In the spirit of Art’s Birthday, which today is, namely participatory and cooperative creation of art, it is a great pleasure to announce this year’s Metamorphosism International Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest.
Over the years, hundreds of brilliant limericks have seen the light of day thanks to this contest, and we are looking forward to seeing a lot this year. As always, there are rules which, as always, are subject to arbitrary change at my whim, at short notice and unannounced. The decisions of the judge will be final. There will be at least two prizes this year, maybe more. Contact me if you have a prize you’d like to donate. My email is metamorphosist@gmail.com. Two prizes have already been donated, one by Bran, her book The Slow-Moving Person’s Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse: A How-to for the Survival of the Unfit, and the other by me (with fine-art illustrations by Bran), namely a remaining copy of my book Little-Known Facts about Various Marine-Dwelling Animals (if I can find it in my messy studio).
The rules: (NOTE UNFAIR AND ARBITRARY RULE CHANGES MADE ON 7 FEBRUARY 2012 SUPERCEDING PREVIOUS RULE CHANGES)
- Entries must be genuine limericks. Look up what a limerick is before entering if you don’t know.
- Make entries as comments to this post.
- Include a valid email address so I can contact you if necessary. Emails are not published.
- Limericks are famous for being raunchy, so this contest is open only to people old enough to be writing raunchy limericks, even if the actual limericks you enter are not raunchy, because there is a chance you will at least be reading raunchy limericks.
- These are limericks, and the contest is for Valentine’s Day, so thematically they should include something related to love and/or sex, requited or not. Obsession, attraction, etc. are also okay.
- Deadline is February 13, 2012, because the winners will be announced with much fanfare on February 14, 2012. It is the last Valentine’s Day in the history of mankind, if the Mayans are right, so make your entries count.
- I would like to publish a volume of the best entries from past years, so by entering you are giving me permission to (possibly) publish your entry in such a volume, without remuneration (any profits will be donated to charity). Otherwise all rights remain with authors.
- Extra points: (Be sure and read this rule; it is practically impossible to win without extra credit) Extra credit is awarded this year for references to / incorporation of the following: MARITIME DISASTERS, STRIPPERS, POLITICAL SCANDALS, AND SPERM DONATION
H.P. Lovecraft, Australian place names (especially Wollongong and Tweed Heads), esoteric philosophy, and wrestling holds. New entries following the previous, superceded rules will be DISQUALIFIED. literary parody (especially Cormac McCarthy), obscure sciences, consequences of environmental pollution, various chimera by name, Japanese Noh theater actors, anthropological concepts, functional recipes, and types of knots. And the apocalypse. - You may enter as often as you like. Multiple entries are encouraged, and improve your chances of winning.
- You are encouraged to spread the word about this contest.
- Have a nice day.
- PS on your way out, why not go watch my videos on youtube? (IMPORTANT: According to my youtube stats, many of you have not been following this rule!)
- Or go take a look at the 2009 contest, which was a very good year for poetry.
(Many thanks to bran for this year’s logo!)
When I first saw the stripper Sweet Sue
She was leaving a bobbing canoe/
A free sight for sore eyes,
Because more than just thighs
Were exposed as her skirt flew askew.
“Where’s my pa?” the Republicans yell.
Thinking Cleveland’s campaign to dispell.
Was it really his sperm?
But, with never a squirm,
“Tell the truth,” Grover said. And did well.
The 1884 presidential campaign pitted Cleveland, a Democrat, and Republican James Blain. The Democratic rallying cry was “Blaine, Blaine, James G. Blaine, the continental liar from the state of Maine.” His denials of corruption were weakened by the discovery of correspondence, including some so inflammatory that he’d included the instruction, “Burn this letter.”
Republicans, having discovered that Cleveland had fathered a child out of wedlock, responded with “Ma, Ma, where’s my Pa?” Cleveland’s advice to his staff was the three words quoted in the verse. In truth, the woman in question, apparently wasn’t sure. She collected child support from Cleveland in 1874, but named her son Oscar Folsom Cleveland — the first two names being those of Cleveland’s (married) law partner at the time of conception.
Cleveland was elected, and the Dems chanted, “Ma, Ma, where’s my Pa? Gone to the White Hous. Ha! Ha! Ha!”
