Luwak epiphany

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Photo by Bruce

I was at the doctor yesterday and she asked me how I was mood-wise cause a medication she prescribed can cause suicidal depression. I had totally forgotten. I thought it was the fog and general greyishness. Overall not so bad, though, I said. Actually, really great, I think now. My kids ate dinner with me and it was fun talking to them. The cats were freaky when I got home because my wife is away on a business trip and they were alone all day. This morning I was carrying one around and she stuck her tail into my coffee and I had to decide whether to make a new cup or just drink it. Making a fresh cup would have taken 30 seconds and I didn’t want to wait that long so I just pretended it was Luwak coffee. Then that, in combination with everything else, triggered an epiphany, which I sort of described in a post at medium.com.

Writing blog posts is a lot of fun. Sometimes I am really happy with what I end up with, despite or because of the randomness and accidentiality of them. I am trying to write a novel right now, yet again, and am trying to figure out how to translate blog-type writing into a novel.

A whole bunch of short chapters, I guess.

 

I looked in the window and saw you

Odin feels so bad! He hasn’t fed the crows lately. Either he’s busy, away or fasting and doesn’t go out at lunch. But today he goes out. It’s a spectacular, cold, sunny fall day. He buys a curry chicken sandwich and some peanuts and a bottle of water at the store on the corner.

He sits on the bench and eats half the sandwich. Then he eats most of the other half, but the crows don’t arrive. Perhaps they have given up on him, or migrated. He looks up at the sky, and sees a lot of crows flying here and there. He can hear other ones in the distance.

He throws away his garbage and walks back to the office. He holds on to what remains of the second half of the sandwich in case the crows show up, and one does before he has walked very far.

Here you go pal, says Odin, and throws him the food.

What say the slain?

I looked in the window and saw you eating dinner with your daughter. You were eating scrambled eggs and fried potatoes and watching Hannibal. At one point your daughter choked a little when a piece of jalapeno teetered on the edge of her windpipe. At another point she made a remark about how the two of you end up doing things like this, like watching Hannibal at dinner, or going to see The Evil Dead on Father’s Day.

You both smiled a lot, and laughed, even though both of you are fighting autumn depression. You like each other. You have two episodes of Hannibal left. You will watch them tonight. I looked through the window and saw that.

Important news

Photo by jumpingspider on flickr.com

Photo by jumpingspider at flickr (www.flickr.com/photos/jumpingspider)

Fans of the design work of Bran Fox are in for a treat this week. Obscure blogger and cartoonist Mig Living has published a book collecting all the The Bug cartoons he could find, and his blog, metamorphosism.com, has been redesigned. Bran was the driving force behind both projects. Not only did she make both projects coherent and pretty, she also wielded a mighty sword hacking through Kafkaesque thickets of technical difficulties and Mr. Living’s neurotic dithering as she did.

Or something like that. Anyway, if you think the new blog design looks pretty, it’s all because of Bran. Go ahead and click on all the links and have a look around.

The book, with the title The Bug, was published at lulu.com. The Bug has a special page on this blog here, and the Lulu page, where you can view a preview of the entire book, as well as BUY IT, is here.

As these sort of projects often are, these were learning experiences. Because everyone loves listicles, here are

Several things I learned self-publishing:

  1. Most important thing first: always allow way more time than you think you will need. I wanted to have the book ready by October, and it nearly was, except for a pesky white stripe down the right edge of the cover. It took us three tries to get that right. Then I found out it would take 6-8 weeks for the book to show up on amazon, which pushes that particular distribution channel into next year. I have ordered copies from Lulu, they are fast (under a week in the US, two weeks to Europe) and quality is great. The only concern I have is that postage for European customers will be cheaper when they are able to order from the UK or Germany or France, etc, although postage for multiple copies is not that bad from Lulu, and you’re all going to order multiple copies, right?
  2. Make sure you get a patient and talented designer. You need someone who does nice work, like the classy Hokusai-inspired cover, and who can also put up with neurotic dithering.
  3. Choose a Kafka-inspired theme, because then when it takes you three versions and three weeks to eliminate a mysterious white stripe, and you rush to finish by your deadline only to discover an unmentioned step in the procedure will cost you 8 more weeks, and you are simultaneously spending a month trying to install Office  on your kid’s new laptop which uses Windows “Whack-A-Mole” 8, the overall situation will feel appropriate to the theme.
  4. You will be thrilled when you get your new book in the mail, because it looks just like a real book.
  5. Your family will also be thrilled, and proud of you for making such a neat book and Bran will be their new heroine for enabling you to do this.
  6. Is that enough listicle points?

