The haunted doorbell

this is the terrifying story
of the haunted doorbell
the weather here has been
real hot and dry
but lately it has been cooler and
wetter and today the
constant rain started
when the constant rain starts
i think of ray bradbury’s story
about astronauts on venus
in constant rain
the second thing that happens when
the constant rain starts
is our haunted doorbell starts
ringing
its creepy half-ring
my wife just called me at work
and said, it’s ringing again,
and she said, what should i do?
i said she should, first of all
put on rubber gloves.
i didn’t say, wait until i get home,
i said, put on rubber gloves, first of all.
then pry off the cover
there are no screws, it just pops off
but careful not to break it
then you want to unhook the two wires
there are two screws
loosen the screws but
don’t touch them
even with rubber gloves
nothing would happen, you would
just get a little shock
(a medium shock, in fact)
then when the screws are loose
pull out the wires
easy as that
she said she would wait until i came home
isn’t it too creepy, that
creepy haunted doorbell
half ringing all day?
i told her to call the guy
to look at the heating and he could
do the doorbell while he was there
she said, he’s a plumber not an electrician
but he could do two screws, i said
you can do it when you get home
she said

Let me tell you something

what was it
there was something
what was it though
dang
dang
was it something about a crow?
no
death maybe?
no
i stuck my nose in a spider web
while watering the thistles
that is how i discovered the
writing spider in the back yard
that wasn’t it, either
although it was the biggest and most
beautiful spider i have ever seen up close
and i mean up close
hm
i rode my bike to the train station
i will be retiring some day and
to save money i have been considering
getting rid of my car and riding a bike.
maybe that was it.
my bike is very old.
for a bike.
i used to run my daughters around on it
in a little child’s seat.
they’re all grown up now.
it needed new tires because the old ones
had rotted off
and kept going flat.
so i got cool new tires that never go flat.
and i checked the sky before
going to the train station
because it always rains when i ride my bike
but the skies were blue.
the first thing that happened
the chain fell off the front gear
i got that back on
then the tail light cover
fell off and clacked along
the street
i got that back on too.
my bike is a three speed now
because i can only shift the front gears
the back thing
no longer works.
but that’s okay bc it’s flat
where i live, the landscape.
when i told my family about it
my daughter asked
were you leaving a trail of parts
so you could find your way home?
was that it?
was it that my wife had to give me a ride home
from the station that night
because it was raining so hard?
?
i don’t think that was it either.
this is driving me nuts.

Not even floating

My fitness watch tracks my sleep.
Not only did I not get enough sleep last night, I had no dreams.
I did not think, the world could be heaven if we would only help each other.
If we would only always be kind.
To ourselves, each other, to all lifeforms.
I did not think, being rich would be nice.
I did not think, capitalism replaced with kindness and generosity, not chaos.
Or peace, love and understanding.
Or if they only liked me.
Or having beehives would be nice.
Last night, sleeping, I just slept.
Mattress, head on my pillow, down comforter, cat on top of that.
Just existed there in the dark.
It was not even a great release, not a liberation.
It was nothing, not even nothing.
No thoughts of this is good or this could be better, or even this is the way it is.
No blessings, no curses.
Not rejection or acceptance.
Just floating there in the darkness.
Not even floating.
Just being there in the darkness.
Not even darkness.
Not even being.

Big Hero

It’s a nice day so Mr. and Mrs. Big Robot go to a Heurigen, a wine tavern, within walking distance of their house, for a casual meal and a glass of wine or two. They get a table in the shade and order and while they are eating and drinking an older couple come and ask if they may share the table and the Big Robots say, sure! And everyone is friendly and chatting and drinking and eating and the older couple seem to know the Big Robots but this is not mutual. I mean, they look familiar. At least the lady. But their names, where they live, all those details…?
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
They talk about kids, they talk about solar power and heat pumps, home renovations, all that old people stuff.
Things are sort of gliding along, Mr. Big Robot orders another glass of wine, lets his mind wander until he notices Mrs. Big Robot talking about all the people he has saved.
Mr. Big Robot is, like, WTF? People, plural?
So he is like, what? The guy in the snow… who else?
The mayor’s brother in the snow, you mean. Corrects Mrs. Robot.
Not the current mayor, clarifies Mr. Robot. Long time ago.
Then there was the old lady bleeding in the street, says Mrs. Robot.
Ah! Right, hit by a car or something. I got her to the curb…
And you saved me, says the old lady they are drinking with.
Oh, yeah, says Mr. Big Robot, although he has absolutely no memory of it.
Then they talk about something else besides his forgotten heroism which was anything but heroic, it was merely wondering “what is that person doing lying in the snow/in the street” and checking on them while someone else called an ambulance.
Walking home later, he asks Mrs. Robot wtf the old lady had been talking about. Had he saved her too?
No that was our friend Medium Robot. She passed out on the street or something.
What was he doing there? I live here, he doesn’t. Maybe he was visiting us. I may have been with him, which would explain her remembering me. Perhaps I assisted in her salvation.
He likes the feel of that.

No one is upset and nothing hurts

I was dreaming this morning when a cat woke me with a bladder massage.
In the dream, my extended family was celebrating my birthday at my childhood home, around a redwood picnic table my father had built, on a sunny summer day, in the shade of a cherry tree, a maple and some redwoods.
There was picnic food on the table, no animals were trying to steal it, the sun was warm but gentle and not blinding, the way summer sun used to be.
Everyone was happy at the same time, but not excited, there was no drama, no one was sad or mad at someone, everyone got along.
My grandmother was not there. I imagine she was in Montana, as a teenager, riding horses.
My uncle, who sometimes felt compelled to be weird at gatherings, I suppose due to anxiety, was not there. He might have been in the hills filling his green and white Ford pickup with scavenged firewood.
My parents (whom I remember missing yesterday) were there. They were younger than they had been when they died. 30s or 40s. My father looked fit and was not wearing a shirt, which was typical of him in the summer at that age. I talked to my mother.
I talked to my father. I asked him how Heaven was.
No one is upset and nothing hurts, he said.
My sister gave me a letter she had written for my birthday. It was written with a wide calligraphy pen in several colors. Each color said something else, and the colors intertwined, and tangled, and she had written it in her normal handwriting not calligraphy despite the nib she was using so I was unable to read it.
I asked her to read it for me.
She was about to read it when I woke up.

Musique concrète

A man walks down the sidewalk towards the Vienna Stadthalle, reading a Kriminalroman by Alex Beer, “Der zweite Reiter.”
Suddenly there is a big KADONGGG!!
And the man sees a few stars.
What a beautiful new sound, the man thinks.
KADONGGG, I love it.
He rubs his head. He focuses his eyes on the steel pole of a street sign, very close.
He steps around the pole, finds his place in the book, and continues walking, half of him reading, half thinking about the sound.
Half of him wondering how a Foley artist would reproduce it, the THONK of brain against skull against 4-inch steel pole, the ringing tintinabulation of the pole and the sign after being struck.
KADONGGG!
The world is full of beauty.

New cryptid just dropped

Allow me to announce that I have discovered a new cryptid, one so new it’s not on the Wikipedia List of Cryptids yet:

The Chupacapybara, a mysterious, slightly chubby, land-dwelling (but water-loving) creecher that sucks goats but everybody loves it.