2015 St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest

2015 metamorphosism.com St. Valentine's day Limerick contest

We here at metamorphosism.com have the distinct pleasure to announce the opening of this year’s St. Valentine’s Day Limerick contest. This could possibly be the contest’s 14th year, if you can believe that.

Time flies.

You may be wondering whether there is a prize this year. So far, no. But that could change. Yes, of course there is a prize. The winner will receive a copy of The Bug, a comic book starring Mig Living’s much-loved orthographically-challenged insectoid, tEh Bgu.

Before entering the contest, please read the following rules. As last year, to encourage you to read the rules, instructions on how to enter the contest are hidden within the rules. Contestants please note slight rule changes below, in the bonus theme section.

  1. No fighting.
  2. The three most important things: Scansion, scansion, scansion.
  3. Enter as often as you like. The more often you enter, the better your chances of winning. But read the other rules first.
  4. Violation of any of the following rules may hurt your chances, so please read them carefully.
  5. Also please note that any of the following rules are subject to change without notice, at the whim of the contest organizers and judge(s). This is a feature, not a bug. By entering you accept this fact, and all of the rules, and even proactively accept future rules the current rules may change to at any time.
  6. Entries must be limericks. (This rule never changes, promise.)
  7. Entries should be artful and delight the reader’s artistic sensibilities.
  8. Being limericks, entries may of course be humorous, bawdy, shocking, obscene, etc., but this is not required. All that is required is that the entry be a limerick (A-A-B-B-A rhyme scheme, etc, look it up). The wikipedia article on limericks, for example, is here.
  9. Points are subtracted for violation of any of these rules.
  10. Points are also subtracted arbitrarily in accordance with the application of the algorithm of unfairness.
  11. Bonus points are awarded for incorporation of one or more bonus themes, listed below.
  12. Bonus themes: failed utopias, gender issues, historical political movements, non-Western musical instruments, dipsomania, food poisoning (especially the bacteria that cause it), capitalism, Ayn Rand, sex dolls, historical articles of clothing, parasites that influence the behavior of the host, especially (but not only) in humans, the history of the tuxedo, B-movie tropes, television detective dramas, supernatural despair especially as portrayed in the fiction of Robert W. Chambers, the various proteins on the surface of the influenza virus, historic epidemics, the economics of monopolies.
  13. Bonus themes are subject to change during the contest, possibly rendering entries previously eligible for bonus points suddenly ineligible.
  14. *NEW*: HARDSHIP POINTS Extra hardship points will be awarded to limericks written without the letter “E”.
  15. But don’t worry, it’s all good.
  16. Entries should be submitted in the comments to this post.
  17. Deadline is 14 February, winners will be announced 14 February.
  18. Judging and other procedures in the conduct of this contest pretend to be crooked, but they are actually pretty fair, but there is never any guarantee this will be the case this time. Just assume the contest is crooked and unfair and you won’t be disappointed.
  19. Complaints will be deleted.
  20. There is no right to, nor avenue of, appeal.
  21. You may enter as often as you like. So check back often to read all the new entries and see if the rules have changed, or the bonus themes.
  22. By entering the contest, you grant metamorphosism.com permission to publish your entry (here in the comments where you enter it, and possibly on facebook or twitter, to publicize the contest) but you retain all rights to your entries.
  23. Feel free to email me at metamorphosist@gmail.com if you have any questions or find one particular limerick especially great or whatever.
  24. Please have fun.
  25. Last, but not least: my deep thanks to my talented friend Bran Fox for designing the logo for this year’s contest, as in so many years past.



46 responses to “2015 St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest

  1. There once was a wild man named Rourke
    Who decided ‘gainst life in New York
    Off to Europe he went,
    Where, with most passion spent,
    He became quite a pillar of Dor’c.*

    *In the first year of law school, nearly forty years ago (!), I found myself to be infected by a limerick bug. I wrote three or four a day, all of them topical and therefore forgettable — just like this one, only moreso.
    Never before have I leaned so heavily upon O Apostrophe!

  2. Ryan Tilley

    There once was a young bard Pasquale
    Who adored the romantic Wall-E,
    A fun scene with a spork,
    A hot babe to pork,
    Then no sex made him melancholy!