I will write more about this eventually, but I just wanted to post this and say, me so happy.

 

French Wondertoast.

How does your dad get the pancakes so fluffy, he asked his girlfriend.
You should taste his french wondertoast, she said, if you think his pancakes are good.
What is french wondertoast, he asked.
What it says on the label, she said: french, wonder, toast.
Yeah, but, he said.
She whispered in his ear: but choose wisely — it grants you the power of flight. But it’s a secret.
After that, he wouldn’t shut up about french wondertoast.
Her dad said he would make some for breakfast if he pruned the plum tree.
The plum tree was getting real bushy and pressing up against the neighbor’s house and was too tall to pick all the plums in summer and storms blew it up against the house in winter.
So if he pruned it back he could have french wondertoast.
But if I ate the french wondertoast before pruning the tree, I wouldn’t need a ladder would I? he said.
You told him about french wondertoast, her dad said to her. It was supposed to be secret.
The girl shook her head sadly because she knew what was coming: her dad would stick him in the tower with the others who couldn’t shut up about french wondertoast.
And the plum tree grew and grew.

Johnny “Slingshot” Guitar

It all comes down to parasites.
Said the old man.
I’m Johnny “Slingshot” Guitar and it all comes down to parasites.
They were in the Greyhound station in Omaha. The kid was 17 and full of wonder.
Microparasites, now, best you can do is wear a rubber and wash your hands.
Macroparasites, though, you gotta choice: they can pick you or you can pick them.
Democracy is the only system lets you choose.
Everything else is horseshit.
Everything else is parasites talking.
In the restroom the kid heard a scrabbling like a large squirrel climbing up a hot water heater and a guy stuck his head over the wall to the adjacent booth.
The kid shook his head and the head vanished again.
Now you remember what Johnny “Slingshot” Guitar told you.
Watch out for the horseshit.
It ain’t hard. Rule of thumb: if you didn’t figure it out, chances are it’s horseshit.

