In the spirit of Art’s Birthday, which today is, namely participatory and cooperative creation of art, it is a great pleasure to announce this year’s Metamorphosism International Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest.
Over the years, hundreds of brilliant limericks have seen the light of day thanks to this contest, and we are looking forward to seeing a lot this year. As always, there are rules which, as always, are subject to arbitrary change at my whim, at short notice and unannounced. The decisions of the judge will be final. There will be at least two prizes this year, maybe more. Contact me if you have a prize you’d like to donate. My email is metamorphosist@gmail.com. Two prizes have already been donated, one by Bran, her book The Slow-Moving Person’s Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse: A How-to for the Survival of the Unfit, and the other by me (with fine-art illustrations by Bran), namely a remaining copy of my book Little-Known Facts about Various Marine-Dwelling Animals (if I can find it in my messy studio).
The rules: (NOTE UNFAIR AND ARBITRARY RULE CHANGES MADE ON 7 FEBRUARY 2012 SUPERCEDING PREVIOUS RULE CHANGES)
- Entries must be genuine limericks. Look up what a limerick is before entering if you don’t know.
- Make entries as comments to this post.
- Include a valid email address so I can contact you if necessary. Emails are not published.
- Limericks are famous for being raunchy, so this contest is open only to people old enough to be writing raunchy limericks, even if the actual limericks you enter are not raunchy, because there is a chance you will at least be reading raunchy limericks.
- These are limericks, and the contest is for Valentine’s Day, so thematically they should include something related to love and/or sex, requited or not. Obsession, attraction, etc. are also okay.
- Deadline is February 13, 2012, because the winners will be announced with much fanfare on February 14, 2012. It is the last Valentine’s Day in the history of mankind, if the Mayans are right, so make your entries count.
- I would like to publish a volume of the best entries from past years, so by entering you are giving me permission to (possibly) publish your entry in such a volume, without remuneration (any profits will be donated to charity). Otherwise all rights remain with authors.
- Extra points: (Be sure and read this rule; it is practically impossible to win without extra credit) Extra credit is awarded this year for references to / incorporation of the following: MARITIME DISASTERS, STRIPPERS, POLITICAL SCANDALS, AND SPERM DONATION
H.P. Lovecraft, Australian place names (especially Wollongong and Tweed Heads), esoteric philosophy, and wrestling holds. New entries following the previous, superceded rules will be DISQUALIFIED. literary parody (especially Cormac McCarthy), obscure sciences, consequences of environmental pollution, various chimera by name, Japanese Noh theater actors, anthropological concepts, functional recipes, and types of knots. And the apocalypse. - You may enter as often as you like. Multiple entries are encouraged, and improve your chances of winning.
- You are encouraged to spread the word about this contest.
- Have a nice day.
- PS on your way out, why not go watch my videos on youtube? (IMPORTANT: According to my youtube stats, many of you have not been following this rule!)
- Or go take a look at the 2009 contest, which was a very good year for poetry.
(Many thanks to bran for this year’s logo!)
Dripping wet at the pool stood sweet Jeanie.
Pete assessed her physique and bikini.
“I don’t mean to impose,
Wanna shed those soaked clothes
And slip into a tall, dry martini?”
Jann, yes I got the literary critique in your double lim. I just forgot to include it in my list.
Pingback: Metamorphosism › Travelkind
The awaking Great Old One, Cthulhu
Wrote a death threat to God, in Hebrew
But the postman couldn’t read
His demonic screed
And delivered it to Woolloomooloo
* maybe change ‘death threat’ to ‘love letter’ as it’s for Valentine’s Day and all?
death threat, love letter, it all comes out the same in the wash, right?
STATEMENT OF THE RULES: “New entries following the previous, superceded rules will be DISQUALIFIED’
STATEMENT OF “TRACKBACK/PINGBACK”: “I have changed the rules to this year’s limerick contest”
So does that mean all previous submissions before the rule change will not be judged? Or will it be judged under the old rules? Or are all previous limericks disqualified from the game completely? What kind of strange place have I found myself?
Joe Perth was a Canberra dweller,
He liked wrestling his wife in the cellar,
With a good camel clutch,
Or a clawhold, or such,
Of his love, that’s the way he would tell her.
When I write a limerick under the new rules, I feel I need to post it right away before they change again ;-)
Harry Cairns was a Fremantle resident,
And inclined toward an esoteric sentiment,
For his lady love named Maura,
Had a very lovely aura,
And the Odic force was thus completely evident.
