We here at metamorphosism.com have the distinct pleasure to announce the opening of this year’s St. Valentine’s Day Limerick contest. This could possibly be the contest’s 14th year, if you can believe that.
Time flies.
You may be wondering whether there is a prize this year. So far, no. But that could change. Yes, of course there is a prize. The winner will receive a copy of The Bug, a comic book starring Mig Living’s much-loved orthographically-challenged insectoid, tEh Bgu.
Before entering the contest, please read the following rules. As last year, to encourage you to read the rules, instructions on how to enter the contest are hidden within the rules. Contestants please note slight rule changes below, in the bonus theme section.
- No fighting.
- The three most important things: Scansion, scansion, scansion.
- Enter as often as you like. The more often you enter, the better your chances of winning. But read the other rules first.
- Violation of any of the following rules may hurt your chances, so please read them carefully.
- Also please note that any of the following rules are subject to change without notice, at the whim of the contest organizers and judge(s). This is a feature, not a bug. By entering you accept this fact, and all of the rules, and even proactively accept future rules the current rules may change to at any time.
- Entries must be limericks. (This rule never changes, promise.)
- Entries should be artful and delight the reader’s artistic sensibilities.
- Being limericks, entries may of course be humorous, bawdy, shocking, obscene, etc., but this is not required. All that is required is that the entry be a limerick (A-A-B-B-A rhyme scheme, etc, look it up). The wikipedia article on limericks, for example, is here.
- Points are subtracted for violation of any of these rules.
- Points are also subtracted arbitrarily in accordance with the application of the algorithm of unfairness.
- Bonus points are awarded for incorporation of one or more bonus themes, listed below.
- Bonus themes: failed utopias, gender issues, historical political movements, non-Western musical instruments,
dipsomania,food poisoning (especially the bacteria that cause it), capitalism, Ayn Rand, sex dolls,historical articles of clothing,parasites that influence the behavior of the host, especially (but not only) in humans,the history of the tuxedo,B-movie tropes,television detective dramas,supernatural despair especially as portrayed in the fiction of Robert W. Chambers,the various proteins on the surface of the influenza virus, historic epidemics, the economics of monopolies. - Bonus themes are subject to change during the contest, possibly rendering entries previously eligible for bonus points suddenly ineligible.
- *NEW*: HARDSHIP POINTS Extra hardship points will be awarded to limericks written without the letter “E”.
- But don’t worry, it’s all good.
- Entries should be submitted in the comments to this post.
- Deadline is 14 February, winners will be announced 14 February.
- Judging and other procedures in the conduct of this contest pretend to be crooked, but they are actually pretty fair, but there is never any guarantee this will be the case this time. Just assume the contest is crooked and unfair and you won’t be disappointed.
- Complaints will be deleted.
- There is no right to, nor avenue of, appeal.
- You may enter as often as you like. So check back often to read all the new entries and see if the rules have changed, or the bonus themes.
- By entering the contest, you grant metamorphosism.com permission to publish your entry (here in the comments where you enter it, and possibly on facebook or twitter, to publicize the contest) but you retain all rights to your entries.
- Feel free to email me at metamorphosist@gmail.com if you have any questions or find one particular limerick especially great or whatever.
- Please have fun.
- Last, but not least: my deep thanks to my talented friend Bran Fox for designing the logo for this year’s contest, as in so many years past.
There once was a wild man named Rourke
Who decided ‘gainst life in New York
Off to Europe he went,
Where, with most passion spent,
He became quite a pillar of Dor’c.*
*In the first year of law school, nearly forty years ago (!), I found myself to be infected by a limerick bug. I wrote three or four a day, all of them topical and therefore forgettable — just like this one, only moreso.
Never before have I leaned so heavily upon O Apostrophe!
There once was a young bard Pasquale
Who adored the romantic Wall-E,
A fun scene with a spork,
A hot babe to pork,
Then no sex made him melancholy!