The Inquisitor

Down, down, down.
Down they went, down the narrow spiral starecase, spelled that way because it was hewn from living eyes staring at them as they went, two guards in front, then the prisoner, then a bunch more guards in back since if a prisoner gets away and tries to escape they generally head back the way they came cause what could be down a freaky starecase? You don’t want to know.
The sounds of the city faded quickly and were replaced by water dripping, distant screams, whips cracking, like that.
Sort of like the beginning of a guided meditation, only way scarier.
The prisoner didn’t remember much after that. They tied him up and started torturing him, that much he knew, but after that things grew fuzzy cause he did what any intelligent person would do, he passed out immediately. One twist of a thumbscrew and that was it, over and out.
He regained consciousness. Someone had tossed a bucket of water in his face. He heard the sounds of boots on the stone floor, hewn from the living rock.
“He’s one tough customer, I’ll grant him that, your Lordship,” said a guard to the boots.
The prisoner spat water, pfff!
The prisoner’s name was Mark.
“No information at all?” said the boots.
The guard shook his head. “Nothing. Thumbscrews, rack, Iron Maiden. Quiet as a judge.”
“Which Iron Maiden?”
“2 Minutes to Midnight.”
“We’ll have to up the ante,” said the boots.
It was easy for Mark not to reveal anything. He was passed out and didn’t have a clue what they wanted anyway, or he would have told them, but they weren’t interested in his explanations.
“The Inquisitor will loosen his tongue,” said the boots, who then left the room amidst the chuckles of the guards (evil chuckles).
Mark didn’t have long to wait and worry about what the fellow had meant. The Inquisitor must have been waiting right outside the door, cause there he was, quiet on his feet, cheerful. A small man, but wearing black. Black boots, black cape, black hood.
“Okay let’s get started,” said the Inquisitor.
“Okay,” said Mark.
“Get-rich-quick ideas. Those have driven stronger men mad than you. Think up three get-rich-quick ideas. Now. On the spot.” He waved a red-hot poker in Mark’s face.
“Artisinal honey, e-books that you actually buy, mobile phones that protect your privacy, manly baby equipment bags for fathers, reasonably-priced wet plate cameras, software that comes on a DVD and installs itself and doesn’t require a month of back-and-forth with customer service to register.”
“He’s good,” said a guard.
“Silence!” said the Inquisitor, who was losing his temper, because normally thinking up three get-rich-quick ideas on the spot like that drove prisoners mad.
“NANOWRIMO is coming up,” said the Inquisitor. “Give me a plot that won’t make you sick after a month. Right now.”
“I, uh,” stammered Mark.
“Now we’re cooking with fire,” said the Inquisitor to a guard. “See? Everyone has a weakness.”
“What sort of book?” said Mark.
“Any sort,” said the Inquisitor, because what was harder than coming up with an idea when you had total freedom?
“That’s a tough one,” admitted Mark. “Do you ever wonder, when things are slow, down, down here, what book the world really needs?”
“What?” said the Inquisitor.
“I mean, life is finite. We can only read so much, all of us. Different people need different books, naturally, but for you, from your point of view, what is the book that is lacking when you go into a bookstore and leave unfulfilled, even if you leave with an armload of Staff Picks?”
“You mean, like, genre?”
“I mean everything. The exact book. I can see mine. Hardbound, ornate cover, of medium size and thickness. Containing all I need. A book smarter than me so I feel uplifted, yet not so clever as to be irritating. Frightening and reassuring in turns, a book that purifies both by example and by fire, so to speak, annealing the reader, and which leaves one back in love with language, thought, perception and humanity. You know what I mean?”
“No, actually,” said the Inquisitor, but he was starting to wonder, although he hadn’t read many books lately. He was so busy! But he had read a lot as a kid.
“Maybe someone can fly,” said the Inquisitor. “Maybe. But it seems realistic.”
“A book like a secret life. A book that reconciles us with our secret lives, the secret lives we all lead but cannot express or share, as much as we may try. A book that rewards us for them!” said Mark.
“Perhaps with dragons,” said the Inquisitor. “Or at least dragon eggs. Or even dinosaur eggs.”
The Inquisitor stared at Mark. Mark looked at him. The guards watched the two of them. The eyes of the starecase beheld the whole group.
“Perhaps with a whale. Perhaps a library or a linguist. Perhaps crows cawing in the fog in a forest the color of autumn. Perhaps a man hiding in a fisherman’s hut on the bank of a river, under a large willow. Perhaps a couple kneeling at the edge of a deep hole in the woods, freshly dug, with another man standing behind them with a Saturday Night Special in a gloved hand. Perhaps a child. Perhaps someone standing in a field in winter, watching their breath and the long grass, turned white with ice crystals in the night.”
“Perhaps,” said the Inquisitor.

Relationship tips from Erwin Schrödinger


Dear Erwin,
My wife says I must clean up the hedgehog poo from behind the storage shelves in the cellar because the plumber is coming and will be appalled if he looks and sees it. I say if the plumber moves aside the heavily-loaded shelves to check if there is hedgehog poo underneath then he is a PSYCHO FREAK whose opinion is of no consequence and that we should wait until we are moving the shelves anyway and chisel away the excrement then. Who is right?
Yrs, SLEEPLESS IN AUSTRIA

Dear Sleepless,
You were BOTH right until you asked. For a fastidious Austrian woman, it is correct to unload the shelves, move them aside, and chisel away the hardened coprolites, no matter whether she is the one who has to do it, or someone else gets told to. For a lazy American male who has seen too much hedgehog poo for one lifetime, it is correct to wait until the shelves are moved for another reason especially when they hide the poo and it doesn’t stink anyhow. Until the situation is examined, your mutual rightness coexisted in a non-determinate manner.
But then you asked, so I will tell you: your wife is right.
Yrs, Erwin Schrödinger