Aargh. Tense confusion. So last sentence of Grover should be
“Tell the truth,” Grover says. And does well.
St. Valentine’s Day can be risky
Cuz the men folk do tend to be frisky.
And watch out for the pious:
They sure like to try us
Before and yes after their whiskey.
What time zone is the contest deadline based on? I ask because I posted just after 11 PM Feb. 13th (Eastern Time) But my post is time-stamped 12:05 A.M. Feb. 14th.
The deadline is flexible, based usually on when I wake up on Valentine’s Day. I’m awake now, it’s 5.33 am right now. Thanks for your entries, everyone. The contest is now closed. Judge A.C. Teathorn is adjudicating the entries right now, I’ll announce the winners in a few hours. Happy Valentine’s Day!
Here are the results of the 2012 metamorphosism.com International Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest. First of all, my thanks to everyone who entered; the quality of entries was very high this year. Thanks also go to A.C. Teathorn who once again took on the task of judging the contest despite lingering seasickness from a whale-watching trip to the Azores.
Without further ado, here are the results:
1st place – Perry
2nd place – Schnitzi
3rd place – Jeter Coffee
Honorable mentions: Jann, once again the most prolific entrant, and Janet, for one particularly brilliant entry.
First and second-place winners, please contact me at metamorphosist@gmail.com, I need your mailing addresses to send you your prizes. My apologies to third-place winner Jeter Coffee, but we only have two prizes this year.
Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone, and thanks for another fun contest.
Pingback: Metamorphosism › Results of the 2012 metamorphosism.com International Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest
Once again a great contest – congrats to the winners, and Perry and Schnitzi enjoy your prizes. One more thing; Bran’s logo is very nice.
Mig, you didn’t say which were the winning poems!
Because of the complicated and secretive judging process, there are only winning poets, not individual poems. Besides quality of entries, the system also awards points for early entry, tenacity, quantity and of course theme. Here is an excerpt from A.C. Teathorn’s mail to me:
“Perry 18 points
Schnitzi 10 points
Jeter Coffee 9 points
honorable mentions to Jann and Janet”
Entries Teathorn seemed to like are as follows:
#147 Perry wrote:
The Concordia’s captain took flight
To a place where they don’t extradite
Of his girlfriend he snapped
“She’s a pole-dancing Lapp
Not a lap-dancing Pole, get it right!”
#156 Janet McConnaughey wrote:
We know, gals, what show-gals you are,
But I still think it’s sorta bizarre
That while Annabelle’s stocks
Rose as hot Fanne Foxe,
Fannie Belle’s did as well, as Blaze Starr.
#29 schnitzi wrote:
The hole in ozone of course is
Depleted by CFC sources
Though none seem aghast
It’s sufficiently vast
For four men to ride through on horses
(and others that seemed neat)
#31 Perry wrote:
Numerologists tell me it’s near
That we won’t last much more than this year
I don’t care where I go
But this much I know
Armageddon the fuck out of here
#44 schnitzi wrote:
It boggles my cerebral cortex
That they’re still making things out of Gortex
The way that it’s made
It won’t ever degrade
And ends up in the Pacific Trash Vortex.
#88 Jeter Coffee wrote:
In the book the Apocalypse came,
And it’s true, it’s a zero sum game.
Cuz the death of romance
Didn’t slow the advance
Down The Road to full Pulitzer fame.
Personally, I could not pick a favorite, although I enjoyed #118 by Janet because she uses the word “squamous”:
“Partly rugose and utterly squamous,
It attacked as I donned my pajamous.
With a Tonga death grip
It made my heart flip
And we’ll honeymoon in the Bahamous.”
Congratulations to Perry and Schnitzi. It was a fun contest. Jann had some good ones, not the least of which was the very first depraved/behaved entry. The lap-dancing Pole and the four horsemen were especially clever. It’s a shame Madeline Kane started so late. She’s good at this craft. If she had more in the hopper she would have had a better chance. Congrats to all!
Let me take this opportunity to again invite all you poets to join the fun at the Omnificent Dictionary in Limerick Form (google “OEDILF”) where you can hone your limerick skills with the best limericists in the English-speaking world. As proof let me just point out that Janet is an OEDILFer.
