In the spirit of Art’s Birthday, which today is, namely participatory and cooperative creation of art, it is a great pleasure to announce this year’s Metamorphosism International Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest.
Over the years, hundreds of brilliant limericks have seen the light of day thanks to this contest, and we are looking forward to seeing a lot this year. As always, there are rules which, as always, are subject to arbitrary change at my whim, at short notice and unannounced. The decisions of the judge will be final. There will be at least two prizes this year, maybe more. Contact me if you have a prize you’d like to donate. My email is metamorphosist@gmail.com. Two prizes have already been donated, one by Bran, her book The Slow-Moving Person’s Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse: A How-to for the Survival of the Unfit, and the other by me (with fine-art illustrations by Bran), namely a remaining copy of my book Little-Known Facts about Various Marine-Dwelling Animals (if I can find it in my messy studio).
The rules: (NOTE UNFAIR AND ARBITRARY RULE CHANGES MADE ON 7 FEBRUARY 2012 SUPERCEDING PREVIOUS RULE CHANGES)
- Entries must be genuine limericks. Look up what a limerick is before entering if you don’t know.
- Make entries as comments to this post.
- Include a valid email address so I can contact you if necessary. Emails are not published.
- Limericks are famous for being raunchy, so this contest is open only to people old enough to be writing raunchy limericks, even if the actual limericks you enter are not raunchy, because there is a chance you will at least be reading raunchy limericks.
- These are limericks, and the contest is for Valentine’s Day, so thematically they should include something related to love and/or sex, requited or not. Obsession, attraction, etc. are also okay.
- Deadline is February 13, 2012, because the winners will be announced with much fanfare on February 14, 2012. It is the last Valentine’s Day in the history of mankind, if the Mayans are right, so make your entries count.
- I would like to publish a volume of the best entries from past years, so by entering you are giving me permission to (possibly) publish your entry in such a volume, without remuneration (any profits will be donated to charity). Otherwise all rights remain with authors.
- Extra points: (Be sure and read this rule; it is practically impossible to win without extra credit) Extra credit is awarded this year for references to / incorporation of the following: MARITIME DISASTERS, STRIPPERS, POLITICAL SCANDALS, AND SPERM DONATION
H.P. Lovecraft, Australian place names (especially Wollongong and Tweed Heads), esoteric philosophy, and wrestling holds. New entries following the previous, superceded rules will be DISQUALIFIED. literary parody (especially Cormac McCarthy), obscure sciences, consequences of environmental pollution, various chimera by name, Japanese Noh theater actors, anthropological concepts, functional recipes, and types of knots. And the apocalypse. - You may enter as often as you like. Multiple entries are encouraged, and improve your chances of winning.
- You are encouraged to spread the word about this contest.
- Have a nice day.
- PS on your way out, why not go watch my videos on youtube? (IMPORTANT: According to my youtube stats, many of you have not been following this rule!)
- Or go take a look at the 2009 contest, which was a very good year for poetry.
(Many thanks to bran for this year’s logo!)
Ollie North, he was sure looking smart,
When he spoke on TV of his part,
An Iran-Contra dealer,
He was quite a scene stealer,
And from ladies won many a heart.
These two go together.
Gordon Lightfoot’s great ballad is long,
For he tells the whole story in song,
Not of love, but romantic,
(Though the families were frantic),
Of how quickly things went very wrong.
And the families to this day must wonder.
If the freighter was torn all asunder,
‘Twas a very great cost,
Twenty-nine lives were lost,
When the Edmund Fitzgerald went under.
From Wikipedia: “The SS Edmund Fitzgerald was an American Great Lakes freighter that made headlines after sinking in a Lake Superior storm on November 10, 1975, with the loss of the entire crew of 29.”
It must have been faulty semantics.
I thought we’d rent one of the classics.
My ex-love, instead.
Picked Titantic in bed.
He thought he’d see plenty tit antics.
They pay pretty well at the bank
For deposits from Hankerin’ Hank.
$15 a pound
When he just comes around
Makes him $33 a yank.
That would be the sperm bank, of course.
Another typo in my haste to post. I figure you’re getting sick of me constantly posting re-writes, but the meter’s messed up and I know better. I’ll try again at the risk of getting banished from the contest.
Please allow a rewrite:
ONLINE DATING PROFILE
State your name: Peter Atticus Longindong
Name your school: University Wollongong
School of thought: Esoteric
List your job: I’m a cleric
Leisure time: Tantric sexual clawin’ thong
We know, gals, what show-gals you are,
But I still think it’s sorta bizarre
That while Annabelle’s stocks
Rose as hot Fanne Foxe,
Fannie Belle’s did as well, as Blaze Starr.
Not that their ascents were simultaneous.
