Lunch at Altausseer See in Altaussee near Bad Aussee near Grundlsee

Today, or yesterday (I am vacationing so my grip on time is more tenuous than usual) I was served a memory from a year ago, a picture of me with a butterfly tickling my nostril at the fish restaurant at Toplitzsee, where we go every year, or have gone each of the past five years, as we have fallen in love with the lake one lake over, Grundlsee, and the surrounding mountains, and other features of the landscape etc in the vicinity; however when we hiked to Toplitzsee for more fish this year the restaurant was closed since we made the mistake of going on a Tuesday and it’s closed Tuesdays, and the second time we went it was open and the fish was good but no butterflies, only mosquitos; likewise when we (in this case my daughter Beta and myself, my wife Alpha having returned home on Thursday to take care of the cats while Beta returned here (she had gone to our house a few days prior to replace her sister Gamma as catsitter because Gamma – who had been with me at Grundlsee at the beginning – was going to Innsbruck to give a presentation at a conference, and to climb in the climbing gym there, which is said to be the best in the world) went to Altausseer See in Altaussee, near Bad Aussee, which is one town over from Grundlsee, for a hike and lunch. While walking around the lake, which is pretty and amidst pretty landscapey views, we were a bit worried whether we would get a table at the place, a rustic restaurant on the bank of the lake, it being tourist season and Friday and noon, but we needn’t have worried because the place was about a third full, if that, when we arrived and we took an empty table and that is when the fun started (the hike had been fun too, except for one stretch with a lot of biting flies) because it seemed to be… New Waitstaff Day? or something? Like first I ordered a “Loser Bier” which is a brand of beer named after a nearby mountain, it comes in a bottle which is good for taking “funny” selfies, which I have been known to do; however, and maybe fortunately, the waitress (a different one from the one who had taken my order) brought a large glass of beer (ein großes Bier) and I was like, internally, all Who is hard of hearing here, you or me? but said nothing because I figured, more beer for the same price and probably the Loser beer selfies are getting old. Then, having studied the menu I asked her what a particular burger, named after the restaurant, was, i.e. was it just a regular burger or what? and she said Yes it was a regular burger. But when my food came it was a fish burger, which I discovered later, after she had gone yet I did not mention it to anyone because 1. fish burger was tasty 2. i figured maybe the burger I ordered, named after the restaurant, was indeed a fish burger not a regular burger and the new waitress who had gotten my beer order wrong had simply not known better. Later, after Gamma and I had eaten a waiter arrived with a regular burger and said, you were served a fish burger right? And I said Right and he said, But you didn’t say anything when it was served? And I said, no problem, just give me the regular burger too and he did and I didn’t know what the fuck was going on but it turned out I had to pay for both burgers apparently because I had failed to point out their incompetence to them immediately, which had not been possible for me because as I mentioned I had not been sure the fish burger was a mistake but I didn’t want to argue and paid; if I had started complaining to the guy I would still be there complaining, wrong beer, wrong burger, right burger not very good (too much filler in the patty), unfriendly blame-shifting waiter. So we paid and left. The waitress who took my money (the 4th waitstaff member to grace our table) had not been involved in any of the mistakes so I still tipped her, a decent tip by Austrian standards but a little paltry by American standards, sort of hit the sweet spot with the percentage, small enough so that it seemed on my end that I was penalizing them for their misdeeds, while large enough that they would not notice anything. Then we walked to our car and got there just as the first raindrops fell and by the time we got home thunder and lightning and lots of rain, it was great.

Fever! till you sizzle

On holiday next week. We will spend it in a small cabin in the Alps somewhere, the four of us. First family vacation in a while. Weather outlook for the week: cold and rainy. We offered to maybe look at a last-minute trip to Greece instead, but the kids insisted we go to the cabin. I’m happy about that, because I have been dreaming of a trip like this for a long time, going to a cabin in the mountains instead of spending days in airports.

In unrelated news, a few nights ago a nightmare woke me  up. I guess it was terrifying, because my heart was ‘racing’ and it took me a long time to get back to sleep.  Actually, it was 4.50 so I gave up and got up and didn’t go back to sleep until the following night, I remember now. It, the dream, took place in a mountain cabin. There were a couple strangers there, on the edge of the dream, guys I didn’t know. The cabin was weathered and reminded me more of the mountains (and cabins) I have seen  than the cabin we are going to (knock on wood).

