In the spirit of Art’s Birthday, which today is, namely participatory and cooperative creation of art, it is a great pleasure to announce this year’s Metamorphosism International Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest.
Over the years, hundreds of brilliant limericks have seen the light of day thanks to this contest, and we are looking forward to seeing a lot this year. As always, there are rules which, as always, are subject to arbitrary change at my whim, at short notice and unannounced. The decisions of the judge will be final. There will be at least two prizes this year, maybe more. Contact me if you have a prize you’d like to donate. My email is metamorphosist@gmail.com. Two prizes have already been donated, one by Bran, her book The Slow-Moving Person’s Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse: A How-to for the Survival of the Unfit, and the other by me (with fine-art illustrations by Bran), namely a remaining copy of my book Little-Known Facts about Various Marine-Dwelling Animals (if I can find it in my messy studio).
The rules: (NOTE UNFAIR AND ARBITRARY RULE CHANGES MADE ON 7 FEBRUARY 2012 SUPERCEDING PREVIOUS RULE CHANGES)
- Entries must be genuine limericks. Look up what a limerick is before entering if you don’t know.
- Make entries as comments to this post.
- Include a valid email address so I can contact you if necessary. Emails are not published.
- Limericks are famous for being raunchy, so this contest is open only to people old enough to be writing raunchy limericks, even if the actual limericks you enter are not raunchy, because there is a chance you will at least be reading raunchy limericks.
- These are limericks, and the contest is for Valentine’s Day, so thematically they should include something related to love and/or sex, requited or not. Obsession, attraction, etc. are also okay.
- Deadline is February 13, 2012, because the winners will be announced with much fanfare on February 14, 2012. It is the last Valentine’s Day in the history of mankind, if the Mayans are right, so make your entries count.
- I would like to publish a volume of the best entries from past years, so by entering you are giving me permission to (possibly) publish your entry in such a volume, without remuneration (any profits will be donated to charity). Otherwise all rights remain with authors.
- Extra points: (Be sure and read this rule; it is practically impossible to win without extra credit) Extra credit is awarded this year for references to / incorporation of the following: MARITIME DISASTERS, STRIPPERS, POLITICAL SCANDALS, AND SPERM DONATION
H.P. Lovecraft, Australian place names (especially Wollongong and Tweed Heads), esoteric philosophy, and wrestling holds. New entries following the previous, superceded rules will be DISQUALIFIED. literary parody (especially Cormac McCarthy), obscure sciences, consequences of environmental pollution, various chimera by name, Japanese Noh theater actors, anthropological concepts, functional recipes, and types of knots. And the apocalypse. - You may enter as often as you like. Multiple entries are encouraged, and improve your chances of winning.
- You are encouraged to spread the word about this contest.
- Have a nice day.
- PS on your way out, why not go watch my videos on youtube? (IMPORTANT: According to my youtube stats, many of you have not been following this rule!)
- Or go take a look at the 2009 contest, which was a very good year for poetry.
(Many thanks to bran for this year’s logo!)
My chimera, oh what is her name?
She’s mosaic, a type: not the same.
Had a cellular mix-it-up,
And no one could fix-it-up,
She’s a bounty of beaux, quite the dame!.
I gotta say there are some dang good limericks here, and Perry, you’re my personal favorite so far. Limerick #31 is a spectacular pun!
But I’m not sure what it has to do with Valentine’s Day , sex, or romance. Nevertheless, you’re good, Dude.
Chimeras can also be fish,
Although most people spell it like this:
Chimaeras, some kinds,
Have poisonous spines,
And use claspers when the lady’s a dish.
Whirling dervishes, when they are freaking
(I overheard the anthrolopologist speaking)
Turn so fast round their axe
– Those are really the facts –
that their Eustachian tubes just start shrieking
My concept of touristic hell:
lots of Dutch campers trying to tell
directions in fluent French
Vocal cords in a wrench
Does Xenoglossia ring a bell?
