The sky couldn’t decide what it wanted to do this morning. It started out raining at my house, but by the time I got my umbrella packed into the car it had stopped. Then it restarted and rained off and on as I drove to work. The clouds were low and not really serious about raining though and by the outskirts of Vienna it was like, fog or rain? Mist or what? The windshield wipers worked most of the way. When they stopped, all I had to do was wiggle the wiper lever and they’d restart every time.

It was good deer weather and I saw two in a field by the road.

My thoughts on the way in revolved around two or three ideas that I forget now. One thought I remember was looking forward to a pain pill. I don’t take them until I get to work since I consider the Dobl

When I was a boy, I thought “Playboy photographer” would be the perfect job.
More recently, I thought, “guy who builds fun habitats for animals.”
Now I’m thinking “test subject for side-effect studies,” because I’m experiencing just about everything listed on that sheet of warnings that came with my painkillers.
Disorientation? Crankiness? Hornets flying out my ass? Check.
Flatulence? Sorry.

What would your ideal job be?

Mig: Arrgh.
Beta: EMOL
Alpha: Your back again, honey?
Mig: Maybe if you massage it, the spasms will stop.
Gamma: Thanks for getting me the princess veil at the medieval festival.
Mig: You’re our little princess. Arrgh!!!
Beta: XNOR.
Alpha: Remember what happened last time. It just got worse.
Mig: It couldn’t get any worse.
Beta: FLOYMZ.
Gamma: I don’t know who I want to marry yet, but he will be big, and handsome, and nice, and have time for me and our children.
Gamma: [Dramatic pause] Just like daddy.
Mig: Aww.
Mig: Arrgh!! Jesus!!! Oh!!! OH, FOR F*CK!!!!! Arrgh!!!!
Alpha: I warned you. Now you’re paralyzed with muscle spasms and I feel guilty because I’m Catholic.
Beta: MOZ.
Beta: Okay, finished.
Alpha: More alphabet soup, Beta?
Beta: Yes, please.
[The next day, Monday]
Gamma: Lucky today is a holiday for you, dad.
Mig: Yep.
Gamma: I never knew a grownup who had to be helped getting dressed before.
Mig: Eh, well. I remember tieing my dad’s shoes when I was your age.
Gamma: Hahahaha. I can tie shoes, no problem.
Mig: We’ll go with the flipflops, that eliminates the sock problem.

Alpha and I celebrate the 24th anniversary of our first kiss today.

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On the plus side, my wife puts out hedgehog food and sits on the steps at night with a glass of nice red and observes the little guys’ behavior and interactions as they come to dine. It calms her and makes her happy. It’s like being married to Jane Goodall without having to deal with monkeys.

Also on the plus side is there are fewer mosquitos.

On the minus side is the mosquitos that remain are

1. Tough and evasive little bastards

2. Desperate

Take the two in my bathroom this morning. Please.

Normally, the time I spend in the bathroom in the mornings is when I get the peace that sustains me throughout the rest of my day. Today these two little guys just wouldn’t leave me alone. I went after them with a rolled up Japan Times for a while, but finally gave up. They’d fly up to the light in the ceiling, which would dazzle me, and then they’d fly somewhere else and I wouldn’t see where etc etc.

When I was shaving, I’d had enough and went after them again, and overlooked a cabinet and thought I’d broken my hand. I finished shaving, holding the Bic disposable razor between my thumb and the only finger that wasn’t temporarily paralyzed and fled the room.

Then I drove Beta to school. I had a nice summer, but I sure missed those drives.

Your score was 13 out of a possible 15
Pat yourself on the back. What a flawless performance. You are the ideal partner. You can read the opposite sex like a book. You know that when a man says ‘I love you’ he really means ‘let’s have sex’ which means there’s not much confusion in your relationship and you both know what you want. You, my friend, have a secret weapon. Use it to your advantage.