Jann, can you explain the rules? Are all the old thrown out? Are we starting over? Are there two contests now? Are all the limericks thrown in together and judged against each other such that the winner can come from either grouping? I’m confused.
“Lovecraft’s a favorite of mine —
Sends shivers the length of my spine.”
This she said on our date.
Wow, I found a soul mate!
Then the book she showed off was my sign.
(So. You thought of a better punch line?)
In the dark, with a lit candelabra
Crept in stealth a recruit of the Fatah
From behind came a touch
Then a quick camel clutch
And H.P. exclaimed “that’s quite macabre!”
A camel clutch is a wrestler’s hold. H.P. Lovecraft was a writer of macabre, weird science fiction. This lim is weaker than my great grandmother’s 15 year old Yorkie.
I believe that all the limericks will be judged by the rules in effect when they were posted. One contest. No worries :-) (Just be sure to check the rules for changes before posting.)
Thank you for answering.
Legspread? I’ve a Master’s Degree!
Breast smother, crossface? Whoopee!
Knee lift? Uncontrolled …
What’s that? WRESTler hold?!!
It sounded like Lovecraft to me.
Actually they ARE wrestler holds according to this:
http://www.mixedwrestlingholdsgallery.com/holds/index.html
RE-WRITE ALERT!
“Lovecraft’s been a favorite of mine –
Sends shivers the length of my spine.”
This was said on our date —
Wow, I found a soul mate!
Then she left for the bookstore. My sign.
(What? You thought of a better punch line?)
In Melbourne lived a good wife named Lulu,
Who lived in great fear of Cthulhu,
Although frozen with dread,
She was quite good in bed,
Never fear, love, for divorce I’ll not sue you.
For pronunciation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkGqJqvWOUs
@ comment 106.: I don’t see anything unclear about NEW entries following the SUPERCEDED rules being DISQUALIFIED.
also, I propose extra points for limericks including wollongong (with the correct syllables stressed)and tweed heads.
(The webmaster responds: your proposed rule changes have been implemented)
Partly rugose and utterly squamous,
It attacked as I donned my pajamous.
With a Tonga death grip
It made my heart flip
And we’ll honeymoon in the Bahamous.
Gory special, Death Star, Tree of Woe
Have all ravaged my heart, and I know
Har Megiddo is not
A salubrious spot
To recover. Mount Beauty? Let’s go!
We should incorporate a name that even residents pronounce in various ways?
Armageddon approaches. The strong
Stomp the weak, and it cannot be long
Till we folk in Tweed Heads
All are fried in our beds.
O my love, let us go to the Gong.
Chthulugirl has an ebook of all of Lovecraft’s solo work, here
http://cthulhuchick.com/free-complete-lovecraft-ebook-nook-kindle/
A spirited young lady from WOLlongong,
One DAY started belting out the Hula Song,
Said her lover, thought sappy,
There’s a reason she’s happy,
She plays tennis just like Evonne Goolagong.
To hear pronunciation: http://oald8.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/dictionary/wollongong
A strapping young braggart from Perth,
Sought to prove to his lady his worth,
Tried to wrestle, gung-HO,
Quickly lost (Tree of woe),
And his sweetheart could not hide her mirth.
The Tree of Woe is a wrestling hold:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Professional_wrestling_holds#Tree_of_Woe
Might “rougeous” in my first verse be changed to “rugose,” please?
(fixed it – Mig)
A happy young matron from Tweed Heads,
In her garden plucked off all the seed heads,
Then she and her hubby,
Got all lubby dubby,
And right in the midst of the reed beds!
ONLINE DATING PROFILE
State your name: Peter Atticus Longindong
Name your school: University Wollongong
School of thought: Esoteric
State your job: I’m a cleric
Leisure time: Mostly girlfriend clawin’ thong
(Jeter, sorry my spam filter ate your first 2 tries with this one; if that happens again to anyone mail me and I’ll despam it – Mig)
There are a lot of good entries in this contest, but Jann, I gotta say #123 has to be in the running for top prize. You mixed an Australian place, a wrestler’s hold and a sweetheart into a seamless story. The measure of a good entry in this contest is blending all the random elements into something that tells a story (at least that’s what it would be if I were judge) and you hit that one out of the park.
I’m enjoying every one of these!
Thank you kindly, Jeter.
ALERT! clicking on the sidebar to enter THIS contest will take you to a DIFFERENT contest!!!