Blaze Starr, nee Fannie Belle Fleming, and Gov. Earl Long of Louisiana were an item in the 1950s, after Long saw her at the Sho-Bar on Bourbon Street in New Orleans, until his death in 1960. Annabelle Batistella, aka Fanne Fox the Argentine Firecracker, made headlines in 1974 when she jumped into the Tidal Basin in Washington, DC, after a park police officer stopped the car in which she was riding with House Ways and Means Chairman Wilbur Mills of Arkansas.
Long, despite a stay in a local loony bin, remained governor. Mills resigned his chairmanship, but was reelected to Congress.
Very impressed by how #156 subtly combines showgirls, political scandal, sperm donation and marine catastrophes in 5 short lines.
Not to mention that slick internal rhyme, or the interesting similarities in the women’s names. It’s almost like that Lincoln/Kennedy parallel urban legend thing. (see snopes: http://www.snopes.com/history/american/lincoln-kennedy.asp) (hey if everyone else is going to include links I will too)
There is something, seems almost psychotic,
About men with their dancers exotic,
They risk their good name,
Can lose all they have gained,
In their thirst for sensations erotic.
Newt Gingrich and his fans all agree,
No cheating on wife number three,
Some Republicans say,
They are hoping he’ll stray,
So he won’t be the new nominee!
Rewrite:
They pay pretty well at the bank
For deposits from Hankerin’ Hank.
$15 a pound
When he just comes around
Makes him almost two fifty a yank.
“Some magazines to help your libido,”
Were the words that were said to Candido,
Wanting no observation.
Of the bank visitation,
His donation was made incognito.
This is funny: http://www.thesmokingjacket.com/entertainment/lab-rat-visits-the-sperm-bank
Now that the topic includes strippers, repost with slight change
Dripping wet at the pool stood sweet Jeanie.
Pete assessed her physique and bikini.
“I don’t mean to impose,
Wanna strip those soaked clothes
And slip into a tall, dry martini?”
Here’s a tale about Anthony Weiner
(Close your eyes if you loathe bad demeanor),
Cuz with Favre, you know Brett,
He has formed a duet —
Two twits who each twittered their weiner.
Learian ending.
I’m nothing if not mistake prone. That should be tweet, not twitter.
Here’s a tale about Anthony Weiner,
Close your eyes if you loathe bad demeanor,
Cuz with Favre (you know, Bret)
He has formed a duet
Of two fools who each tweeted their weiner.
Drat! Messed up again. This is the way I really want it –>
Here’s a tale about Anthony Weiner,
Close your eyes if you loathe bad demeanor),
Cuz with Favre, you know Brett,
He has formed a duet –
Two twits who each tweeted their weiner.
A devious flight attendant named Marion
Smuggled pets for a handsome veterinarian
They caused such commotion
The plane crashed into the ocean
And now sea creatures are collecting her carrion
A good sample should be white to gray,
And opaque, at least that’s what they say,
All this did Mike learn,
When he donated sperm,
And found out that there’s not any pay!
http://www.thesmokingjacket.com/entertainment/lab-rat-visits-the-sperm-bank
With Lewinsky, Bill does what he does,
But he lies about just what it was,
They impeach him for that,
But the trial falls flat,
He gets off and the whole world’s abuzz!
Why, thank you, sir! A contemporary account of the Mills-Batistella matter included the immortal lines
She was only a stripper from the Silver Slipper
But she had her ways and means.
Going back to the very early CE,
Said Sally, an early ecdysiast,
“Oh, Harry, John B. says a sleazy past
Is the present for you
And my ma. It ain’t true,
So just hand me his head, and he’s greasy-assed.”
Salome couldn’t say “his ass is grass” because English hadn’t yet been invented.
This one’s just for fun. If you wonder why, look at 71 and 72.
Some advice to fit for all the sweet Jeanies,
Don’t strip. Don’t drink any martinis.
Don’t go off with a Peter,
Or a rhyming name either,
And for God’s sake, don’t touch any weenies.
Another just for fun.
To Jeanie: Don’t listen to Jann
Cuz Pete is your number one fan.
Says Jann: Bad demeanor
Watch out for his weiner
Where there’s fire there’s a hot frying pan.
Pretty weak, Jann. But I only had 5 minutes.
Well, I’ll just let Jann speak for herself if she’s so inclined.
Not bad, for five minutes, Jeter. But, once warned, the Jeanies are on their own. Now back to those shipwrecks.
Suzanne liked to daydream with pleasure,
Of finding a wrecked ship with treasure,
Counting pieces of eight,
With her beau would be great,
As would being a lady of leisure.
Now strippers can get tickets too,
It depends upon just what they do,
A cop undercover,
Was quick to discover,
That Sue showed too much of her woo.
Happened to someone I know.
Left to drift through the blood-thickened water,
Severed torsos and heads from the slaughter,
Desquamation and thirst
Was all part of our worst
Naval loss. Pray for each son and daughter.
