Time and space have grown elastic.
Words have no meaning.
The free market isn’t the perfect solution we were always told.
The matrix just can’t be arsed anymore to chase down all those glitches.
But there is one immutable perennial constant that never changes:
Welcome to the 2022 metamorphosism.com International St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest.
Read all the rules before entering.
Like always, please leave your entries in the comments to this post.
Enter as often as you like.
This year’s themes:
(Also check further down the rules for newer and/or more specific prompts/themes)
Cults, religious and otherwise
Your favorite parasite
plus bonus themes to be added as the contest progresses
All participants are required to consult the combined FAQ/rules below BECAUSE THEY CHANGE WHILE THE CONTEST IS GOING ON.
Like every year.
- Does it have to be a limerick? YES. This is strictly enforced, and non-limericks will not be accepted. Google correct limerick form if you are not sure.
- How do I enter? POST YOUR ENTRY OR ENTRIES in the comments to this post. Click on comment, or whatever is down there, and add a new comment.
- When is the deadline? THE DEADLINE is 14 February 2022
- Do you mean 12 midnight on the night of the 13th or midnight on the night of the 14th? And which time zone shall have seisin of jurisdiction? We have had considerably confusion in the past! NINE AM (CENTRAL EUROPEAN TIME) 14 February 2022.
- Is there a prize? Maybe. I have been making a lot of marmalade, maybe I could send you a jar subject to transport costs, customs regulations etc.
- Is there a limit to how often I can enter? NO. You are encouraged to fall into a limerick frenzy and enter as often as you like. The more often you enter, the better your chances.
- HOWEVER ONLY ORIGINAL ENTRIES ARE ACCEPTED. PLAGIARISM RESULTS IN DISQUALIFICATION. No exceptions.
- Can entries be bawdy? YES, absolutely. These are limericks, they can be bawdy, gross, you name it. It’s not required, but it is in the nature of the genre. ALSO: this is for St. Valentine’s Day so points awarded for love/romance/sex-related poetry. However, entries offensive to the contest operator will be deleted at his discretion, for offenses including but not limited to racism, and misogyny, and politics to which I object.
- Complaints and other negative trolling will be deleted. There is no avenue of appeal. Decisions of the judges are final. Be nice, and have fun, and don’t take this too seriously.
- Is there anything else I can do to be deleted? Yes. Besides complaints, anything else that is not a limerick will also be deleted, especially anything remotely similar to trolling, nastiness or disagreeing with me. That will get you deleted, and whatever else our technicians here can think up. This is meant to be a fun and light-hearted.
Let’s see, what else? Oh yes.
- Bonus points are awarded for any of the following (No limit to how many themes you may include, the more the better):
Feel free to write me and suggest some!
Alternate solutions to J3ff Bezos’ yacht/bridge problem
Your favorite carbonara recipe
Something involving alcohol
Your favorite high-end booze
Legal systems (historical and present-day)
Dr. Kellogg’s anti-masturbation cure
Historical cures for idiocy
The worst thing your cat ever did
1970’s porn movie plots
1970’s porn movie plots involving insects
Obscure scientific theories
Something that gives you joy
Check back often, more will be added (and others eliminated) as the month progresses
(More themes to come, watch this space.)
By entering you grant metamorphosism.com permission to publish your entry electronically on metamorphosism.com, in social media (including but not limited to twitter.com, facebook.com and anything else) as well as in book form, although the latter is REALLY unlikely, and has never happened yet, without compensation (this is a non-profit venture, and any possible, although unlikely, book would be, you know, for charity most likely). I have never published them anywhere but here, but who knows?
AS ALWAYS, RULES ARE SUBJECT TO CONSTANT CHANGE DURING THE CONTEST, SO CHECK BACK OFTEN.
The beauty of being pansexual
Is attraction is often contextual.
If a pan likes a man
Or a woman, or tran
There’s no limit to what might come next, you all.
The jigger digs in human toes
And other beasts where warm blood flows
They’ll cause a staph
And that’s quite naff.
In Peruvian deserts, wear your shoes!
Can I get away with saying that I am deliberately mispronouncing the footwear here?
The wonderful thing about jiggers is jiggers are wonderful things.
The idiot may baffle with his lies
And others, more astute, his ways despise;
So many of us hate him –
We want to isolate him –
But “love alone can truly socialize.”
He knocked at the door. She said, “Hey kid,
I’ve only this minute awaked.
Your pizza delivery
Is making me quivery;
Come on in and let’s both get naked.”
There once was a lady in Paris
Who’d chosen to dine on the terrace
Alas! Her poor tongue
Was repeatedly stung
By an angry Vespula vulgaris.
My cat once found something to eat
That might once have even been meat
And when cleaning his litter
I found the wee shitter
Had left writhing live worms as a treat
When a neighbour popped round to borrow sugar
My immediate desire was to hug her
But she didn’t want me
She just wanted sweet tea
And my first reaction was “oh bugger.”
It’s willpower that teenage boys lack
But Kellogg’s got the perfect life hack
So if you are banking
On preventing them wanking
Tie both of their hands at the back.
If you find that you’ve fathered a fool
Who does nothing but sit there and drool
Put him to work now
In pulling your plough
And you’ve saved yourself buying a mule
In the old days they use to burn witches
Or hang them or drown them in ditches
So if you had a wife
That was giving you strife
You’d accuse them of witchcraft, the bitches
I’ve a big ginger cat, he’s a hard ‘un
He once killed a dove in the garden
An angel’s white wings
With blood, bones and things
In heaven I hope he’ll be pardoned
My cat once brought home a live rabbit
And working as if just by habit
Dragged it under the bed
And tore off its head
Before any of us could grab it
My cat once brought home a live bunny
And thought that it might be quite funny
To drag it to bed
And tear off its head
Then fuck its warm corpse up the cunny
My bad cat has passions quite gingery
If he could, he’d wear black leather lingerie
When his sister came round
He pinned her to the ground
To add incest to insult and injury