There were two spiders in the cabin. One was large, as big and heavy as a crab, and was climbing around on the back of the door and making a lot of noise. The other was ‘smaller’, with the body the size of a birds and long, long legs and very fucking fast. It was spinning a web in the room and got in my face and started spinning a web around my face and head real fast, jumping around the way some spiders do when prey lands in their webs.

I was ripping spiderweb from my face when I woke up.

I figure it means, bring lots of books and Uno cards with us.

Dirty Dancing III

Starring The Osbournes

Scene 1

Happy Hour. Mom, Dad and Baby are seated at table at boutique hotel on beach in Lombok, watching tropical sunset.

Guy on Beach: Would you like bracelet for your daughter? I make it myself!

Mom, Dad & Baby (In unison): Maybe later.

Waiter (brings drinks).

Dad: (sips Long Island Iced Tea)

Mom: (To Baby) What did you get? That looks good. Can I taste it?

Baby: Mojito. (Slides it over).

Mom: I’m not getting anything.

Dad: Damn, what was the name of that band two songs ago?

Baby: You have a mint leaf stuck in your straw.

Mom: Am I wearing this inside-out?

Guy on Beach: I can make it with your name.

Mom, Baby & Dad: (In unison) Maybe later.

Dad: Two words. Damn. Adjective, one was an adjective. One had a vowel.

Baby: Only one? Is it a Czech band or something?

Mom: Can I eat your fruit ornament?

Baby: Led Zeppelin? Pink Floyd?

Dad: More modern. Something in the PJ Harvey category. Sort of.

Baby: I’m not into jazz.

Dad: It’s not jazz! They have a theremin. That is, they don’t have a theremin, I just thought they did. They have a thereminy sounding synth.

Mom: Your dad says I can’t buy any pearls.

Dad: That’s not precisely what I said. What I said was, It’s your vacation, do whatever you want.

Baby: The Who? Pearl Jam? Mod Honey?

Baby: I’m so fat.

Mom & Dad: You’re not fat.

Mom: You’re totally hot.

Baby: I know I’m hot. But I’m flabby, too.

Mom & Dad: You need to sleep right, get more exercise and eat 3 meals a day. And you’re not flabby. We’d pay good money to be as not flabby as you.

Baby: (Rolls eyes.) You’re in your fifties.

Dad: What?

Baby & Mom: (Roll eyes)

Dad: What? The surf is loud. I’m a rock star. 120 decibles on stage every night. What?

Mom: Black Sabbath?

Scene 2

(Breakfast. Hotel restaurant)

Dad: I’ll have the fried rice. With sambal please.

Waiter: Sambal ketchup or sambal oelek?

Dad: What?

Waiter: Lombok sambal?

Dad: Yeah, the spicy kind.

Waiter: Okay, you asked for it.

Dad: PORTISHEAD! Portishead.

Baby & Mom: (Raise eyebrows, exchange look)

Mom: Two words?

Baby: Adjective?

Dad: What? There’s a vowel.

Baby: Who wants my papaya?

Mom: I’ll trade you a pineapple.

Dad: Portishead, Portishead, Portishead. That was driving me CRAZY!

Dad: Portishead.

Mom: I bet the pearls cost more in town and aren’t as nice.

Dad and Baby: (In unison) It’s your vacation, do whatever you want.

Dad: William Gibson retweeted my tweet.

Mom & Baby: (Roll eyes)

Dad: That Lulur massage sure was nice yesterday. Anything that lasts 2 hours and leaves you naked and covered in yogurt…

Mom & Baby: Portishead

Scene 3

(In gift shop complex)

Mom: Do you have enough cash for a box?

Dad: It’s your vacation… do they take credit cards? I have plenty, if they do.

Man selling illegal DVDs: Four for 200,000.

Dad: (to man) Just a sec. (to Baby) See if they have The American. (to Mom) Hang on, if they only take cash, I’ll have to see how much this guy ends up… (to man) four for 200,000? What about five for 200,000.

Young man with ultra dark tan, big white smile and black dreadlocks: (To Baby) Nice sunglasses. I like the color. You wanna swap?

Dad: (Rolls eyes)

Young man: What’s your name?

Baby: Baby…

Dad: (Buys some DVDs, then buys box, then some more stuff)

(To be continued)