A new study by the Institute of Applied Chaos at Feral Living University concludes that 9 out of 10 household accidents involving men named Miguel falling down the stairs in the dark on their way to the kitchen to make coffee before 6 in the morning are caused by cats.
“We decided to investigate the thought processes of cats,” says Professor Miguel Living, “And discovered some pretty astounding things.”
Using the latest technology, Prof. Living, (walking with a slight limp) was able to record the thoughts of a housecat.
“While we have so far recorded the thoughts of only one cat, we have no reason to believe that the conclusions we can draw from these transcripts shouldn’t apply to cats in general,” Prof. Living says.
The subject in question is a young, male, red, tiger-striped housecat, uncastrated although that is going to change this coming Friday. Here is a short excerpt:
- Okay! Who get up first? Kid easy to wake up, shoot, door closed and I not figure out door lever yet. Must wake the big ones. Ack, woman sound asleep, no response. Feh. Let’s give the man a little acupuncture. But first a quick little detour into the closet to climb a suit or two and sharpen claws… Ahh. Yes. Okay, onto bed. Whoa, there’s the alarm, man get up whoa nellie, hang on. Where he going, not so fast, must lick toes, hey dude, he put on socks, dang. Hang on, feet. Feet! Feets feets. Cuddling feet. Man like this. Feets. Me wrap around feets. Left foot, right foot. Hey, you carrying food? That food you carrying? Maybe a small child? Don’t hog the baby, man. Give me some. Heh. This great. God. Move it, man, we’re almost to the stairs! Oooh, feet on stairs. Feet, stairs, feet, stairs. Must show deference. I can climb his suits when he’s at work, not to mention pee on his stuff. Feet, in between feet. This is it. Feet, feet, feet. Must get as close as possible…
Plain People of Ireland: “Eh, the gag started out funny, but hrm… That sounds more like the way a dog would think. A cat would be more like, ‘Heh. Haven’t made old Mig fall down the stairs in ages, and we have a pool on. Don’t want to hurt him so bad he can’t open a can of food, of course…’ or something like that…”
Surely nothing so devious… “Die Miguel Die, for even contemplating taking my precious jewels from me” is more like it.
I’m with D on that. Never let a cat know you’re gonna go for his googlies.
Far as i know he doesn’t read this blog so I’m safe…
it’s difficult for me because i’m forgetful, but it would help if i could remember to always assume a cat underfoot. never take that footspace for granted.
it’s a good thing there are no stairs here, because i do forget.
I do read the site Miguel, and I can type better than any other cat out there.
I saw a very red cat in an issue of Cat Fancy (I checked it out from the library, I swear to everything blessed that I’m not a subscriber) named Moritz. I thought of you, thought of showing it off as “Miguel’s cat,” and then realized that no one else would know your cat.