Love of money should never be banned
Cried a bodice accoutred Ayn Rand
From inflatable friends
To apocalypse ends
Kojak loves you when Saint Val’s at hand
There once was a young woman from Irvine
Who had never received a Valentine
Till she wore a short skirt
And she began to flirt
Then she received one million ninety nine
The king of detectives was bugged, ’cause
The can in his office was plugged.
The accused who’s named Atlas,
Then feigning all hapless,
Just looked at P. Mason and shrugged.
There once was a young coed from Moorhead
Who was fond of giving the boy’s some head
Till she tried to lick
A great big large dick
And then the poor woman choked to death
(Dedicated to the very dedicated coeds of Minnesota State Moorhead College)
Detective Monk belived in socialism
Ayan Rand subscribed to strict capitalism
So when he asked her to fuck
She said, “I want twenty bucks”
“And for twenty more I’ll swallow your jism”
There once was a detective named Daphne
Who was feeling quite horny and randy
So she asked young Fred
To take her to bed
And he said, “I rather sleep with Shaggy”
There once was a detective named Thelma
Who was in somewhat of a dilemma
She was a smart lesbian
The likes of Ayan Rand
But Daphne was strictly into fellas
The once was a girl from Superior
Whose vagina was quiet inferior
So she would turn round
And asked to be pound
In the back of her posterior
Ayn Rand had a blow-up doll’s torso
Like Jessica Rabbit, but more so
Kings in yellow tuxedos
And bankers in speedos
Paid thousand of bucks for her floor show
There once was a young man from Rangoon
Who was known to finish way too soon
So his girl tied a sting
Around his ding-a-ling
And now he can go on till past noon
The American sate, Illinois
Rhymes with corduroy, toy-boy and joy
Not Superman’s Lois
Or Streetcar’s Dubois
Which makes limericks really annoy
ing
There once was a lesbian from Lisbon
Who didn’t care too much for capitalism
Till Charlie’s Angels
Screwed her on a table
And now she’s a wealthy Republican
Said Wynand to Roark, “The crux
Of dressing for dinner’s the tux.
For while Potter may think
He’s at royalty’s brink,
It’s the Mrs. that H.R.H. fux.”
Her gown was all ribboned and tassled,
But Beckett was feeling quite hassled.
A cop by the book,
She needed her rook,
But instead she went out and got Castled.
There once was a sick pervert named Andy
Who liked to steal and sniff women’s panties
But when he took a whiff
Of Grandma’s old shift
He got arrested by Cagney and Lacy
There once was a detective named Mannix
Who went into a desperate panic
Because his snub nose
Went off in his hose
And turned the poor guy into a eunuch
There once was a virgin from Mexico
Who said that she had no need for a beau
Until she got plowed
By Marshall McLeod
And now she is an insatiable hoe
There once was a full back Green Bay Packer
Who seduced a Viking’s cheerleader
But he fumbled her boobs
The NFL did sued
Claiming he was trying to deflate her
There once was a girl from River Falls
Who liked to cut off all the boy’s balls
Until Nancy Drew
Unraveled the clues
And put the girl behind prison walls
(Dedicated to my alma mater, The University of Wisconsin, River Falls)
There once was a sailor named Guido
Who suffered excessive libido
So his girl told the gob
You’re really a slob
Now he wears an Armani tuxedo
There was a flasher from Honolulu
Who made all the Waikiki girls scream “Ewh!”
Till Hawaii Five O
Said, “book em Danno”
And now he’s behind bars at the zoo
There once was an athlete named Bruce Jenner
Who was once an Olympic contender
Till the day he got fixed
Had his balls eighty six’d
And now Jenner is a cute transgender
On the city bus I whittled my fiddle
In hope that it would make a lady giggle
But laugh she did not
For she was a cop
And she Tazed my fiddle till it shriveled
There once was a girl named Violet
Who thought she looked good in a corset
But when she had lunch
She ate way too much
And she exploded out of her garment
My dear husband Steve went fishing in Belize
Where he caught something special to give to me
A shit load of crabs
Crawling off his ass
And a sexually transmitted disease
A crazy young African gnu
Pranks officials at Washington Zoo.