Congrats, Perry, Schnitzi, Jeter and Jann!
I’ll second Jeter’s invitation to OEDILF, where each limerick is a valentine to a word.
And huge thanks to MIG, for inviting us into his den, and to Judge Teathorn.
I never participate (oh wait; last year I did. Kinda,)but I always watch the contest unfold. It’s always a treat. This year was particularly fun with all the new entrants, who I hope will return next year. Thanks for another entertaining VDAY contest, all!
Thank you, Jeter, for the kind words, especially appreciated because apparently Mig and Teathorn didn’t like any of my limericks; my honorable mention was only for writing a lot of them.
Woo hoo, congrats Perry. Your “what’s the worst that could happen?” entry was my favorite of the contest.
And given that the topics included sperm donation and maritime disasters, the fact that not a single entry uses the word “seamen” means we all deserve a pat on the back.
Jann, no doubt you got game. You’re a two, or is it three, time winner! It’s all for fun and it’s all subjective. But I gotta say there were some brilliant limericks in this contest. My personal favorite may have been the Prince Albert/lovely Victoria one by Schnitzi. The gortex/vortex was terrific, too, but I couldn’t make line 5 scan. And how can we compete with the brilliance of the lap-dancing Pole? Really good stuff.
Jeter, I have no problem with getting honorable mention; I too loved Schnitzi’s #29, and #44, also Perry’s #147, and your #88. I think they were more clever than mine. However, they did not all follow the rules, i.e., the theme was supposed to be love/sex. It is harder to write a good limerick when you have to fit two things in, Saying that my honorable mention was for being prolific is an insult. There is nothing praiseworthy about being prolific. When asked to name some of the best limericks, Mig managed to give examples from everyone except me, a deliberate exclusion, and don’t think it wasn’t.
(The only limerick I singled out was Janet’s “squamous” entry. The rest were mentioned by A.C. Teathorn, who is a real person, and not me. – Mig)
Jann, I’m sorry to see you felt slighted. I hope it doesn’t keep you from coming back. The contest would not be half as fun if you weren’t in it. I didn’t see prolific as an insult – I thought Mig & the good judge were giving a nod to the obvious truth that when it comes to writing Valentine’s Day limericks, you’ve got everyone beat, hands down. I don’t know how you manage to pen so many each year.
One thing I really admired about you, Jann, was that you kept posting limericks after the rule changes without skipping a beat. Those arbitrary rule changes are no big thing to you, though I think if it was me, I’d feel instantly deflated to see my previous entries count for nothing. So, kudos to you, and to everyone who keeps on posting even after the powers that be exert their god-like, and totally unfair powers for the sheer amusement of it.
And in the end, this is a contest for fun & frolics – I would hate to see anyone walk away feeling abused or unappreciated. This was another great year for limericks. I hope to see everyone again next year, as well as Madeleine, who might have joined too late for this year’s judging.
Thank you, Bran. You’re very kind. And your lovely logo added a very nice touch to the contest this year.
While I was initially confused by the arbitrary rule changes, when I realized what was going on it made the whole thing more fun. The problem I see with the rules is that they really aren’t clear. Are all Valentine/chimera poems judged only against one another or are they thrown in the hopper and judged against all 150+ entries? Are apocalypse poems judged against one another only? Clearly mig liked seeing all elements combined into one lim, but it’s also clear that the judge favored “zing,” punchline, wordplay and cleverness over strict adherence to the rules. “Armaggedon the f out of here” was a great pun but the only connection to sex/romance/Valentines was the gratuitous addition of the f bomb, which was enough to qualify under the rules. It’s such a good lim it’s hard to hold it strictly to the rules when the rules are deliberately capricious for the sake of fun and challenge. I’d like to come back next year and I hope you will too. I hope to recruit some more really talented folks from the OEDILF next year. It’s a fun contest, but I think it would benefit from clearer rules. Mig, thanks for hosting the party. As you continue to attract more and more talent maybe a clearer statement of the rules would help. Dunno. I do know I enjoyed reading all the lims from winners and non-winners alike.
Judge Teathorn made a similar observation. This contest started small, and the confusing rules were not a problem then. Future contests will have more explicit rules, and it will be made clear that arbitrary changes are part of the deal. For the record, all entries are judged against all other entries. Rule changes do not result in earlier entries being removed from competition.
