beckoned,
On Broadway for years,
Amidst millions of cheers,
To nobody did they come second, I reckon.
Jann said:
Jan 29, 10 at 1:44 pmMisconceptions, and this I declare,
Are things of which one’s not aware,
All errors made by choice,
By pen or by voice,
Don’t fit the description; so there!
Pretense is here something we share.
Trish said:
Jan 30, 10 at 3:24 pmI see Jann’s not participating this year.
Jann said:
Jan 30, 10 at 4:58 pmWriting lim’ricks is fun as can be,
First you pick out a topic, you see,
Then you find words that rhyme,
Fix the rhythm and time,
Then you add a “mistake” if needs be,
(Cuz this year an error is the key).
Jann said:
Feb 02, 10 at 3:12 pmShel Silverstein seems all the rage,
Mason’s class learned the poems on the page,
All written by Shel,
And recited quite well,
By the children who’re seven of age
Twas a reason they got on the stage:
Barnes and Noble had books they would sell,
And the school’d get the profit, how swell,
Parents came for the verse,
The school got the purse,
Twas a venture we hope turned out well,
All the angst over money to quell.
Jann said:
Feb 02, 10 at 7:22 pmThat limericks all should be dirty,
I’ve heard many times, maybe thirty,
But these here, en masse,
Are not of that class,
Not even a little bit flirty, alas.
georgia said:
Feb 06, 10 at 8:29 pmI once knew a heart wrapped in blood
That pumped to its hearts content
Each cell was so swell
that all marvelled and sent
Valentine’s for Love to tell
georgia said:
Feb 06, 10 at 8:36 pmWhen Gandhi spoke of Love
He looked upon the dove
And said how pure can one heart be
Then looked in the mirror and said,
Why look at that, it’s me!
A pretty picture of Valentine-Led
georgia said:
Feb 06, 10 at 8:40 pmA limerick is a wordy trick
meant to sort of stick in your head
To tie it up with Valentine’s
Make light of Love and perhaps that’s good
Cuz then it’s more easily understood
georgia said:
Feb 07, 10 at 9:18 pmA limerick for Valentine’s Day
Sets sentiment aside for words to play
With a jot and a tittle and
a fiddle dee dee
Just look at this Love’s ABC’s display!
georgia said:
Feb 07, 10 at 9:23 pmI Wish i might, may say today
In my own flusterated way
I am here and now and
You are mine I vow
My somewhere, sometime Valentine
georgia said:
Feb 07, 10 at 9:28 pmI dare say Ghandi knew his peace
While I know my carrots and peas
Next comes chocolate truffles
A dress with white ruffles
And we both love the dog with fleas
georgia said:
Feb 07, 10 at 9:31 pmSay, give me a whirl of romance
Just don’t ask me for to dance
Nor this and that
I prefer my cat
O horizons I must enhance!
georgia said:
Feb 07, 10 at 9:34 pmUntil the sky turns to fire
My heart is filled with desire
It’s plain to see
My diary is free
But I still wish and not tire
georgia said:
Feb 07, 10 at 9:38 pmMy Valentine is as good as gold
Or so I have been so very told
By those who are bold
And seemingly sold
on our love being good as gold
georgia said:
Feb 07, 10 at 9:39 pmI learned to write a limerick
And what good did it do
I still get up
Put on my shoes
And the cows they still say Moo
georgia said:
Feb 07, 10 at 9:44 pmSome say I waste the time
On nonsense like this rhyme
If I choose to stay here
Then what may you care
Playing letters like a french mime
georgia said:
Feb 07, 10 at 9:46 pmStay awhile and be my Valentine
And sign the official dotted line
Then say “I do’
Your love is true
And perhaps we should become one mind
georgia said:
Feb 07, 10 at 9:48 pmIf I may say it’s been a lovely day
And you reply it sure has been okay
And I hear bells
And you don’t say
What can I expect on Valentines’ Day?
