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2010 Metamorphosism St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest

IMPORTANT NOTICE: THERE HAS BEEN A LAST-MINUTE RULE CHANGE! SEE BELOW!

Things you should know, in no particular order:

This contest has been going for years, and is extremely popular. The entries are awe-inspiring. Last year some of the winners got a prize. This year, I have saved one or more of my books (Little-Known Facts) and will award it/them as a prize. I think I will get someone else to adjudicate the contest for me this year. THE DEADLINE IS  13 FEBRUARY 2010. Winners will be announced on Valentine’s Day.

RULES ARE SUBJECT TO CHANGE. That’s just the way life is. Anything else would be, like, trying to deny this fact about our existence. Here are the rules at the present moment:

  1. Entries must be a limerick. Go to wikipedia.org, type “limerick” in the box, go to the entry about the poetic form, not the town, and read.
  2. Or google it, or whatever you people do.
  3. Limericks must include a structural misconception.
  4. Extra points for composers, musical forms, and Mahatma Gandhi jokes.
  5. Report on last year’s contest here.
  6. The arbitrary structural misconception rule was throwing people off (it was that, right?) so that has been eliminated. And composers have been done before, I think. And Gandhi wasn’t really being milked for the maximum comedy there, despite the fact that he used to sleep naked with young women to test his resolve, according to Wikipedia or someplace.
  7. So instead, the following rules will be in place:
  8. The limericks must be, as limericks often are, about love, especially its dodgier aspects BUT however use of the word “love” will result in instant disqualification. (Gamma suggested that one, I’m so proud.)
  9. Extra points will be awarded for the following: disgraced medical treatments, freshwater amoeba, character actors from the “That Guy” list of actors, skeletal bones, Irish politics, Irish writers, legal concepts, punctuation, and apocrypha.

SUBMIT ENTRIES IN THE COMMENTS TO THIS POST! Please include a valid email address (not posted) so that you can be contacted in case you win. Or don’t, whatever.

97 responses to “2010 Metamorphosism St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest

  1. The honeymoon in Thailand seemed heaven-sent,
    Till they got in a bad rafting accident,
    Got Giardia lamblia,
    Kinda like an amoeba,
    And the groom broke his femur, that’s how-it-went.

  2. The pretty young maid had been fretting,
    The handsome young doc said, “Bloodletting,”
    When he reached for the leeches,
    She undid his breeches,
    Now a date has been set for the wedding.

  3. Acanthamoeba had taken Joe’s sight,
    He was wont to despair of his plight,
    Said his sweetheart, “Don’t frown dear,
    “It won’t slow us down dear,
    “Ladies all look the same without light.”

  4. Jim chewed on a dirty bandana,
    And contracted Endolimax nana,
    It caused him colitis,
    And rheumatoid arthritis,
    And cost him his sweetheart, Rhianna.

    For info re E. nana and rheumatioid arthritis, see: http://tinyurl.com/yhnxlrx paragraph 6

  5. Trish

    I’ll list of a bunch of conditions
    And such will fulfill my ambitions
    abnormal lordosis
    amd osteoporosis
    Preclude me from acts of contrition(s)

  6. Trish

    Amoeboids are a little one-dimensional
    And so rogering is usually consensual
    But the rules have gone Wilde
    And coveting the child
    Said the bishop was quite unintentional

  7. Lisa D.

    From Mad-Men I dig John Slattery.
    His insults come out like flattery.
    Full of ciggies and whisky,
    He still makes me frisky
    With a wit that is cunning and chattery.

  8. Lisa D.

    That brazen, bald buck Wallace Shawn,
    Who has conquered Pixar and beyond.
    His line so believable,
    He says “incontheiveable,”
    And showcases Sicilian brawn.

  9. Lisa D.

    As you can see, I liked the “That Guy” angle…

    While admiring J.K. Simmons,
    Whose expression reminds us of lemons,
    As a mean prison Nazi
    Or Juno’s dad, you’ll see
    A skull that will start conversations.

  10. Lisa D.

    Ciaran Hinds has my Irish heart booming,
    Playing Bronte’s and Austin’s best groomsmen.
    His Caesar was charming,
    His Russians disarming,
    Ms. Pettigrew’s boyfriend, so soothing.

  11. Lisa D.

    Giovanni Ribisi’s a star!
    It’s true he has come very far.
    He’s been at it for years,
    Playing mob guys and queers
    And that prick from the flick Avatar.

  12. A contract does both parties bind,
    And the newlyweds kept this in mind,
    She was tied to the bed,
    With ribbons of red,
    Then came his turn; what rapture they’d find!

  13. Angus McPresley

    Wallace Shawn thought his wife unbelievable
    When she said that a cure was achievable
    The growth on his humerus
    Was looking quite tumorous
    But laetril pills? Inconthievable!

  14. The young councilman from Errew,
    Wanted all the young colleens to screw,
    He was kind of a fop,
    ‘Tween the ladies he’d hop,
    And they swooned when he sang “Too Ra Loo…”

  15. Angus McPresley

    You left me on Valentine’s day
    And now my life’s in disarray
    My trepan is dull
    But a hole in my skull
    Makes the one in my heart go away

  16. MN

    Would you look who it is, yes it’s me
    Was Eirelifted in just for to see
    If you really are glad
    If I stir things a tad
    Like that guy, you know him, from Glee

  17. MN

    Don’t you know that I’m glad to help out?
    Trish, why didn’t you give me a shout?
    They’re looking for Irish!!!!!!
    That’s just our style Trish!!!!!
    Sure we know stuff not known by the Kraut

  18. MN

    And Mig told me I can’t say the word,
    Which I really find rather absurd.
    If the letters appear,
    Does that not steer clear
    Of my velo, my elov, my bird?

