After I saw a man underneath my shopping cart this morning, I knew something had to be done. If it had at least been an actual man, I could have said, “hey, you down there, hand me the kitty litter.”
However, it was a non-existant man. The voice telling me to eat a bishop, okay, that was still funny, managed to work that into a pilot for a sit-com, a new Feral Living spinoff, Demon Shrink. But seeing things, man. It wasn’t a genuine hallucination, it was more like a tired and stressed mind seeing a dark shape (shadows) and jumping to a conclusion (must be a man crammed in underneath your shopping cart, hey, makes sense!).
So I did what any sane person would do in the situation: I went and finally saw “Lord of the Rings” with Beta. Now everyone in the world has seen that movie. We were the last ones. We won a prize.
My favorite detail was how the super-orcs put warpaint on their faces. That tells you a lot about how the orc mind works. Here are creatures, half orc and half something else even worse, born in molten mud in a fiery subterranean place half hell half factory amidst heavily-pierced (with what look like industrial staples) orc blacksmiths pounding out swords on their evil anvils and casting armor and shit; they have faces based I suppose partly on baboons, only worse, with really awful pointy teeth. Black slime drools out of their mouths when they stand there receiving evil instructions from their evil overlord Sauroman or however he spells it. Huge guys, muscles, claws, long black matted hair or dreadlocks, pointy ears, and so on and one says to the other, “Hey, let’s put some white paint on our faces and make ourselves scary-looking.”
I also decided to try getting more sleep today and ease up on the diet for a meal or two (this is me talking again, not the orc).
Please return your prize to where it came from. You did not win. I haven’t seen the movie yet.
I also have the prize for having never seen Titanic.
Now, go eat a Bishop.
Since you’ll never go see the movie, I get to keep the prize. It’s a spork in the shape of a bishop.
What if I see it in an illegaly pirated version? Do I still get the spork? Or do I just get the bishop?
you get the spork, but i’m not telling where.
Can I apply the spork? I live a lot closer to Michele than you do.
And I have many inventive uses for sporks.
Whoever has MY prize better hand it over or you’re getting the spork up your ass! Or is that the prize?
The prize is you get to stick the spork up Mig’s ass. And I don’t want it back after that.
hey, hey, take it easy, michele. remember, alpha reads this. and besides, that was the prize for being the last one not to have seen the “titanic”, and it was your toothbrush, not a spork.
I could let Alpha stick the spork up there. You deserve it, you know it.
alpha are you getting ideas?
(she’ll speak someday!)
Michele, that is an excellent idea. I
Uh-oh, Alpha’s figured out the comment function.
You are in deep trouble now, Mig.
Alpha, is Mig the bishop? Because then yes, you stick it in the bishop.
to be or not to be a bishop, that ist the question. He is a priest, though.
Bishop…priest…it’s all semantics. Give him the spork!
Who are you people!