Thanks for the explanation. So the first set of rules gave extra credit for combining love with chimeras or knots or whatever. The second set of rules gave extra credit for combining love with other elements (the apolcalypse or other elements, for example — I may not have the sequence down right). Say there was a third shift of rules to add new elements. Okay, I understand that all entries are judged together. What I was wondering is this: does the judge pick the three best submissions under the first set of rules and judge them against the best three under the second and third set of rules? Does an entrant have a better chance only submitting the ones s/he thinks are the best, or should s/he send in everything even if s/he thinks it’s substandard? I know I sent in some stuff that was junk and maybe even worse for a judge I sent in junk that was rewritten into improved junk and rewritten a second time into passable junk (or maybe from bad to worse instead of slightly improving each time). At the time I was just having fun not too concerned about my carelessness. Looking back I would hate to be a judge who has to sift through 3 versions of the same junk. I think you should have a rule saying no revisions to protect against people like me. If I participate next year I’ll be more careful and considerate of the judge/moderator/sponsor.
I did not find the rules hard to understand, but that’s probably because I’m used to these rule changes. However, the judge seemed either unaware of the main rule, that the limericks were thematically to include love, sex, attraction/obsession or else determined to ignore it.
I personally felt very constrained by having to make each limerick about love/sex, as I said in #45. Last year’s contest, where we didn’t have to do that was about 100 times more fun and allowed for much better limericks. Mig should have been smart enough not to tell us which entries the judge favored, as some or them made no attempt to follow this rule.
One more thing: this is Mig’s contest, Mig’s rules. Mig is the person best qualified to judge whether the entries followed the rules. Mig should judge the contest himself. Not to do so is a total copout. This I believe very strongly. Next year, Mig, don’t be a copout!
Maybe I didn’t read them all carefully enough, Jann, but I respectfully disagree that last year’s entries were better than this year. You, Janet, Schnitzi and Perry all submitted top notch, entertaining stuff. As did others.
Also, I wanted to highlight a couple more from this year that I thought were good. Jason Talbott had a really funny one in #85. It was the only one that literally made me laugh out loud. Maybe he and I have the same warped sense of humor. And Ruchiccio had some really clever wordplay with United/Untied in #78. There were a bunch of good ones. I sure wouldn’t want to be the judge. I don’t fault the sponsor at all for finding an impartial judge. She may not agree to do it again, though, if we gripe too much about the outcome/process. MIG, please don’t think we’re ungrateful. I would have enjoyed just the same regardless of the declared “winners.” I got to read some clever stuff produced by some damn smart and creative folks. Thanks for putting it out there.
You’re right, it’s mig’s contest. So I apologize if this post sounds presumptuous. Maybe next year the rules can say the theme is a, b, c, & d and you get extra points for combining more than one topic in a limerick, i.e. you can write about any of the four but get more credit for combining 2, 3 or 4 together. Then when the arbitrary rule changes kick in you can write about e, f, g or h. Again, combinations get extra points. Maybe that’s the way it was done before, dunno. Regardless, the 2012 rules didn’t say it was impossible to win without extra points, it just said it’s ALMOST impossible.
Actually, Jeter, you’re wrong. The rules said (I made copies of the rules)and this is copied and pasted: “• Extra points: (Be sure and read this rule) (NOTE CHANGES on 26 January 2012) Entries are customarily quite good so you will need extra points to win.” Mig subsequently took this sentence out, which I noted in my comment #99:
Jann wrote:
But then I just noticed that the sentence, “Entries are customarily quite good so you will need extra points to win.”, no longer appears in the rules. That should be great for some people!!!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012 at 10:16 pm | Permalink
Mig at some point added back in an altered version of that rule: “Extra points: (Be sure and read this rule; it is practically impossible to win without extra credit)”
No wonder some people were very confused!
It sounds like the contest, and the need for better rules definition, is going through growing pains. MIG says he’ll tighten up the rules next year. With more clarity contestants and judges alike will make a fun contest even more fun. Life is good.
Life is good. I’ll drink to that!
Congrats all! Schnitzi– I particularly loved Albert and Victoria– very romantic.
