Little-known facts about the true limpet

  • First off, the term “limpet” is inexact, referring to salt- and freshwater gastropods with lungs or gills.
  • If you mean a marine limpet of the ancient order, you have to say “true limpet”.
  • Although “marine limpet of the ancient order” sounds sort of cool by itself.
  • Conical shells, mostly under 3″ in diameter, stuck to rocks or other hard substrates, often covered with growth of algae making them even harder to see, etc etc.
  • Ambivalent by nature, the true limpet currently thinks maybe everyone ought to vote for McCain after all, on sort of a variant of the “you break it you buy it” rule, namely, “you break it, you keep breaking it until everyone figures it out, then you eat it if they have to shove it down your throat, then you leave them alone for a long time.”
  • Or, maybe not, on second thought. The true limpet would feel a lot better about voting for Obama, though, if he could be certain that the Democrats would not just, once again, drain yet another Republican quagmire and then go back to business as usual, but instead make them regret creating a quagmire in the first place, really put them off the idea of making any more in the future. You know, like, punitive taxes on those responsible for the Wall St. mess (by which the true limpet does not mean poor home buyers), or laws to finally make corporations subject to punishment for misdeeds, including real fines that hurt, freezes on all activity (akin to imprisoning human evildoers) all the way up to permanent confiscation of all assets for capital (hrhr) crimes.
  • The true limpet is also wondering how much it ought to worry about the Mayan calendar and December 2012, and whether the surface of a rock in the intertidal zone is the safest place to be if this is right.
  • True limpets invented the term “clampdown”: when they really clamp down, brute force alone is insufficient to remove them from their rock. The limpet would rather be squished than let go of its rock. They are, however, often susceptible to sweet talk.
  • Most limpets graze on algae.

Now 15% funnier

The world’s funniest joke, now with added Sarah Palin:

Sarah Palin takes John McCain hunting in Alaska. McCain collapses. Palin places an emergency call on her cell phone.

Operator: May I help you?

Palin: This is Sarah Palin. John McCain isn’t breathing and his eyes are all glassy. He might be dead. What should I do?

Operator: Calm down. We can handle this. First thing, let’s make sure he’s dead.

(Pause, then gunshot)

Palin: Okay, now what?

Or, no, wait, hang on:

McCain’s campaign advisor gets a call from McCain in the middle of the night:

McCain: My campaign’s dead, what should we do:

Advisor: Hang on, first we need to make sure it’s dead.

(Palin’s voice: I’m on it, John. (Pause, gunshot))

McCain: Sigh.

Hang on, no, wait:

McCain and Palin get on the Straight Talk Express. The driver berates McCain for choosing Palin as a running mate. McCain makes his way to the back of the bus/jet and sits down beside a new intern.

Bad day? the intern asks.

Bad day? I’ll say, McCain says. It’s spread from the liberal media. Now even the driver is giving me a bad time.

Don’t take it sitting down, the intern says. Go back up there and give him a piece of your mind, John. Here, I’ll hold your monkey for you.

Or, wait:

McCain goes in for a check up. Doc, I feel like hell, he says. My campaign is in tatters ever since I chickened out and tried to weasel out of the debate, and then looked like a jerk with Obama. What’s wrong with me?

The doctor looks at McCain for a minute, then says, well, your assessment of your situation is fine, John.