(Fixed it, thanks for the heads-up, Jann. -Mig)
RE #130. I’ve already exposed my ignorance of all things technological so I don’t know why I should be reluctant to show my ignorance one more time, but I am. Nevertheless, I don’t know how to click on the sidebar. I hit the “One Trackback/Pingback” thingy and got to Beta’s blog (now I know what Beta refers to), but that must not be what you’re talking about.
One more thing. I was going to wait until this contest is over to say this, but since you brought up other contests I’ll say it now. You folks who are interested in limericks should go to the Ominficent English Dictionary in Limerick Form — OEDILF where Chris J. Strolin started a site where every English word in the dictionary will be defined in limericks. Jann, you and other should join in the project. Just google “OEDILF”.
In Y’ha-nthlei they hold a regatta
And invite girls from Coolangatta
They spike the tequilas
Of the innocent Sheilas
And eat them pan-fried in batter
(Due to a technical problem, this entry by LAWRENCE was initially eaten by my blog interface. Sorry, Lawrence.)
Near Sydney at an Esoteric Meetup,
Lovers Jimmy and Sue are all keyed up,
The “Looking Glass” reflects,
And could help them with sex,
And now Sue’s on her back with her feet up!
http://www.meetup.com/Looking-Glass
It’s good to see new faces, around here. Thanks for joining in, new folks.
Worms, ants, rats, and their underground fellows
emerge from beneath making crowds on the surface
they get annoyed as the earth is trembling
another crack another hole on another day
http://tiyolyrics.blogspot.com/2012/02/circle-of-fire.html
I keep hearing world news and it’s sucky,
For everyone from Brisbane to Truckee,
If predictions are true,
There’s still one thing to do,
Come 12-20 everyone should “get lucky.”
“We are one,” said the Master Koot Hoomi,
“Whether you coochie-coo or eschew me.”
Bemused and beguiled,
Shub-Niggurath smiled.
“Should I eat you, would you become gloomy?”
I live by a creed esoteric
Enlightened to me by a cleric.
I fight off bad karma
In consult with dharma
Widda password that’s alphanumeric.
When apocalypse comes, if it does
Can you picture the gathering buzz
Of survivors in love
Who’ve gotten rid of
Their spouses. No lawyers. Because.
I apologize, but request another revision, this one to my latest verse. In the shower today, I realized that, rather than
“Should I eat you, would you become gloomy?”
I’d prefer
“I engulfed him, but, gee, he got gloomy.”
Thank you
Whether Christian, or Buddhist, or Jew,
Our EsoTERic Science MEETup’s for you,
In Sydney, or near about,
Rudolf Steiner you’ll hear about,
Bring your sweetheart; our chairs all seat two.
http://www.meetup.com/Esoteric-Science-Meetup-Group
Rudolf Steiner was an Austrian philosopher, social reformer, architect and esotericist, see:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rudolf_Steiner
As long as we’re doing revisions, here’s the revised version of # 133.
In Sydney, at an Esoteric Meetup,
Rick was hoping Pam’s’s passions would heat up,
The “Looking Glass” reflects,
Can help people with sex,
He wanted Pam on her back with her feet up.
http://www.meetup.com/Looking-Glass
But without the extra “‘s” in the second line!
PLEASE NOTE: IF YOU INCLUDE LINKS IN YOUR ENTRY, MY SPAM FILTER WILL USUALLY BLOCK YOUR COMMENT. I go in and unblock it, but it’s extra work for everyone. Also, it sometimes blocks nasty words, but don’t worry about that, these are limericks after all.
It only seems to be a problem if I include *two* links – so I won’t do that any more.
Sorry, Mig, and thanks.
John Profumo, he went on a spree,
But Miss Keeler was something to see,
She was easy to bed,
And the boys all said,
“Can I get one just like that for me?!”
Profumo, British secretary of State for War, resigned in disgrace in 1963 after a brief affair with call girl Christine Keeler. And boys in my HS really did say things like that.
The Concordia’s captain took flight
To a place where they don’t extradite
Of his girlfriend he snapped
“She’s a pole-dancing Lapp
Not a lap-dancing Pole, get it right!”
There was a young fellow called Matt
Whose party trick sometimes fell flat
He’d make the girls squirm
By burping his worm
And catching the jizz in his hat
There’s a teacher in jail in LA,
For bad things, and locked up he should stay,
He blindfolded kids,
And then fed them his jizz,
On spoons or on cookies they say.
True story, and apparently it’s been going on for years.