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Coldest day of the winter so far. Birds are falling out of the sky, frozen solid, and skidding along the street like hockey pucks. My wife, who grew up here and is somewhat more accustomed to cold weather than am I, who grew up in the milder winters of SW Washington State, brought home a tube of this liquid wax stuff you can apply to the rubber seals of your car doors to keep them from freezing shut.

“Here, you go put it on the doors,” she said.

I protested that I had bronchitis but it was no use. So I went outside, making noises and waving my feet at the cats to keep them from going outside (two of the three cats are under house arrest) in my sandals and sweat pants and a coat. This should only take a minute, right? I was not being a good sport about this, though. I felt it was unfair that a sick man be sent out into the cold like this. I kicked off my sandals and stepped into the garden clogs standing on the porch. I turned to head down the steps, and instead nearly did a somersault. The garden clogs were frozen solidly to the porch.

With some effort, I broke them free and went to the cars. The doors were already frozen shut, but not too bad. I got my door open. I looked at the liquid wax dispenser. It looked like one of those shoe polish things; size of a toothpaste tube, but made of medium-hard plastic, with a sponge at one end.

I squeezed and squeezed, and nothing came out. Eventually, I gave up and read the directions:

“Shake well, and apply evenly to the rubber seal of your car door.”

Okay.

Think, Miguel. (It is cold out, remember?). The shoe polish things work like this: you squeeze them, some polish comes out, is absorbed by the sponge and you use that to spread it over the shoes.

But none came out. I squeezed harder. Nothing. I pulled out the plastic plug holding the sponge part to see if maybe there was some seal in place that you had to remove after purchasing before you can use it. But, no seal.

So I held it up to the door seal again, and gave it a manly squeeze, and it went “pop!” as the plug and sponge part shot out, and two-thirds of the contents sprayed over the side of the door and the driver’s seat, and me.

Upon contact with air, it dried instantly. Or maybe it just froze.

I returned to the house, having a Looney-Tunes freakout, demanding paper towels, which Alpha brought me while Beta held the cats to keep them from escaping.

I cleaned it up as well as I could, but it was dark and I couldn’t really see what I was doing. Eventually, I figured out how the wax dispenser worked – you have to press it up against the rubber seal, which presses down a valve it seems, allowing the wax to flow. I got the drivers doors of both cars waxed, returned to the house, thawed out.

This morning I finally got a good look at my car, in the light. It looks like a mastodon tried to mate with it. But the door opened on the first try.

“You tend to ride your bicycle into the creek on your way home from wedding receptions, and have been known to rely on humor and pathos when you have nothing coherent to post.”

Which sexy, witty blogger are you?

(If you are going to link to the test – and please do – please link to this URL: http://feralliving.surreally.com/archives/000141.html#000141 , to avoid any confusion. Thanks!)

We’ve been told that some people are having trouble with the test. If you can’t get this one to work, try one of the following fine mirror sites:

100% Bulletproof Punk
100% Surreally
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100% BobtheCorgi
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100% Words Mean Things
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98% Melissa
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100% Virtual Pamela
100% Billegible
100% Ooh, a ceiling!
100% A blog with a name that keeps changing

(If you decide to mirror the test, please let me know and I’ll add the link here).

Poll What is with the 100% Miguel test?? Hey, I’m 100% Miguel too!! How is this stupid test supposed to work? Miguel, is this another one of your jokes?

1868-02-01
Several large Crates arrived by Carriage yesterday and upon Unpacking, once the Movers and Bearers and Coachmen had exited the Premises was pleased to discover that the Babbage Difference Engine yrs truly had ordered so long ago as to nearly have forgotten the original Motivation upon its eventual Arrival, financed with the proceeds of the inheritance from dear departed Uncle D., God rest his Soul. The Charles Babbage Difference Engine is a deceptively simple Construction, although my initial Attempts at Configuration revealed that the Simplicity was more one of Appearance than initial Function, however upon the return of the Messenger whom I had dispatched to the Babbage Corporation for additional Configuration Instructions, Descriptions and Details, I was informed in part and in part deduced myself the necessity of filing the edges of two square framing plates, three holes drilled in the upper square framing plate for the Alarm Axis, three holes drilled and tapped for receiving the Screws which fix one end of the Spring Case of the Alarm Axis, four holes drilled and tapped for receiving the Screws which fix the Bridge to it, six holes drilled and tapped for receiving the Screws which fix the figure Rings to it an oblong hole made for the Screw to go through which fixes it to the upper intermediate framing plate, three holes drilled and tapped for the Screws for fixing the alarm Bells, a hole bored in each of the upper and lower square framing plates for the ends of the Pillar of the intermediate frame to turn in, the following holes bored in the lower square framing plate, one for the Socket of one of the figure Wheels to go in, one for the bolting Arms to go in, one and tapped for the Stud of the Roller Levers, and the Steel Stud turned Screwed and fitted to the hole, one for the stud which is fixed to one end of the Spring Case for a bolting Lever, and the Gun Metal Stud turned and fitted to it, and one tapped for the Screw to go in which holds one end of the bottom intermediate framing plate. Doh!

