Mig: Arrgh.
Beta: EMOL
Alpha: Your back again, honey?
Mig: Maybe if you massage it, the spasms will stop.
Gamma: Thanks for getting me the princess veil at the medieval festival.
Mig: You’re our little princess. Arrgh!!!
Beta: XNOR.
Alpha: Remember what happened last time. It just got worse.
Mig: It couldn’t get any worse.
Beta: FLOYMZ.
Gamma: I don’t know who I want to marry yet, but he will be big, and handsome, and nice, and have time for me and our children.
Gamma: [Dramatic pause] Just like daddy.
Mig: Aww.
Mig: Arrgh!! Jesus!!! Oh!!! OH, FOR F*CK!!!!! Arrgh!!!!
Alpha: I warned you. Now you’re paralyzed with muscle spasms and I feel guilty because I’m Catholic.
Beta: MOZ.
Beta: Okay, finished.
Alpha: More alphabet soup, Beta?
Beta: Yes, please.
[The next day, Monday]
Gamma: Lucky today is a holiday for you, dad.
Mig: Yep.
Gamma: I never knew a grownup who had to be helped getting dressed before.
Mig: Eh, well. I remember tieing my dad’s shoes when I was your age.
Gamma: Hahahaha. I can tie shoes, no problem.
Mig: We’ll go with the flipflops, that eliminates the sock problem.

Alpha and I celebrate the 24th anniversary of our first kiss today.

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On the plus side, my wife puts out hedgehog food and sits on the steps at night with a glass of nice red and observes the little guys’ behavior and interactions as they come to dine. It calms her and makes her happy. It’s like being married to Jane Goodall without having to deal with monkeys.

Also on the plus side is there are fewer mosquitos.

On the minus side is the mosquitos that remain are

1. Tough and evasive little bastards

2. Desperate

Take the two in my bathroom this morning. Please.

Normally, the time I spend in the bathroom in the mornings is when I get the peace that sustains me throughout the rest of my day. Today these two little guys just wouldn’t leave me alone. I went after them with a rolled up Japan Times for a while, but finally gave up. They’d fly up to the light in the ceiling, which would dazzle me, and then they’d fly somewhere else and I wouldn’t see where etc etc.

When I was shaving, I’d had enough and went after them again, and overlooked a cabinet and thought I’d broken my hand. I finished shaving, holding the Bic disposable razor between my thumb and the only finger that wasn’t temporarily paralyzed and fled the room.

Then I drove Beta to school. I had a nice summer, but I sure missed those drives.

Your score was 13 out of a possible 15
Pat yourself on the back. What a flawless performance. You are the ideal partner. You can read the opposite sex like a book. You know that when a man says ‘I love you’ he really means ‘let’s have sex’ which means there’s not much confusion in your relationship and you both know what you want. You, my friend, have a secret weapon. Use it to your advantage.

You know about these already, right?

“Let’s say your mother died this summer…”