georgia said:
Feb 07, 10 at 9:52 pmThis is my very last limerick
There must be a rule that sticks
One more makes you sick
Like a bite from a tick
Or a candle without a wick
georgia said:
Feb 07, 10 at 10:01 pmI’m back today with more of the same
A valentine’s wish for the lonely and plain
And for those that are not
who are sometimes just bought
And true loves who never do feign
georgia said:
Feb 07, 10 at 10:04 pmThere once was a man named Doo-Dad
Who lived in a shack that was sad
The roof was just able
To hold up a fable
Of the sad shack and the man named Doo-Dad
georgia said:
Feb 07, 10 at 10:09 pmThere once was a story that survived all its glory
It’s radience still shines yet today
It was printed and then
The author did send
It away and its still shining there today
georgia said:
Feb 07, 10 at 10:14 pmThere once was a limerick I didn’t take
So I said hey you, go jump in the lake
He then snazzled my brain
But what did he gain
But a fan that’s a fanciful fake
georgia said:
Feb 07, 10 at 10:23 pmWhile the time away you may say
But the Limerick is here to stay
Such as Valentine’s Day
All frolic and play
With none of the sweets on the tray
georgia said:
Feb 07, 10 at 10:25 pmThere was a child who was very mild
And there was none as mild as this child
Who fell sleep one day
And never rose to play
So the once mild child is now filed
georgia said:
Feb 07, 10 at 10:31 pmThe Limerick woke me up out of sleep
Like a jolt of midnight creep
It was poking my brain
Making somewhat insane
With words that were just so deep!
georgia said:
Feb 07, 10 at 10:38 pmRed Hearts and rose flower
With chocolates to devour
from milk of cows
That always wows
Every year on Valentine’s hour
georgia said:
Feb 07, 10 at 10:44 pmSorry if I bored you I pray
With my limericks all gone astray
I’ll try to be brief
And to your relief
Say this is enough for today!
georgia said:
Feb 08, 10 at 3:15 pmThere once was a man named Rick Limer
Loving limericks as a heart does tick
He then earned some fame
When he did but claim
To change his name to Limer Rick
Metamorphosism» Blog Archive » Last-minute limerick contest rule change: said:
Feb 09, 10 at 7:59 am[...] Please read the rules here. Entries should also be submitted in the comments to that post. [...]
Jann said:
Feb 09, 10 at 3:27 pmBig rule change. I would now like to be an official contestant. Am I allowed to change my mind? First limerick under the new rules:
Sue’s beau had become quite distracted,
Their hope for a future redacted,
He’d swum in a lake,
A ghastly mistake,
For N. fowleri he’d contracted!
peter the piper said:
Feb 09, 10 at 11:39 pmthere once was a man from tangiers
who found that he couldn’t shed any tears
so when he visited a whore
and bashed her head with a door
he wished had chosen a different career
peter the piper said:
Feb 09, 10 at 11:39 pmas a young couple went walking one sunday
the man said to the girl maybe one day
when grow limber enough
and trim down that tuft
i won’t get caught in the seaweed while diving
peter the piper said:
Feb 09, 10 at 11:45 pmthough the stars above the earth doth shine
and the depths of my heart be thine
the next time in bed
when there is an ache in your head
I’ll go get the asprin bottle and fuck it
peter the piper said:
Feb 09, 10 at 11:47 pmthere once was a wife who would talk
and her husband was sharp as a hawk
when he tried to write prose
she whistled through her nose
and they all laughed when she said the word caulk
peter the piper said:
Feb 09, 10 at 11:49 pmone roomate had bought a new TV
and the other had naught so said he
I’ll wait till he leaves
then leave it paused and we’ll see
how he likes the giant burn mark of gay porn on his screen
Jann said:
Feb 10, 10 at 4:30 amNow Gamma has set us a task,
One should not undertake sans a flask,
Why is it strong liking,
Is rhyming with biking,
Instead of with dove?, one might ask.
Jann said:
Feb 10, 10 at 4:35 amHe wrote poems for the lady he’d marry,
But the road to true rhythm was hairy,
Their thirst they did quench,
From a pond with no stench,
And acquired amoebic dysentery.
Jann said:
Feb 10, 10 at 4:44 amFor the lady, he felt a strong liking,
He asked if she’d care to go hiking,
From the path did they stray a bit,
And rolled in the hay a bit,
For the next date he thought they’d try biking!
Jann said:
Feb 10, 10 at 4:48 amHe thanked the dear heavens above,
For his lady was sweet as a dove,
And what were his musings,
As he thouught of their fusings?
“Aye, we fit like a hand in a glove.”
Jann said:
Feb 10, 10 at 4:53 amThe first night, it should be magnificent,
But the bride was decidedly diffident,
She stayed in the shower,
For over an hour,
And the groom? It was off in a tiff he went!
Jann said:
Feb 10, 10 at 5:00 amThe honeymoon in Thailand seemed heaven-sent,
Till they got in a bad rafting accident,
Got Giardia lamblia,
Kinda like an amoeba,
And the groom broke his femur, that’s how-it-went.
