2013 metamorphosism.com International St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest

Hard to believe a year has passed, but it has.

Suddenly, it’s time for the metamorphosism.com St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest again.


The contest will be very simple this year. Here are the rules:

  1. Read all the rules before entering. This is because entering the contest indicates that you have read and accepted all the rules and terms of the contest.
  2. Enter in the comments to this post.
  3. All entries must be in limerick form. If you are unfamiliar with what constitutes limerick form, a quick Internet search using the search engine of your choice will clear up any uncertainty. Alternatively, you may consult a book or ask someone.
  4. This year, there is no prize. This may change if someone generously donates a prize, but don’t hold your breath.
  5. There is a mystery judge this year. Maybe I’m the judge, maybe someone else. Who knows? It’s a mystery.
  6. As every year, conduct of the contest and judging will be arbitrary, corrupt, biased and otherwise patently unfair. Believe me, no one suffers more from this than I. I would change it if I could, but this is a built-in feature of the contest and always has been.
  7. Anyone complaining about the rules, conduct of the contest, judging or anything else in connection with the limerick contest shall be disqualified and ridiculed publicly or privately, at my discretion.
  8. Rules are subject to change without prior and/or further notice.
  9. The contest has one or more themes every year. This year, the themes are malfeasance, iatrogenic illness,  Scandinavia (especially furniture),  jurisprudence animal husbandry, Scotland, horseradish and television series involving dragons or cooking (or both)
  10. Bonus points for astronomical legal terminology, as well as terminology suggested by the themes listed in rule 9.
  11. As per rule 8, themes and bonus points are also subject to change without further and/or prior notice.
  12. Winners will be announced on  or about St. Valentine’s Day (14 February 2013 (my time)).
  13. Have fun!

39 responses to “2013 metamorphosism.com International St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest

  1. D

    There once was a man from Pripryat,
    Who needed a stand for his hat,
    But finding one was tough,
    They would never hold enough;
    Cause Ikea don’t believe in ten heads.

  2. D

    Convalescing in a British hospital,
    I had nothing to fear at all,
    The improving color of my complexion,
    Showed I was heading in the right direction,
    Until I caught a nosocomial infection.

  3. D

    Whilst dating a lovely young paralegal
    I was a conniving and cheating old weasel
    There was no end of grief
    When she overcame her disbelief
    And I never again saw her spread-eagled.

  4. schnitzi

    At the start of each contest it seems
    I’m set to dive in and write reams
    But stumble, because
    I first have to pause
    To look up the words in the themes

  5. schnitzi

    My right leg was hurt when I fell
    And started to stiffen and swell
    So for a new tactic
    I tried chiropractic
    Now I can’t move the left one as well

  6. My love works the till at Ikea
    Which colours our romance, I fear
    His Fartfuls are grand
    And his Malm fills my hand
    But I daren’t whisper Broarp in his ear.

  7. Jeter Coffee

    Last year’s contest — Jann, you concur —
    Was corrupt. By a grand saboteur.
    Malfeasance? For sure.
    Undiluted and pure;
    Res ipsa loq(friggin)uitur.

    (res ipsa loquitur = “the thing speaks for itself)

  8. Jann

    This is not an entry, but for the record:

    Jeter Coffee’s opinions, feleings, attitudes, ideas should be considered his and his alone. He does not speak for me, nor do I “concur with the sentiments expressed in his last post.

  9. Jeter Coffee

    In deference to Jann’s wishes I revise my limerick as follws:

    This year’s contest — truth does concur –
    Is corrupt. By a grand saboteur.
    Malfeasence? For sure.
    Undiluted and pure;
    Res ipsa loq(friggin)tur.