  19. MN

    They fell in you know what on first sight,
    and made it ahem that same night.
    or was it just lust
    when he saw her bust?
    No, I’m sure twas the other alright.

  20. MN

    There once were two clever Amoebae
    who both sold sea products on ebay
    through fresh water sources
    they soon joined up forces
    and now they are having a baebae

  21. MN

    Though I’ve told him poor show on the cloning
    The amoeba keeps on phoning and phoning
    I showed him the door
    He slid on the floor
    And now there are talks of postponing

  22. MN

    Oh I see you’ve deleted amoebae
    Replaced by the playwright O’Casey
    Or Wilde and/or Joyce
    There’s plenty of choice
    They’re the best at the end of the day

  23. MN

    James Cromwell once lived on our street.
    I swear it and once we did meet.
    “You always play dad”,
    Seemed to get him quite mad.
    After that we talked with our feet.

  24. MN

    An Irish politician called O’Bama
    Created a bit of a drama
    He looked up his folks
    In Ballygobroke
    And in fact they’re from Toomevara

  25. MN

    Elizabeth Bowen’s a favourite of mine
    Charles Ritchie her lover divine
    I added an R
    I asked my lawyer
    Can’t disqualify but maybe fine

  26. MN

    Trish come on now you have to come in
    This time I would like you to win
    The smell of the dwarf
    Nearly made me barf
    But it’s a book this time, re a fin

  27. MN

    Mary Sunshine I know keeps an eye
    On proceedings and books by the by
    Her reading’s prolific
    I thinks she’s terrific
    The prize illustrations belie

  28. MN

    Come on trish, come on, have a say
    You have to come on, no delay
    I bought those nice books
    But then I mistook
    And gave three of my four books away

  29. MN

    Ok I rang and Trish is asleep
    She really was run off her feet
    She’s now a QC
    Between you and me
    And it looks like we’re in for defeat

  30. MN

    Well the news in Ireland’s not good
    George Lee has abandoned the hood
    Nine month’s in the Dail
    To him was feck all
    He’d get his job back if he could

  31. MN

    There once was a playwright called Shaw
    Who wasn’t quite sure of the law
    He got a Nobel
    And I heard someone tell
    That Oscar displayed shock and awe

  32. MN

    I will deal with apocrypha next
    Though I don’t understand the context
    It doesn’t occur
    Yet it causes a stir
    Like the banned word that makes you have sex

  33. MN

    In gaelic “bhuel” means well, just well.
    But if you spelled backwards this bhuel
    You’d get the forbidden
    The one banned word hidden
    Leubh Gamma and she couldn’t tell

  34. MN

    While I’m here, very sad on my own
    I think I’ll get back on the phone
    We’ll have to rouse Ian
    A Limerick machine
    He has my snow white out on loan

  35. MN

    They say Wilde was well-known as a wit
    Or so it is said and is writ
    But he went to jail
    And in this he must fail
    For in absens haeres non erit

  36. MN

    Did you know that Stalin was Irish
    Apocryphal stories from my Trish
    Tell of the when and the how
    He beat Chairman Mao
    In chess in Cowan’s pad which was stylish

  37. MN

    SOS apostrophe catastrophe
    The one re George Lee I have fluffed
    Nine months in the Dail
    Needs no quote at all
    If you’re picky like that go get stuffed

  38. MN

    The theme must be about you know what,
    And for the most part, well mine, they are not
    I can punctuate though
    And know Danny Trejo
    And my valentine’s Flann O’Brien’s moth

  39. MN

    I have feelings for this fellow Joyce
    His mother thinks I am quite noice
    if I stick like a limpet
    And if I don’t wimp it
    He may one day make me his woife

  40. MN

    A lesser known playwright called Friel
    Said you’re as young as the woman you feel
    He would not use that word
    Thought it somewhat absurd
    Told his characters just to get real

  41. MN

    There once were some limericks from MN
    Who kept on and on though she shouldn’t
    She wanted a book
    By hook or by crook
    But was disqualified as she was foreign

  42. MN

    There is someone out there I adore
    And when I get some, I want more
    Till debt do us part
    Well, debt and the farts
    In Irish the word is a stÓr

  43. tc

    My dear MN has fallen asleep
    I just saw her counting some sheep
    In Brian Cowen’s county
    A fish book’s a bounty
    I adore her, and she is for keeps

  44. Trish

    I awoke and found it complete
    Like so often, when offered a treat
    A late entry allowed?
    Although well endowed
    The contest will bid me defeat

  45. Trish

    In limerick and contest, I regret
    I was not there at MN’s behest
    like the West I’m Awake now
    Like the opposite of hate though
    NAMA dat quod non habet

  46. Pingback: Metamorphosism» Blog Archive » Winners of the 2010 metamorphosism.com St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest

  47. thomas@quinas.com

    Oh the Ladies of Eire are fiery
    I must pencil them into my diary
    Though a rub of my relic
    For the ladies, angelic
    Will reward them for excellent lawery