Finding it dandy
To grab tourists’ candy,
It drops M&Ms in its poo.
(Certified E-free)
A dying old woman in Gary
Put clothing in big bins to bury,
Claiming “I say to you
That my stuff can go too
And I don’t want my ballgowns to tarry.”
(And E was there nary)
St. Valentine’s Day’s coming soon.
It’s a choc’late and rose-sellers’ boon.
Will your loved one come through
And make festive ado?
Or just buy you a five-buck balloon?
There once was a farmer from East Texas
Who thought he’d fool around on the Mrs.
But in the hay mow
While screwing a sow
His wife jabbed a pitch fork in his ass
(This actually happened and I posted a photo of the result on my photo bucket of it. Cut and paste the link and it should take you right to it. Warning; it’s offensive in a PG13 sort of way.
http://s1317.photobucket.com/user/curlycue23/media/10959428_1068844386474879_3501854087828656817_n_zpsabcf2a39.jpg.html
Price-fixing cartels aren’t allowed
Two’s company, three is a crowd
But oilmen and bankers
Are greedy old wankers
And of their misdeeds they seem proud
The prevalence of epistasis
On a protein meniscus leaves traces
A small surface deposit
Of which doctors posit
Could cure the Black Plague in some places
Bravo, perry iles!
E coli happens, it’s said
If you’re careless with things that are dead
If you’ve drunk yourself stupid
Whilst welcoming cupid
Try not to E coli the bed.
E coli and c difficile
Will hurt your intestines for real
And some drunken sot
Will say they forgot
To wash hands when preparing a meal
There was a young lady called Sophie
Who most thought of as being a bit dozy
But behind her facade
Things were not cold and hard
Instead they were very wet warm and rosy
There was a young lady called Sophie
Who most thought of as being a bit dopy
But behind her facade
Things were not cold and hard
Instead they were very wet and rosy.
Minor correction.
It evolves, simplified.
There was a young lady called Sophie
Who most thought of as being a bit dopy
But behind her facade
She was not cold and hard
Instead was very wet and rosy.
Not sure now which makes most nonsense.
Final edit, you need an edit post option on this site.
There was a young lady called Sophie
Who most thought of as being a bit dopy
But behind her facade
She was not cold and hard
Instead she was very wet and rosy.
There was this Chinook lad who was quite skookum,
Who took girls out and forcibly duke’em.
But one Valentine’s Day
His date had had the final say ~
She tied his balls to a grenade and nuked’em.
There was a fanatic named Gideon
Whose erections were fierce and quotidian.
He decided to titrate
Potassium nitrate,
Then joined up to be Branch Davidian.
I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed this little competition. It was enjoyable to see their are other devious minds out there besides mine. Thanks to metamorphosis for sponsoring it.
“Wouldn’t it be cool this group got together for a few drinks?”
AND THE WINNERS ARE:
Thank you to all the entrants. Your creative responses to the rule changes, bonus themes and even hardship point requirements were inspiring.ü++++++++++++++++++++++ (sorry, kitten on keyboard)
After consultation with the judges, we have the following winners:äööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö (sorry kitten again)
patmac
KayO
Perry Iles
Madeline Begun Kane
Winners please PM me on facebook or mail me at metamorphosist (at) gmail (dot) com to arrange shipment of your prizes.
Thanks again to everyone – Bran for her design work and extensive other help; to the judges for their dedicated work,and especially to all entrants. Happy Valentine’s Day!
Bran for her design work and extensive other help
I’m not sure what help that was, but I’ll take your gratitude. You’re welcome.
Congratulations, winners.
Kimmy Alan for Miss Congeniality 2015!