    (res ipsa loquitur = “the thing spaks for itself”)

    The limerick is a commentary on the verv rules by which this contest is based:
    “5.There is a mystery judge this year. Maybe I’m the judge, maybe someone else. Who knows?
    “6.As every year, conduct of the contest and judging will be arbitrary, corrupt, biased and otherwise patentlv unfair.”
    “This year, the themes are malfeasance…”
    “10.Bonus points for legal terminology…”

    I submit that the limerick is in total compliance with the rules and should be given extra points for the legal phrase “res ipsa loquiture” but it is not submited with any expectation of being given any serious consideration. It is, as Jann figured out an expression of my disguts for last year’s contest. Jann expressed her displeasure last vear as well.

  10. Perry Iles

    A young flat-pack furniture builder
    Shagged a girl from Stavanger called Hilde
    Put tab A in slot B
    She invited with glee
    So he did, but the trouble was that he wasn’t really a builder, he was a medical student from Stockholm moonlighting for extra money with a weekend job in IKEA and he’d picked up a horrible hospital bug which caused tremendous and grotesque swelling in the final lines of limericks, and the resulting infection damn nearly killed her.

  11. b

    @Jeter – your entry doesn’t conform to limerick rhyming scheme and isn’t a limerick.

    @Anyone who’s curious but can’t be arsed to Google – here’s a page describing limerick form. http://www.poetryteachers.com/poetclass/lessons/limerick.html

    Limerick writing is an art form. Silly, sometimes bawdy, always clever, and demanding of one’s respect.

  12. Perry Iles

    For our Valentine limerick lines
    We need to think hard all the time
    To squeeze in the abstruse
    We must play fast and loose
    With our scansion, and rhythm, and rhyme

    Of Sweden I can’t get enough
    Where the blonde girls cavort in the buff
    And the weirdly odd nature
    Of IKEA’s nomenclature
    And badly dubbed episodes of Puff
    the Magic Dragon

  13. Jann

    Nurse Marie was subpoenaed to court
    To report how a doc named James Fort
    During surgery, splenic,
    Cut a major nerve (phrenic),
    Then the surgery had to abort.

  14. Jeter Coffee

    Drat! I guess that means I won’t win. Thanks, Bran.

  15. b

    A scandal of massive malfeasance
    Was talked of in Sweden for seasons
    The doctor’s lost knife
    Was found in his wife
    A surgery of iatrogenic dis-ease-ance.

  16. Perry Iles

    In Scotland it’s different of course
    As they like to remind you with force
    They don’t dine alfresco
    And contrary to Tesco
    Their horseradish won’t contain horse.

  17. schnitzi

    Came in for a new bedroom suite
    But Ikea’s design has me beat
    For twenty-three days
    I’ve wandered their maze
    With nothing but meatballs to eat

  18. mig

    Entrants: please note last-minute arbitrary rule change!

  19. schnitzi

    The Scots have a hard time concealing
    The new times have left them all reeling
    Their cooking shows gag us
    When frying up haggis
    And their upskirt websites aren’t appealing

  20. Muirsi Wuirsi

    Mig I’m sorry that I let you down
    I did promise when I was in town
    I’d do a few rhymes
    If you paid for my wine
    Which you did, in fairness, you clown.

  21. Muirsi Wuirsi

    But my Faolsie was playing the drums
    And he needed a lift off his mum
    If he played the harmonica
    Would’nae need a lift off her
    Could have got the bus there to and from

  22. Muirsi Wuirsi

    Now let’s see what the rules are this time
    There are none it seems so it is fine
    I can enter alright
    In the middle of night
    A few limericks across the line

  23. Muirsi Wuirsi

    There first comes animal husbandry
    With points for astronomicology
    And Scottish horseradish
    And dragonish sandwiches
    That’s mad, Ted but I’ll give it a try

  24. Muirsi Wuirsi

    Paul McCartney turned me off Scotland
    I have nothing to say on the one hand
    On the other I suppose
    I’ll consider its prose
    And not forget Burns, the ploughman

  25. Muirsi Wuirsi

    Though Paul McCartney is one to admire
    I hate that song Mull of Kintyre
    If bleedin mists from the sea
    Were rolling down on me
    Far far away is where I would desire

  26. Muirsi Wuirsi

    I went to Vienna with Trish
    She ordered a sausagey dish
    Horseradish? said Ian
    Yes, they eat it in Wien
    And sometimes they put it on Fish

  27. Muirsi Wuirsi

    My radish was just astronomical
    I grew it to be economical
    But when I saw my bloke
    I just thought of this joke
    That to poke him would be quite comical

  28. Muirsi Wuirsi

    I’m sorry I can’t talk of shows
    Of dragons – I’m not eight, you know
    But I really love Jamie
    And Nigella and Ramsey
    Who doesn’t quite go with the flow.