I gotta ask. Was the gordian knot pun in this one even noticeable?
Gordy thought Suzie was hot.
He lusted her her quite a lot.
When at last they entangled
He felt fireworks — star-spangled!
But for her, just a “Gordy, um, not.”
Absolutely. Great. Excellent wordplay in general this year.
Yes, Jeter, I had to google and as a result I learned what a Gordian Knot is: very good!
Okay. Thanks for letting me know. I was afraid it was too obscure. I’m kind of notorious for missing puns when I read the work of others so I’ve been trying to develop an eye for them by writing my own. The truth is I probably wouldn’t have made the connection reading this if I hadn’t written it.
Which reminds me, I really liked Patti’s #10 where the married couple tried to tie the knot and only got half-hitched. Congrats to you, Patti! Yours, too, was a candidate for best lim in my mind. Now that’s good wordplay.
Re: “(The only limerick I singled out was Janet’s “squamous” entry. The rest were mentioned by A.C. Teathorn, who is a real person, and not me. – Mig)”
Yes, Mig, but it’s still true that you made sure that I was excluded. And three of the six that Teathorn liked, i.e., #’s 29, 44, and 31, had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with love,sex, attraction/obsession which was/were supposed to be the theme of all the limericks. Maybe next year the judge will read the rules.
But when all said and done, it was a lot of fun:
It was really a helluva party,
There were Peter and Jeter and Marty,
And Sir Walter Scott,
Who stirred up the pot,
Spoke of coffee and seemed very hearty.
You make a good point about 3 of 6 lims singled out not complying with the rules. It’s also disturbing to find out that rules were changed “arbitrarily” to favor Perry’s excellent winner. Here’s an exchange between Perry and the contest sponsor.
Re: Metamorphosism International Valentine’s Limerick Contest v.2012
——————————————————————————–
The Concordia’s captain took flight
To a place where they don’t extradite
Of his girlfriend he snapped
“She’s a pole-dancing Lapp
Not a lap-dancing Pole, get it right!”
__________________
I wear the cheese. The cheese does not wear me.
http://www.perry-iles.blogspot.com/
perryi
View Public Profile
Send a private message to perryi
Find all posts by perryi
#17 02-03-2012, 03:37 PM
metamorphosist
Dz, dz, dz. Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Vienna, Austria
Posts: 205
Re: Metamorphosism International Valentine’s Limerick Contest v.2012
——————————————————————————–
Excellent work, this makes me want to change the rules again to require mention of maritime catastrophes.
Don’t think I’ll participate next year. But I love your parting lim, Jann.
Jann, my last cut and paste post didn’t make much sense. Let me try again. But before I do, I’ll repeat two things. One, I loved your last lim. Two, I won’t be back. The contest looks less and less “arbitrary”. I looks friends helping friends and outsiders being left outside. Check out the thread of conversation in this link:
http://www.bookshedforum.com/showthread.php?t=5185&page=2
I don’t see how Jann is an outsider, left outside – she’s won at least two contests previously, and Jeter, you placed third this year, right?
The arbitrary rules always were and always will be Mig’s whims. There is no changing his mind once he gets an idea in it. He’s a strange and wonderfully chaotic man.
The rules of the contest state that rule changes will be arbitrary and unfair. Of course, by stating this in advance, it ensures that the contest rules are neither arbitrary nor unfair. It’s not arbitrary if it’s preannounced, and it’s not unfair if fair warning is given. And the judging was performed by a person uninvolved in the contest, not by the person making the rules. All entries were judged on the basis of their poetic quality and their humor. It is important to stress here that Perry won this year fair and square, because he wrote the best limericks, and not for any other reason.
This “contest”, as implied in the original post announcing it, is a collaborative artistic project. Perhaps offering material prizes was a mistake. Maybe not. I see the contest the way a god might see a 12 year old boy riding his Stingray bicycle down a sidewalk in the 1970s, wondering what the kid is thinking, and who does he like better, bookish, serious elder sister Marcia Brady or the awkward, absent-minded yet hotter middle sister Jan Brady, who will possibly grow up to have a tawdry affair with the neighbor while her civil engineer husband is away on a business trip one winter, drinking eggnog in the back yard, if God ever makes up his mind; or a man in his thirties trying to assemble a package of furniture parts produced in the Ukraine without a proper instructional diagram; or a man in his fifties trimming his beard with a new beard trimmer and cutting it shorter and shorter because he got distracted and shaved off half the right side of his moustache and then shaved off half the left side to make it match, only to discover that made it look like a Hitler moustache so trimming off the middle part to make it look better, which required cutting the rest shorter as well.