Jann said:
Feb 10, 10 at 12:34 pmThe pretty young maid had been fretting,
The handsome young doc said, “Bloodletting,”
When he reached for the leeches,
She undid his breeches,
Now a date has been set for the wedding.
Jann said:
Feb 10, 10 at 1:57 pmAcanthamoeba had taken Joe’s sight,
He was wont to despair of his plight,
Said his sweetheart, “Don’t frown dear,
“It won’t slow us down dear,
“Ladies all look the same without light.”
Jann said:
Feb 11, 10 at 3:43 pmJim chewed on a dirty bandana,
And contracted Endolimax nana,
It caused him colitis,
And rheumatoid arthritis,
And cost him his sweetheart, Rhianna.
For info re E. nana and rheumatioid arthritis, see: http://tinyurl.com/yhnxlrx paragraph 6
Trish said:
Feb 11, 10 at 4:47 pmI’ll list of a bunch of conditions
And such will fulfill my ambitions
abnormal lordosis
amd osteoporosis
Preclude me from acts of contrition(s)
Trish said:
Feb 11, 10 at 4:57 pmAmoeboids are a little one-dimensional
And so rogering is usually consensual
But the rules have gone Wilde
And coveting the child
Said the bishop was quite unintentional
Lisa D. said:
Feb 12, 10 at 10:20 amFrom Mad-Men I dig John Slattery.
His insults come out like flattery.
Full of ciggies and whisky,
He still makes me frisky
With a wit that is cunning and chattery.
Lisa D. said:
Feb 12, 10 at 10:29 amThat brazen, bald buck Wallace Shawn,
Who has conquered Pixar and beyond.
His line so believable,
He says “incontheiveable,”
And showcases Sicilian brawn.
Lisa D. said:
Feb 12, 10 at 10:43 amAs you can see, I liked the “That Guy” angle…
While admiring J.K. Simmons,
Whose expression reminds us of lemons,
As a mean prison Nazi
Or Juno’s dad, you’ll see
A skull that will start conversations.
Lisa D. said:
Feb 12, 10 at 11:00 amCiaran Hinds has my Irish heart booming,
Playing Bronte’s and Austin’s best groomsmen.
His Caesar was charming,
His Russians disarming,
Ms. Pettigrew’s boyfriend, so soothing.
Lisa D. said:
Feb 12, 10 at 9:06 pmGiovanni Ribisi’s a star!
It’s true he has come very far.
He’s been at it for years,
Playing mob guys and queers
And that prick from the flick Avatar.
Jann said:
Feb 13, 10 at 3:12 pmA contract does both parties bind,
And the newlyweds kept this in mind,
She was tied to the bed,
With ribbons of red,
Then came his turn; what rapture they’d find!
Angus McPresley said:
Feb 13, 10 at 5:33 pmWallace Shawn thought his wife unbelievable
When she said that a cure was achievable
The growth on his humerus
Was looking quite tumorous
But laetril pills? Inconthievable!
Jann said:
Feb 13, 10 at 5:44 pmThe young councilman from Errew,
Wanted all the young colleens to screw,
He was kind of a fop,
‘Tween the ladies he’d hop,
And they swooned when he sang “Too Ra Loo…”
Angus McPresley said:
Feb 13, 10 at 7:02 pmYou left me on Valentine’s day
And now my life’s in disarray
My trepan is dull
But a hole in my skull
Makes the one in my heart go away
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 7:20 pmWould you look who it is, yes it’s me
Was Eirelifted in just for to see
If you really are glad
If I stir things a tad
Like that guy, you know him, from Glee
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 7:24 pmDon’t you know that I’m glad to help out?
Trish, why didn’t you give me a shout?
They’re looking for Irish!!!!!!
That’s just our style Trish!!!!!
Sure we know stuff not known by the Kraut
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 7:26 pmAnd Mig told me I can’t say the word,
Which I really find rather absurd.
If the letters appear,
Does that not steer clear
Of my velo, my elov, my bird?
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 7:29 pmThey fell in you know what on first sight,
and made it ahem that same night.
or was it just lust
when he saw her bust?
No, I’m sure twas the other alright.
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 7:32 pmThere once were two clever Amoebae
who both sold sea products on ebay
through fresh water sources
they soon joined up forces
and now they are having a baebae
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 7:35 pmThough I’ve told him poor show on the cloning
The amoeba keeps on phoning and phoning
I showed him the door
He slid on the floor
And now there are talks of postponing
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 7:44 pmOh I see you’ve deleted amoebae
Replaced by the playwright O’Casey
Or Wilde and/or Joyce
There’s plenty of choice
They’re the best at the end of the day
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 7:46 pmJames Cromwell once lived on our street.
