13Jun / 2025

Things that go through your mind when you are locked in the urologist’s office at the beginning of a long weekend

Wtf?

Where is everybody?

from the outside?

Unlikely.

(Checking the door)Dang.

(Mental image of the John Travolta gif meme)

(Physically acting out the meme)

(Chuckle)

Dang

On the bright side, plenty of rubber gloves and lube.

Probably Viagra, too.

If only talented actress Pia Hierzegger were here.

(Jk I did not have any thoughts about respected actress Pia Hierzegger.)

Where was I?

If I call the urologist’s office, I will get the out of office message and it might include an emergency number.

Oh FFS why are they speaking so fast on this recording? How many times will I have to dial this before I have the whole emergency number written down?

Answer. Answer. Answer. Pick up the phone.

Leave a message, are you serious?

Theoretically if he gets a notification when someone leaves a message, if I leave a lot of messages he might get the idea that something weird is going on and listen to them before I turn into a dusty skeleton with cobwebs.

Dusty skeleton wearing dusty rubber gloves.

I could try climbing out the window. It is only one storey down.

But I could not close the window behind me.

Would it make sense to call the fire department? Would the police arrest me if I called them?

Maybe I can find, with much luck, the private number of the urologist.

Well it was worth a try.

I am going to have to call Alpha.

I could inform Alpha that I am going to be a bit late.

(Mental image of Alpha setting Rube Goldbergian construction of various social relationships, administrative organizations and political bodies the existence of which I can only guess at in motion to effect my rescue.)

Yep, I live in the Kafka/Three Stooges timeline for sure.

(Speaking to the apologetic urologist, who calls me like two minutes after I call Alpha) Be polite and friendly, he’s your urologist.

Errare humanum est.

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02Feb / 2023

Afternoon light

I got a surprise prostate exam at the urologist this morning.
Now as anyone can tell you, the urologist’s office
is the last place where a prostate exam
should be a surprise.
But I had been lured there for a blood test.
I thought the prostate exam was next week.
One of those things.
Everything looks good, apparently.
But some numbers had not been good, so, is why.
We’re waiting for the blood test results.
Which will either be tonight or
in a week or two.
I hope it’s tonight, to get it over with.
He had a little trouble drawing blood this time.
Usually it goes smoothly, but he was missing
the vein, then he got it but lost it again
or went through it.
I think my veins are about average
so I don’t know what the problem was.
I’m on my lunch break now.
I’m wondering if I’m getting over
Covid brain or going senile.
I just fed some crows that have been watching me
from the balcony.
The light is weird, it feels timeless.
Like they’re tinkering with the simulation
and have us stuck in a temporary loop for a while
or something.
Yesterday at work I listened to a music album
on youtube, it is a triple album, heavy on the drones
and overtones, three hours long.
After about five hours I realized
Youtube had it on repeat.
Sometimes it’s hard to tell the
masterpieces from the hoaxes.
The music from the field recording of a
refrigerator, which
is, however, of course also music.
And appropriate for this light.

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16Jan / 2021

It’s not an obsession, it’s a leitmotif

Dark bar
Man (walks in, squints, looks around, sits on a stool next to a shaggy dog, sighs): This free?
Dog (sets glass on bar, slowly looks over shoulder at man): You just sat on a stool.
Man (jumps to feet): Jesus! What?
Dog: Hurhurhur. (sips drink)
Man (sighs again, sits back down): Don’t, dude. It’s been a rough time, stool-wise.
Dog: Burst pipe?
Man (nods, signals to bartender “I’ll have what he’s having and bring another one for him, too”): That was just the start of the iceberg.
(Drinks arrive, dog nods, raises glass to man)
Man: I was sick all week. 38 degrees C, terrible stomach cramps. Felt like appendicitis, but right, if I know what appendicitis feels like, it can’t be appendicitis again, right. So, I’m not sure. Ate something bad, or a stomach bug, dunno. Maybe diverticulitis. Luckily I already have an initial appointment with my colonoscopy doctor, because my urologist recommended I see her after I told him the water in the toilet bowl was very often bright red, if you know what I mean.
Dog (shrugs): Huh.
Man: So, I asked my urologist, probably hemmorhoids right and he said, maybe, or it could be malignant too, maybe go have them take a look under the hood.
Man: So I called and made an appointment. Then, like, next day I notice the water in the toilet bowl is purple now.
Dog: Purple.
Man: Only then did I notice that my wife had hung a purple toilet bowl freshener thing from the rim.
Dog: Hur hur.
Man: So I asked her, honey, were you using a red one last time and she said yeah.
Dog (smirks, sips drink): Red toilet bowl fresheners are sponsored by the colonoscopy industry, I betcha.
Man: Never got around to canceling. But after my thing this week now I’m glad I didn’t.
Dog: Cheers.
Man: Cheers.

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Metamorphosism

Tag Archives: urology

Afternoon light

It’s not an obsession, it’s a leitmotif