This from http://www.ussindianapolis.org/:
“At 12:14 a.m. on July 30, 1945, the USS Indianapolis was torpedoed by a Japanese submarine in the Philippine Sea and sank in 12 minutes. Of 1,196 men on board, approximately 300 went down with the ship. The remainder, about 900 men, were left floating in shark-infested waters with no lifeboats and most with no food or water. The ship was never missed, and by the time the survivors were spotted by accident four days later only 316 men were still alive.”
It has been called the worst Naval disaster in U.S. History. The ship had just delivered the enriched uranium used in the atomic bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Because their mission was secret, it took nearly 4 days before the disaster was discovered. The shark attacks left severed bodies bobbing in the water. Of the 300 survivors, one lived out the rest of his life in my small hometown of 6,000 people. Unlike 900 of his compatriots, he received Valentine’s Day cards from his daughter.
Tom’s buds wanted him to be hipper,
They arranged for a date with a stripper,
By nature quite pure,
Tommy said he was sure,
That he’d rather observe the Big Dipper.
This described my father.
A divorce on St. Valentine’s Day
Kicked him out, sent him drifting away.
He set sail through the blues,
He found strippers and booze.
Here we’ll find ‘im – morality play.
AS I said before, I’m very mistake-prone. Line 4 of #177 should start “Were” not “Was”.
I believe that should be line 4 of #176. But you know, Jeter, I like the limerick and I didn’t even notice that!
Weird. It shows as #177 on my screen. Thanks.
How is that possible?
This is #177
Jann wrote:
Tom’s buds wanted him to be hipper,
They arranged for a date with a stripper,
By nature quite pure,
Tommy said he was sure,
That he’d rather observe the Big Dipper.
This described my father.
Friday, February 10, 2012 at 10:18 pm | Permalink
On my screen the one you just posted is #184. This one will become 185. I don’t know how it’s possible. Every time someone here refers to a previous lim the numbering is off by one on my screen. I’m too inept at computers to even have a clue what’s going on. I’m the guy who limmed that Congressman Weiner and Brett Favre twittered obscene pictures. Then I changed it to tweeted. I realize now that they “texted” or “sexted” instead. I’m apparently the only one in the world wide web who can screw up the numbering, too. I’m outta my league.
it’s a parallel universe thing. that happens a lot on this blog.
Sounds very esoteric.
Seems Mark for a time lost his head,
Took an Argentine beauty to bed,
He told his detail,
He was hiking a trail,
And forgot for a week he was wed.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_Sanford_disappearance_and_extramarital_affair
Coincidentally, I wrote an opera about that: http://www.metamorphosism.com/?p=3016
Yes, Mig, I remembered the opera and the associated comments; and that’s what caused me to think of this topic for a limerick ;-)
The upside and downside of stripping.
Some girls are enticed into stripping,
And impressed by some generous tipping,
At one grand a day,
They’re encouraged to stay,
Earn their pay as they watch men unzipping.
These girls dance for money and thrills,
And the brief self esteem it instills,
But for most it’s a jinx,
As a lifestyle it stinks,
Somehow love and good friendships it kills.
Bill Clinton’s career was a mess
After Monica made him confess
To amusing himself
By abusing himself
And then blowing his muck on her dress
The Costa Concordia’s cap’n
Let his girlfriend drive while he went crappin’
“Can you steer for a bit
While I go for a shit,
Ah go on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
Nurse, here’s a bit of advice:
While Playboy and Penthouse are nice,
In these days of computers
Mere pictures of hooters
In old magazines won’t suffice.
Prince Albert was brought to euphoria
By the sight of his lovely Victoria
And when he felt the need
To donate his seed
She went down like the Andrea Doria.
Rush Limbaugh’s fourth wedding drew near.
In a liberal show of good cheer,
He shelled out a million
And rocked crocodilian —
A choice that his listeners thought queer.
In 2010, Rush Limbaugh, the most popular radio talk show entertainer in the United States, reportedly paid one million dollars to Sir Elton John, a popular English musician, to perform at the wedding reception for Limbaugh’s fourth marriage. Many of Limbaugh’s detractors thought this to be the height of hypocrisy seeing as how he frequently spoke out on his radio program against same-sex marriage, and Elton John was openly married to his same-sex husband.
“The Arnold”, who was gov of CA,
(Though it now seems we should have kept Gray),
Of his children, there’s one,
Who’s the housekeeper’s son,
Boffed his maid, and that none can gainsay.
Father, I’ve sinned. I confess.
My secret has caused great distress.
My tryst with a nun
Started out as great fun
Till she left me for you! … I digress.
Schnitzi may have saved his/her best for last. Good stuff, good stuff.
St. Valentine’s Day’s coming soon.
It’s a choc’late and rose-sellers’ boon.
Will your loved one come through
And make festive ado?
Or just buy you a five-buck balloon?