Be that as it may, God willing and in due Time the Babbage Difference Engine was functioning to my Satisfaction, whereupon the great Necessity of storing the Results of the Engine’s Calculations dawned upon me and I hastily devised a system of thin wooden slats with a series of Holes drilled into them in a particular Order, which I find functionable. At this point, having connected the engine to a small modern Steam Engine hardly larger than the Carriage House and to a new writing Machine called by the makers a “Type-Writer” which is itself a slender construction which closely resembles nothing more than the bastard Offspring of a Piano and a Kitchen Table. Hah!

It became necessary at this Point to retire to the Kitchen where I discovered much to my Dismay that the Porridge had grown cold and one of the Housecats, being unable to exit the premises of the Kitchen in a timely Fashion, had purged the contents of its Bowels before the Door through which I had just entered, and that I had, unbeknownst to myself, trod in the mess. A brief glance at my modern Vestpocket-Watch revealed to me that it was, at this point, only 10 AM and I realized that a long and trying Day lay before me.

1868-04-01
Upon the Conclusion of the more genteel Aspects of my wife’s cousin’s Wedding Reception, I sent lovely Alpha on home by Carriage and remained behind for some time, enjoying the rare Company of old Friends, among them Nicotine and Beer. Later in the Night, finding myself the final Guest I was perforce required by good Manners to proceed on home myself, and took the Opportunity to acquaint myself more closely with my newest Plaything, a Velocipede.

Accompanied by much Laughter and Merriment, several Men of my Acquaintance steadied the Contraption while I (unsteadily enough, by my own admission) climbed “on board”. They gave me a sturdy push and off I went, speeding daringly into the darkness with their Cheers and laughter echoing in the background! My Progress continued in a satisfactory Manner until I reached a sharp bend in the Path that ran alongside the Creek, at which point my skills at piloting the Velocipede proved inferior to the forces of Momentum and I and Velocipede both failed to negotiate the sharp left turn and continued in a straight Line down the bank of the Creek and into the water, which was of a temperature cold enough to be bracing and sobering, while not so cold (or, praise be to the Powers of Heaven and Nature, whichever is in Charge, deep) as to cause my Demise. The Velocipede incurred significantly more Damage in the Adventure than did I, and I was able (and required) to push the Vehicle the rest of the way, a Distance of several Miles, with its bent Wheel squeaking in protest the entire remainder of my Journey.

1868-05-04
As the Chicago Post writes, “The effect of his impeachment and disposal, if secured by partisan effort, would be a graver calamity than any that he can inflict. No man can calculate the consequences of such a blow at the permanence of our institutions.” Blockheads and dunces, corrupt traitors themselves. Like him or not, Johnson was working for Civil Rights. Republicans, feh! Turning on their own man like that. And the Democrats, some of them no better. Eleven trumped-up impeachment charges, most obviously trumped-up I add and without a grain of merit, and the President is acquitted by a Single Vote! What is the World coming to? Now, that said, and my joy at his Acquittal tempered by the close vote – may this great Country never again be subjected to such a divisive and scandalous affair, I must remark here – in case anyone is actually reading my Ejaculations of Wit and Wisdom – that this Activity, hacking away at the Typewriting-Machine-Attachment of my Charles Babbage Difference Engine – is gradually losing its warm Glow, as it were, and I may be going on a Haitus of several weeks. Until then.

1924-11-03
Guess I stayed away a little longer than I’d thought. I was rummaging around the barn and came across this Difference Engine, and lo and behold, got it started up and running again. I don’t think I’ll be spending much time on it, but I just… it just feels grand running my fingers across the key-board like this. Hmm.

That Teapot Dome Scandal is still grating on my nerve. That Harding. At least Al Fall taking the fall proves that there can still be justice in high places. A year in prison for the Secretary of the Interior is too short, though, In My Humble Opinion. If only one good thing comes of this, though, it will be this: The Amerian Public – mark my words – is growing up and becoming more skeptical. Never again will it allow a President to run the country in such a corrupt and self-serving manner.