  29. Muirsi Wuirsi

    Is that enough now darling Mig?
    I said that I would do and I did
    I know they’re not bawdy
    And some are quite tawdry
    But I’m glad you continued this gig

  30. CHuck Feney

    Saint Malachy’s Malediction

    The resignation of Pope Benedict
    Reminds us of Malachy’s maledict
    His prophecy unfurled
    The end of the world
    And tribulations it will inflict.

    Saint Malachy in year 1139
    Laid out his prediction divine
    His list of the popes
    Dashes our hopes…
    We’re now at the end of the line!

    Here is the gist of this tome:
    It’s time for man’s final shalom
    Because Petrus Romanus
    Will soon be upon us
    To reign over destruction of Rome.
    Charles Ulysses Feney

  31. Perry Iles

    Pope Benedict longs for the things
    That only retirement brings
    He’ll pursue his desire
    For that boy in the choir
    With a bottom like jelly on springs

  32. mig

    I have received an electronic communication from last year’s Judge Teathorn who, it turns out, has not died, but had been offline due to “suffering massive iatrogenic trauma because a nurse accidentally put an energy drink in my IV instead of NaCl solution.”

    Although I had already arranged a secret judge for this contest, I feel obliged to take Teathorn’s input under consideration as well when calculating this year’s winners. Here is some of what Teathorn said:
    “Perry is too clever not to win.
    Dave and Schnitzi are too cool not to at least place.
    Unfortunately, Dave hasn’t posted under the new rules.
    The only poems not disqualified at this point are by Perry, Schnitzi and Muirsi Wursi.”
    Judge Teathorn has a point. However, an innovation this year was the secret rule. This year’s secret rule was massive extra points for having the balls to enter first despite the arbitary rule changes that are a part of the contest, which I tried out because otherwise everyone would wait until the last day to enter, which would cut down on the entertainment value.

    So, after consulting with the secret judge, and considering Teathorn’s input, the winners of the 2013 metamorphosism.com international St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest are as follows:
    First Place goes to Perry
    Second Place is a three-way tie between Muirsi Wuirsi, Dave and Schnitzi.

    Thank you to everyone who entered, and those of you who stopped by to read. Sorry there were no big controversies this year, I’ll work harder in 2014. Happy Valentine’s Day!

  33. Muirsi Wuirsi

    In accordance with rules 4 and 6, I wish to generously donate a prize to all runners up who have a W in their name. The prize is a lovely new handbag. Thank you very much.

  34. Jeter Coffee

    May I congratulate mig, Judge Teathorn, and Bran for carrying out this contest in strict compliance with announced the rules. And props to Perry and Schnitzi for some good lims.

  35. Kelly

    Awesome. A perennial pleasure for readers. Thank you to Mig and all limerick masters.

  36. Jann

    This time I do agree with Jeter; everything was in strict compliance with the announced rules. Congratulations all!

  37. b

    Congratulations, winners. And congratulations contestants for surviving yet another St. Valentine’s Day Internation Limerick Brawl.

    @Jeter – this is Mig’s contest. I’m not running the show in any way, though I am a keen fan of the limerick contest. I’m also the ‘webmaster’ of this here site in the way that if something breaks, Mig goes into a quasi-Autistic doom spiral and has just enough wherewithal left to email me and point generally to the problem. I fix it. Sometimes I break it, too. But then I fix it. So that’s my role around here – no more than that. Also, Mig is my friend and I think he’s neat.

  38. mig

    Quasi-autistic doom spiral is the name of my new band.