2016 St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest


This year’s contest is finished!
Thanks to everyone who entered.
Here are the winners (I was going to leave them in the comments, but they’re not working for me. Are they broken for you too? Did anyone try to enter and find it impossible? Dang.)

Third place: Tomas Green
Second place: Tim Rebstock
First place: KayO

Congratulations, everyone and thanks for entering!!

Welcome to the 2016 edition of the International Limerick Contest.
Please leave your entries in the comments to this post.
Enter as often as you like.
All participants, new and seasoned veterans, are encouraged to consult the combined FAQ/rules below BECAUSE THEY CHANGE WHILE THE CONTEST IS GOING ON.
No one knows why.

  1. Does it have to be a limerick? YES. The judges are very strict. Google proper limerick form if you are not sure.
  2. How do I enter? POST YOUR ENTRY OR ENTRIES in the comments to this post. Click on comment, or whatever is down there, and add a new comment.
  3. When is the deadline? THE DEADLINE is 14 February 2016
  4. Do you mean 12 midnight on the night of the 13th or midnight on the night of the 14th? And which time zone shall have seisin of jurisdiction? We have had considerably confusion in the past! NINE AM (CENTRAL EUROPEAN TIME) 14 February.
  5. Oh by the way, I have a Quince tree on Cranes Lane. I think I should get a multiplier for that fact. OK, BY ALL MEANS. Secret multiplier in place.
  6. Is there a prize? NOT YET but that might change. I have 5kg of quince in my kitchen and hope to make some marmalade and some preserves tonite. UPDATE: I have tried the quince marmalade and it tastes okay so a winner could have a jar of that I guess, but only within Europe because shipping. Not sure about the quince/whisky preserves, haven’t tried that yet so no promises.
  7. Is there a limit to how often I can enter? NO. Enter as often as you like. The more often you enter, the better your chances.
  9. Can entries be bawdy? YES, absolutely. These are limericks, they can be bawdy, gross, you name it. It’s not required, but it is in the nature of the genre. ALSO: this is for St. Valentine’s Day so points awarded for love/romance/sex-related poetry.
  10. Complaints will be deleted. There is no avenue of appeal. Decisions of the judges are final. Be nice, and have fun, and don’t take this too seriously.
  11. Let’s see, what else? Oh yes.
  12. Bonus points are awarded for inclusion of themes listed below (No limit to how many themes you may include, the more the better):
  13. Limericks written in the voice/evocative of one or more of the following: Sarah Palin, William Gibson, David Foster Wallace, James Joyce, Ray Bradbury, Joyce Carol Oates, Philip K. Dick, Haruki Murakami, Jorge Luis Borges or George R.R. Martin
  14. Lesser-known philosophers
  15. Discredited or unpopular self-help ideas
  16. Invasive species
  17. Alternatives to neo-liberal capitalism
  18. Uncommon fetishes or obsessions
  19. Authors and/or artists with two first initials, such as H.P. Lovecraft and e.e. cummings
  20. Construction cranes
  21. Quince recipes, or other things one can do with quinces, or quince in general.
  22. NEW ADDITION—>Malheur National Forest, Malheur Wildlife Refuge, etc, including but not limited to recent events in them parts, although that might be low-hanging fruit.
  23. “The Revenant” references disguised such that they are not spoilers.
  24. By entering you grant permission to publish your entry electronically on, in social media (including but not limited to, and anything else) as well as in book form, although the latter is REALLY unlikely, without compensation (this is a non-profit venture, and any possible, although unlikely, book would be, you know, for charity most likely).

Now, get cracking.

13 responses to “ 2016 St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest

  1. Tomas Green

    A twat occupying Malheur
    desired to make himself purr
    so he shoved up a quince
    which thrice made him wince
    and ejaculate loudly “Oo-er!”

    Points please! ;-)

  2. Jessica

    Are entries as plain text cool, or are we to submit small jpgs of sweethearts preprinted & arranged so? There are unlikely to be twats in this year’s US versions, but the win lie challenges, oui? Or am I merely dating myself by recalling this original rule?z(?)

  3. mig

    plain text comments are fine, jessica!

  4. There once was a lass with eyes of blue –
    Word spread of her dazzling hue!
    At times she was taken,
    True love was forsaken,
    Wiser now, she seeks a serious woo.

  5. The linguistics experts on Terra
    Saw syntax evolve with the era.
    But no one foresaw
    The peculiar patois
    Of Alaska’s ex-governor Sarah.

    … I know, obvious target

  6. Oh crap, it was supposed to be in her VOICE. Lemme check out the Erowid.

  7. The gardener said, “Things could get nasty:
    That quince tree must have actirasty.
    I’ve ingested fruit
    Till the pain is acute;
    My colon is ready for basti.”

  8. “How beautiful!” Dedalus cried,
    A copious whiskey beside.
    But as energy waned,
    Indifference reigned,
    And his gaze only served to deride.

    ~ after James Joyce

  9. The social democracy vision –
    Transnational world coalition —
    Would be a poor trend
    If the ultimate end
    Were the “No One Expects” Inquisition.

  10. Tim Rebstock

    As the polar ice caps recede
    Even Sarah Palin will concede
    fauna and flora
    Invade the tundra
    We should all try a tasty weed

  11. Tim Rebstock

    I once ate an unripe quince
    So tart it made me wince
    Hurled it at Ted Cruz
    And left a significant bruise
    I’ve been in prison ever since

  12. Tim Rebstock

    Said Heidegger with a shrug
    of Kafka’s change to a bug
    I don’t really care
    if being there
    means crawling around on the rug

  13. Haruki once thought it ideal
    For life to be slightly unreal.
    But he had to emerge
    And respond to the urge
    Of fixing one more simple meal.

    (I counted 58 “simple meals” in 1Q84.)