I swear it and once we did meet.
“You always play dad”,
Seemed to get him quite mad.
After that we talked with our feet.
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 7:51 pmAn Irish politician called O’Bama
Created a bit of a drama
He looked up his folks
In Ballygobroke
And in fact they’re from Toomevara
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 7:58 pmElizabeth Bowen’s a favourite of mine
Charles Ritchie her lover divine
I added an R
I asked my lawyer
Can’t disqualify but maybe fine
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 8:05 pmTrish come on now you have to come in
This time I would like you to win
The smell of the dwarf
Nearly made me barf
But it’s a book this time, re a fin
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 8:14 pmMary Sunshine I know keeps an eye
On proceedings and books by the by
Her reading’s prolific
I thinks she’s terrific
The prize illustrations belie
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 8:19 pmCome on trish, come on, have a say
You have to come on, no delay
I bought those nice books
But then I mistook
And gave three of my four books away
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 8:29 pmOk I rang and Trish is asleep
She really was run off her feet
She’s now a QC
Between you and me
And it looks like we’re in for defeat
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 8:34 pmWell the news in Ireland’s not good
George Lee has abandoned the hood
Nine month’s in the Dail
To him was feck all
He’d get his job back if he could
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 8:46 pmThere once was a playwright called Shaw
Who wasn’t quite sure of the law
He got a Nobel
And I heard someone tell
That Oscar displayed shock and awe
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 8:57 pmI will deal with apocrypha next
Though I don’t understand the context
It doesn’t occur
Yet it causes a stir
Like the banned word that makes you have sex
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 9:08 pmIn gaelic “bhuel” means well, just well.
But if you spelled backwards this bhuel
You’d get the forbidden
The one banned word hidden
Leubh Gamma and she couldn’t tell
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 9:13 pmWhile I’m here, very sad on my own
I think I’ll get back on the phone
We’ll have to rouse Ian
A Limerick machine
He has my snow white out on loan
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 9:24 pmThey say Wilde was well-known as a wit
Or so it is said and is writ
But he went to jail
And in this he must fail
For in absens haeres non erit
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 9:32 pmDid you know that Stalin was Irish
Apocryphal stories from my Trish
Tell of the when and the how
He beat Chairman Mao
In chess in Cowan’s pad which was stylish
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 9:45 pmSOS apostrophe catastrophe
The one re George Lee I have fluffed
Nine months in the Dail
Needs no quote at all
If you’re picky like that go get stuffed
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 9:58 pmThe theme must be about you know what,
And for the most part, well mine, they are not
I can punctuate though
And know Danny Trejo
And my valentine’s Flann O’Brien’s moth
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 10:07 pmI have feelings for this fellow Joyce
His mother thinks I am quite noice
if I stick like a limpet
And if I don’t wimp it
He may one day make me his woife
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 10:11 pmA lesser known playwright called Friel
Said you’re as young as the woman you feel
He would not use that word
Thought it somewhat absurd
Told his characters just to get real
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 10:16 pmThere once were some limericks from Muireann
Who kept on and on though she shouldn’t
She wanted a book
By hook or by crook
But was disqualified as she was foreign
Muireann Noonan said:
Feb 13, 10 at 10:23 pmThere is someone out there I adore
And when I get some, I want more
Till debt do us part
Well, debt and the farts
In Irish the word is a stÓr
Tony Collins said:
Feb 13, 10 at 10:43 pmMy dear Muireann has fallen asleep
I just saw her counting some sheep
In Brian Cowen’s county
A fish book’s a bounty
I adore her, and she is for keeps
Trish said:
Feb 14, 10 at 5:30 amI awoke and found it complete
Like so often, when offered a treat
A late entry allowed?
Although well endowed
The contest will bid me defeat
Trish said:
Feb 14, 10 at 5:35 amIn limerick and contest, I regret
I was not there at Muireann’s behest
like the West I’m Awake now
Like the opposite of hate though
NAMA dat quod non habet
Metamorphosism» Blog Archive » Winners of the 2010 metamorphosism.com St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest said:
Feb 14, 10 at 5:39 am[...] of all, thanks to all entrants in this year’s contest, and special thanks to A.C. Teathorn, who kindly agreed to adjudicate this year. Both the volume [...]
thomas@quinas.com said:
Feb 14, 10 at 5:39 amOh the Ladies of Eire are fiery
I must pencil them into my diary
Though a rub of my relic
For the ladies, angelic
Will reward them for excellent lawery