On the value of money

It is important to make children earn their money, so that they appreciate its inherent value. My parents did this by not giving me any, which required me to earn it myself via various menial activities, which prepared me for adulthood.

My first grownup bicycle was a Puch Bergmeister 10-speed that I paid for with the money (all the money) I earned one raspberry season when I was 14.

Here in Austria, a civilized country, there are laws prohibiting that sort of child labour, which necessitates other methods of making children earn the money they receive prior to, say, a trip back to the U.S. to visit their relatives.

Scene: Back yard at dinner-time. Family is sitting down to dinner.

Man: WTF?[Gets up, catches cat.] WTF??? What’s stuck to Louie’s ass now? [Holds cat under his arm, waves around something green.] Look, a hundred dollar bill.

Family: Ew!

Man: Who wants it? Gamma, you want it? Here.

Girl: [Takes hundred dollar bill]

Man: For crying out loud, look, another one! Beta, you want it?

Girl 2: [Takes it]

Man: Geeze, Louie, what did you eat, man? Look, another one! [Gives it to first girl] For Pete’s sake, look, another one! Here! [Gives it to second girl]

Family: … [Look at each other with a new appreciation of the value of money]

Budget Energy

image0231A few days ago I bought this can on my lunchbreak, because I thought you might be interested in  budget energy. Here is my report:

Budget energy costs about one-third as much as regular energy. It is a little flatter, making you burp fewer pink-tasting burps.

It is much more subtle than regular energy. You barely notice it, in fact.

It lacks glamour, as you can already see from the can. No race car drivers are going to have anything to do with budget energy.

This has something to do, I suppose, with budget energy’s departure from the usual “color+animal” naming tradition.

Maybe all the good ones were taken.

“Golden Bat” would be nice, but that’s already a nasty brand of cigarettes in Japan.

Yellow Ferret.

I can imagine the naming meeting.

Budget energy is less for the disco – unless it is a budget disco – than for more philosophical pursuits, such as poisoning slugs.

Budget energy is definitely going to be in the next slug study.

Darkling I listen

John Keats was sitting at his kitchen table. Everyone else was asleep. He was drinking filter coffee and wishing espresso wasn’t such a pain in the ass to make.

It was very humid. He was trying to write something.

He wrote, “Blah, blah, blah.”

He wrote,

Darkling I listen; and, for many a time
I have been half in love with easeful Death,
Call’d him soft names in many a musèd rhyme,
To take into the air my quiet breath;
Now more than ever seems it rich to die,
To cease upon the midnight with no pain,
While thou art pouring forth thy soul abroad
In such an ecstasy!
Still wouldst thou sing, and I have ears in vain—
To thy high requiem become a…

John Keats took a drink of coffee. He wondered what time it was. He looked at the corner of the journal he was writing in, as if there would be a clock there, and marveled slightly at the way use of computers colors one’s use of print media.

“Darkling I listen,” he read.

Then the cat ran into the kitchen. It ran in circles as if something were chasing it. It stopped, then it started again, in full panic mode. John Keats squinted, and perceived that the cat had a petunia stuck to its asshole.

The cat ran back out of the kitchen.

John Keats went into the living room and meditated. Then he got the kid off to school, and went to work.

Something brief about playing the cello

So it’s been what, nine years roughly. And my teacher just now shows me this thing, a composition for three or more cellos, four basic patterns to be played at will, over and over, composed in such a way that no matter which patterns you play, or how you play them, they sound good together. And I was all, Wow, because I could, for once, not freak out about reading the notes or my intonation, I could concentrate on hearing and making the music.

And I was all, motherfucker, why didn’t you show me this nine years ago? And defenestrated him, finally.

Actually, I was all, why do these sound good together? and he was all, Pentatonic scale. And I was all, Ahah.

Because I’d had an idea for a composition that worked roughly that way (patterns played at will) but got busy with something else.

I was talking to a guitar-teacher friend who said improvisation is the highest form of music and I said, yeah, but you have to know what you’re doing and he said, What about you and the theremin? and I said, WTF is it with you music teachers? Actually, I said, I’m not claiming that’s a high form of music, what I do with the theremin. His point with the theremin was, most players are improvising without actually mastering the instrument, which is probably correct.

Where was I? Pentatonic notes on the cello. It sounded beautiful. I could play that all day long. I was all, This is why I’m studying this here instrument.

What is your utopia?

Gamma played in a piano concert last night and afterwards she was drinking Seven Up with her friend who also played and I was drinking beer with the friend’s parents at a table on the sidewalk outside this place that makes its own beer and sometimes, like apparently yesterday, hurries the beer a little with the result that it accelerates your digestion to a very remarkable degree the next day, because, man. And somehow I got on the subject of utopias, and how I think right now is a good time to be thinking about them, and about how things could be, because with so much going belly-up right now we have a choice between creating positive ideas or Dick Cheney firing bolts of explosive plasma from a flying chariot.

In my opinion.

What is your utopia?

My utopia is a good school system, including a new idea of what schools are and how they work. It is free health care and a ten hour work week. My utopia is a television channel that enables you to talk to the deceased, and a tree house. My utopia is a flying chariot that shoots bolts of explosive plasma, only I’m driving it.

An opera

Maria, Argentina, Cry, etc. etc.
or
Everything is better with slugs
an Opera
by
Mig Living

Scene I
Governor’s Mansion
Advisors:

Rising! Rising! You are a star!
Opportunistic cutthroats all
we drive the nation into the ground
and you are rising among us!
you are a star!

Chorus:
Sic!

Scene II
Governor’s office. He is alone, typing on computer.