There is something I greatly admire:
Glossolalists that sing in a choir
Some say speaking in tongues
Explains the need for big lungs
That’s why that girl Glossosoloist I desire
Maria had studied memetics,
But her preference was for genetics,
To have egg and sperm bond,
Was her heart’s wish most fond,
And her efforts that way were frenetic.
Of chimeras, some facts little known,
They have cartilage frames and not bone,
Sexual parts on their heads,
Eyes of green but not red,
See the photo, where one type is shown.
Photo: http://oddanimals.com/chimaera-fish
Also, re green eyes: http://www.itsnature.org/sea/fish/chimaera
Of chimeras, some facts little known ;-),
They have cartilage frames and not bone,
Sexual parts on their heads,
Eyes of green but not red,
See the photo, where one type is shown.
Photo: http://oddanimals.com/chimaera-fish
Take the flowers and candy how sweet
Add some lust, it’s a must, be discreet
Next account for the wine
It becomes a straight line
For a Valentine’s lost balance sheet
Be my Valentine dearest you must
If you won’t my soft heart may just bust
I might live in despair
Lose all hope, lose all care
Or go find someone else, I’ll adjust
She is draped in silk colors aglow.
She looks sweet and petite through the show.
He’s beguiled. Next he asks
For a date. She unmasks.
She’s a he. Damn, he just didn’t Noh.
Gordy thought Suzie was hot.
He lusted her her quite a lot.
When at last they entangled
He felt fireworks — star-spangled!
But for her, just a “Gordy, um, not.”
Be my Valentine dearest you must.
If you won’t my soft heart will just bust.
I will live in despair.
Lose all hope. lose all care.
Then go find me a shrink to adjust.
She’d dreamily swallow then cough it.
When it came to end he’d get off. It
Made Daniel feel swirled,
Like the end of the world.
The vixen was into the profit.
According to Wikipedia’s article on apocalypse future events were made known to the Biblical prophet Daniel through a dream.
Lou and Lizzie were lovers; they each,
Were appalled at this plastic’s far reach,
So for Valentine’s Day,
Lou took Lizzie away,
To help clean up a Yucatan beach!
See: http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/world/la-fg-mexico-beach-pollution-20120128,0,2261593.story
There’s a typo in #64 above. I hope it’s within the rules to allow me fix my mistake. Let me try again:
Gordy thought Suzie was hot.
And he lusted for her quite a lot.
When at last they entangled
He felt fireworks — star-spangled!
But for her, just a “Gordy, um … Not.”
Dominatrix in leather (the “master”)
With a whip? Recipe for disaster.
Just some Valentine fun
Till you find out the one
Getting whipped is your very own pastor.
The rules said functional recipes. :-)
Maeko searched for a functional recipe,
For to whip up a no-fail beauty tea,
When she goes to see Noh,
Her best face she must show,
She’s a big crush on Yoshimasa Kanze.
Maeko said, “Since it’s Valentine’s Day,
I could try on some new lingerie.”
Yoshimasa Yoko
Thought of only one Noh —
“Noh, I’ll stay and you’ll just have your way.”
Oil in two parts, blend sugar, we mix.
Add the whipped cream in dollups, then fix.
When the oven gets hot
Put it in on the spot
We’ll be cooking together by six.
Since our wrists aren’t pretty when bare,
I strung two beaded bracelets to share.
Mine spells ○○ⒷⒺⓈⓉ○○ in red beads;
○○ⒻⓇⒾⒺⓃⒹⓈ○○ in purple yours reads.
These are symbols of love we can wear.
I’m proposing tonight, so she’s getting
A ring. Since my budget’s not letting
Me spend like a king
I’ll go green with this ring…
With an emerald stone in its setting.
A few key-strokes, it takes just a sec
To deliver a sweet, love-filled peck.
Since I’ve so many friends,
This emoticon trend’s
Got me bending my actual neck!
To love you’s my greatest endeavor
Since you are my best friend forever.
But should you betray
Me, you’ll certainly pay—
I’ll rename you my “best friend for never.”
To disunify means to divide.