Perry’s limericks were brilliant. Nobody denies that.
Instead of waxing (and waning) philosophical about how you are a god looking down on us 10 year olds riding our bicycles, maybe you could directly address the issues Jann and I raised. One, the no fewer than 50% of the limericks highlighted by the judge didn’t comply with the rules. Two, you deliberatedly changed the rules to make an otherwise ineligible limerick eligible. None of us care about winning material prizes (some weird-ass book that nobody’s ever heard of?), we care about being duped into thinking this was a legitimate “contest” where our fun would be judged according to announced rules. Jann is right. She assiduously, meticulously followed your rules only to be edged out by entries which ignored the rules. If you think that’s “fair and square” then you are a “strange and wonderfully chaotic man.”
If you’ll excuse me now, I have to trim my mustache and assemble some Ukrainian furniture. If only God weren’t so busy ignoring His people maybe You could help.
And now that your idiotic diatribe has raised our consciousness and has us feeling dispassionate, contemplative and rational let me tell you that you DO NOT HAVE MY CONSENT TO PUBLISH ANYTHING I SUBMITTED IN ANY BOOK YOU DECIDE TO PUBLISH. I don’t want anything I’ve written to benefit you or your favorite charity. I have my own favorite charitable organizations, thank you.
But, that’s just it, Jeter. This was never a “legitimate contest.” Look around you – you’re at a weblog. You’re complaining about rule changes when the one guiding rule of this contest is that the rules will change for no given reason. You have no case. As for ‘some book nobody’s heard of,’ you’re showing your ignorance about just what is going on, here. That book nobody’s heard of was written by Mig, and has been talked about frequently on Mig’s blog. This is a BLOG. It’s not some corporation sponsoring a literary challenge for your edification. You keep referring to Mig as the ‘sponsor,’ which is interesting, because no one is sponsoring anything. From its inception in the early ‘aughts, this contest has been nothing more than a giant collaborative art project by the readers of Mig’s blog. I notice Jann is no longer engaging in this discussion, so I apologize to her for bringing her into it, again, but I’d like to point to Jann as a long-time reader of the blog. Her criticisms of the contest this year seemed out of character for her, and incongruous with her history as a member of the ‘Metamorphosism’ community. Though it was great to see new entrants, like you, Jeter, it’s a shame you viewed the contest as a means to greater literary fame for yourself, and not as a way to jump into a loose confederation of weirdos hanging out in the comments sections.
On another note, the invitation to join the loose confederation of commenting weirdos is still wide open, in my view. Though this isn’t my blog, I have been webmaster/admin of it since 2000….something, and feel invested in it as one of the last surviving blogs from the early blog heyday. This is like internet home to me. I hope Mig doesn’t mind, but I invite each of the limericists of this year to remain in the community of Metamorphosism, despite issues over the contest or any other opposing reason. I like you, Jeter, and hope you’ll stay. I imagine you’d have interesting comments to contribute to the on-going surreality.
I have a bit more to say. For as long as I can remember, that is, from the time I was about two years old, I have cared about fairness more than about winning. I believe that any contest or game should be fair for all participants; I like a level playing field. If I won a contest that I didn’t think was fair for everybody, I would not be happy about it. I like honesty and openness, and I abhor deceit, dishonesty, subterfuge, as well as behind the scenes manipulation. People should do what they say they will do. The winners of a contest are supposed to have followed the rules. If people can’t be kind, they should stay home. The idea that Jeter (or anybody) would enter this contest “as a means to greater literary fame” seems laughable to me. This contest is about fun and writing and reading some good limericks. When somebody wins a prize, that person should actually receive stated prize, and without any “back room razzle-dazzle”, nor other excuses. In the past when I, on occasion, felt that the contest did not meet the high expectations I had for it, I either kept quiet, or conveyed my concerns privately to Mig. This year I felt that I could not keep quiet.