Governor:

You are glorious!
I hope you understand!
Who needs shrinks???
Did you get my eamils?

Chorus:
Sic!

Governor:

Are you basking gloriously?
Are you holding something in the fading light?
Wow, what a rack!
I miss you unbeleivably

Chorus:
Sic!

Maria:
(Whom we hear but not see, only her words on a computer screen)

Hi beloved!
You’re a great kisser!
Crisp as new lettuce!
You make me feel like a teenager!
Soft and slimy!

I’am realized now
How it feels to realy love
I dream of embrassing you
Forever!!!1!

Chorus:
Sic!
Sic!
Sic!

Maria:
My address is (deleted by the State!)
Come to me
You leafy thing
Wet and crisp and tasty!!!

Scene III
In the wilderness

Governor:
Sweetest!
I am most jealous of your salad!
Stuck in world wind tour with family, China, Tibet, Nepal, India, Thailand, Hong Kong, all that shit
:(((
Then hanging with McCain :(((
Oh, the battle scars of life!
Missing your magnificent parts!1!
O sexual details at the steakhouse!
O 2 pathetic figures!
:)

Chorus:
Sic!

Maria:
I don’t know if I did understood
Your trips are unworthable, remember
You fullfile me with happiness
I don’t want to put the genius back in the bottle!
Freedom! Freedom!
Leafy, tasty freedom!

Chorus:
Sic! Sic! Sic!

Scene IV
Governor’s Mansion

First Lady:
She’s a what?
She’s a what?

First Advisor:
At least it’s not another woman!
Technically it’s not adultery

Second Advisor:
O shut up! Shut up!
Will you just shut up!

Shut up and let me think!

First Lady:
The man I married
and a slug?
Not even a house on her back?

Governor:
In my defense, it was dark.
Dark and moist
In the fading night’s light
O was it ever dark

Chorus:
Sic!

Advisors:
We must spin!
We must spin!
But how can this be spun???
:(((

First Lady:
You must confess!
Confess! Confess!
Apologize!!!!!

Governor:
What? What? What do you suggest?

Advisors:
What? Confess?
Never!

First Lady:
Confess!
Apologize!
I beseech you!
Just leave out the slug part!

Governor:
What? I am confused!
My head, my head.

Advisors:
The idea!
It is brilliant!
:)))
You must confess!
Just leave out the slug part!

(etc etc)

The Waste Land (v 2.0)

THE WASTE LAND

(from a manuscript recently discovered in the stuffing of a sock puppet)

“Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam
possit materiari?

I. THE BURIAL OF THE DEAD

I take it back, April is not the cruellest month,
But June, breeding
Slugs out of nowhere, geeze
Where do they all come from, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
Winter kept us warm, they say
Not much snow, and April, so hot, feeding
A little life with dried tubers.
Summer surprised you, didn’t it, dude?
Everything looked fine, the tomatoes so tall
Lettuce so lush, until, with a shower of rain, we swarmed
And went on in sunlight, into the Salatgarten,
And ate radishes, and talked for an hour.
Bin gar keine Schnecke, sondern Nacktschnecke, echt hungrig.
And when we were children, staying at the archduke’s,
My cousin’s, he took me out on a sled,
And I was frightened. He said, Marie,
Marie, hold on tight. And down we went.
In the mountains, there you feel free.
I read, much of the night, and go south in the winter.

What are the roots of that beet, whose branches are
So very tasty? Son of man,
You cannot say, or guess, for you know only
A heap of broken images, devoured beets,
And the dead row of peas gives no shelter, the cricket no relief,
And the dry stone no sound of water. Only
There is shadow under this red rock,
(Come in under the shadow of this red rock),
And I will show you something different from either
This is where we hide, nice and cool, during the day
When your shadow at evening rises to meet you;
We emerge, slimy flashmob, today’s the lettuce’s turn.
Frisch weht der Wind
Der Heimat zu
Mein Irisch Kind,
Wo weilest du?
Heulst salzig’ Tränen
Im Salatgarten!
“You gave me hyacinths first a year ago;
“They called me the hyacinth slug.”
– Yet when we came back, late, from the Hyacinth garden,
Our bellies full, and trail slimy and glittering
Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither
Living nor dead, and I knew nothing,
Looking into the heart of light, the silence.
I thought I would burst
Od’ und leer das Meer.

Madame Sosostris, famous clairvoyante,
Had a bad cold, nevertheless
Is known to be the wisest woman in Europe,
With a wicked pack of cards. Here, said she,
Is your card, the drowned Phoenician Sailor,
(Floating belly-up in Schwechater. Look!)
Here is Belladonna, we’ll skip her
Kids read this blog
Here is the man with saucers, and here the ale,
And here is the desperate gardener, and this card,
Which is blank, is something he carries on his back,
Which I am forbidden to see. I do not find
The Hanged Man. Fear death by flat beer.
I see crowds of people, reading about this on Twitter.
Thank you. If you see dear Mrs. Equitone,
Tell her I bring the horoscope myself:
One must be so careful these days.

Unreal City,
Under the foggy dew of an Austrian dawn,
A crowd flowed over Mig’s vegetable garden, so many,
I had not thought death had undone so many.
Sighs, short and infrequent, were exhaled,
And each slug fixed his eyes upon a saucer full of beer.
Flowed up the rim and down into it, kersplash
To where Saint Mary Woolnoth kept the hours
With a dead sound on the final stroke of nine.
There I saw one I knew, and stopped him, crying “Yo, Mig!
“You who planted me the red beets and peas!
“That lettuce you planted last week in your garden,
“Has it begun to sprout? Will it bloom this week?
“Or have we sudden slugs disturbed its bed?