Like if hubby and wifey decide
That they’ll sever the tether
That binds them together;
UNITED thus winds up UNTIED.
Each friendship of mine’s a dilection,
A connection of love and affection.
I make each selection
With skill and perfection—
But you, dear, have not passed inspection.
A Happy last Valentine’s Day*
*According to creatures of May**
**Yes, those darn Mayans.
One of their sayin’s:
Your days are all numbered. OK?
I’m writing this limerick from scratch
And what, you may ask, is the catch?
To rhyme my Line 1
With the second. There, done.
And to make sure the fifth is a match.
When there’s no place else you can go,
You should see this inscrutable show.
All the actors wear masks
Which can simplify tasks
And THAT’S all the Japanese Noh.
Though skillful at philematology,
Barry’s also quite good at pseudology,
And though his smooth kisses,
Charm many young misses,
His lies make him not what he oughtabe.
I’m not a romantic type guy.
And the reason? Hell, who can know why?
I come from a tribe
That is hard to describe
From a land that one cannot descry.
I’m about to give up on romance.
I asked out my crush to the dance.
She told me to split,
To make tracks, to eat shit…
(Could you loan me a tic tac, perchance?)
If you would just show me your fanny
I’d teach you to tie a nice granny.
But when she said “Not!”
I simply forgot
That some words are what you call “tranny.”
Now Johnnie, his sweetheart, to woo,
Wished to take her ice fishing, it’s true,
But that darned C O 2,
Made the lake not freeze through,
Now that’s a fine how-do-you do!
http://morningjournal.com/articles/2012/01/24/news/mj5623259.txt?viewmode=fullstory
In the book the Apocalypse came,
And it’s true, it’s a zero sum game.
Cuz the death of romance
Didn’t slow the advance
Down The Road of full Pulitzer fame.
Daggone it, I meant to say the road TO fame, not the road OF fame in #88. I need a better proofreader.
A young fellow wanted to know
Just how much he should pay for a ho.
Said her muscular pimp
“Well, you’d better not scrimp.”
There you go, business pro, there you go.
When we get to the prophesied times,
When the Doomsday Clock belts it’s last chimes,
I’ll be safe if I’m with
Mr. Franklin D. Smith.
Who is that? I don’t know, but he rhymes.
Here’s a double:
I’ve researched chimeras, and Noh.
And mixed in some sex, that is so,
But Cormac McCarthy,
His books I cannot see,
And so, Robert Frost, here we go.
My small horse must think it most queer,
To stop where there’s no farmhouse near,
But we, my sweet dove,
Are quite madly in love,
And no one will see us out here.
Ha! I like it, Jann. You got chimeras, Noh, sex, Cormac, and romance. All tied up in a pretty neat bow. … wait a minute that gives you a knot, too! Nicely done.
Thank you, Jeter.
The voluptuous torso of Dottie—
What a body! She’s really a hottie.
I once sneaked a peek,
And it made my knees weak.
(It turns out that she teaches karate.)
Just a few sips of wine for romance
That he hoped he would find at the dance.
Later on a big THUD!
And our drink-sodden stud
Lost his partner, his pride, and his chance.
This needs a rewrite. Sorry to have messed it up the first time.
In the book, the Apocalypse came.
And it’s true, it’s a zero sum game.
Cuz the death of romance
Didn’t slow the advance
Down The Road to pure Pulitzer fame.
But let’s go back to #92, my double limerick. You do realize, Jeter, that the limerick you complimented was just meant to be a lead in to my literary parody. ;-) I would think most people, (but then it’s hard to be sure these days), would be familiar with “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening.”
But then I just noticed that the sentence, “Entries are customarily quite good so you will need extra points to win.”, no longer appears in the rules. That should be great for some people!!!
I forgot the link that goes with this one, so I’d just better repost it.
Maeko searched for a functional recipe,
For to whip up a no-fail beauty tea,
When she goes to see Noh,
Her best face she must show,
She’s a BIG crush on YOshimasa KANze
http://performingarts.jp/E/art_interview/1.html