  3. PatMac

    Love of money should never be banned
    Cried a bodice accoutred Ayn Rand
    From inflatable friends
    To apocalypse ends
    Kojak loves you when Saint Val’s at hand

  4. Kimmy Alan

    There once was a young woman from Irvine
    Who had never received a Valentine
    Till she wore a short skirt
    And she began to flirt
    Then she received one million ninety nine

  5. Michelle Gordon

    The king of detectives was bugged, ’cause
    The can in his office was plugged.
    The accused who’s named Atlas,
    Then feigning all hapless,
    Just looked at P. Mason and shrugged.

  6. Kimmy Alan

    There once was a young coed from Moorhead
    Who was fond of giving the boy’s some head
    Till she tried to lick
    A great big large dick
    And then the poor woman choked to death

    (Dedicated to the very dedicated coeds of Minnesota State Moorhead College)

  7. Kimmy Alan

    Detective Monk belived in socialism
    Ayan Rand subscribed to strict capitalism
    So when he asked her to fuck
    She said, “I want twenty bucks”
    “And for twenty more I’ll swallow your jism”

  8. Kimmy Alan

    There once was a detective named Daphne
    Who was feeling quite horny and randy
    So she asked young Fred
    To take her to bed
    And he said, “I rather sleep with Shaggy”

  9. Kimmy Alan

    There once was a detective named Thelma
    Who was in somewhat of a dilemma
    She was a smart lesbian
    The likes of Ayan Rand
    But Daphne was strictly into fellas

  10. Kimmy Alan

    The once was a girl from Superior
    Whose vagina was quiet inferior
    So she would turn round
    And asked to be pound
    In the back of her posterior

  11. perry iles

    Ayn Rand had a blow-up doll’s torso
    Like Jessica Rabbit, but more so
    Kings in yellow tuxedos
    And bankers in speedos
    Paid thousand of bucks for her floor show

  12. Kimmy Alan

    There once was a young man from Rangoon
    Who was known to finish way too soon
    So his girl tied a sting
    Around his ding-a-ling
    And now he can go on till past noon

  13. perry iles

    The American sate, Illinois
    Rhymes with corduroy, toy-boy and joy
    Not Superman’s Lois
    Or Streetcar’s Dubois
    Which makes limericks really annoy

  14. Kimmy Alan

    There once was a lesbian from Lisbon
    Who didn’t care too much for capitalism
    Till Charlie’s Angels
    Screwed her on a table
    And now she’s a wealthy Republican

  15. KayO

    Said Wynand to Roark, “The crux
    Of dressing for dinner’s the tux.
    For while Potter may think
    He’s at royalty’s brink,
    It’s the Mrs. that H.R.H. fux.”

  16. KayO

    Her gown was all ribboned and tassled,
    But Beckett was feeling quite hassled.
    A cop by the book,
    She needed her rook,
    But instead she went out and got Castled.

  17. Kimmy Alan

    There once was a sick pervert named Andy
    Who liked to steal and sniff women’s panties
    But when he took a whiff
    Of Grandma’s old shift
    He got arrested by Cagney and Lacy

  18. Kimmy Alan

    There once was a detective named Mannix
    Who went into a desperate panic
    Because his snub nose
    Went off in his hose
    And turned the poor guy into a eunuch

  19. Kimmy Alan

    There once was a virgin from Mexico
    Who said that she had no need for a beau
    Until she got plowed
    By Marshall McLeod
    And now she is an insatiable hoe

  20. Kimmy Alan

    There once was a full back Green Bay Packer
    Who seduced a Viking’s cheerleader
    But he fumbled her boobs
    The NFL did sued
    Claiming he was trying to deflate her

  21. Kimmy Alan

    There once was a girl from River Falls
    Who liked to cut off all the boy’s balls
    Until Nancy Drew
    Unraveled the clues
    And put the girl behind prison walls
    (Dedicated to my alma mater, The University of Wisconsin, River Falls)

  22. Ronald E. Faoro

    There once was a sailor named Guido
    Who suffered excessive libido
    So his girl told the gob
    You’re really a slob
    Now he wears an Armani tuxedo

  23. Kimmy Alan

    There was a flasher from Honolulu
    Who made all the Waikiki girls scream “Ewh!”
    Till Hawaii Five O
    Said, “book em Danno”
    And now he’s behind bars at the zoo

  24. Kimmy Alan

    There once was an athlete named Bruce Jenner
    Who was once an Olympic contender
    Till the day he got fixed
    Had his balls eighty six’d
    And now Jenner is a cute transgender

  25. Kimmy Alan

    On the city bus I whittled my fiddle
    In hope that it would make a lady giggle
    But laugh she did not
    For she was a cop
    And she Tazed my fiddle till it shriveled

  26. Kimmy Alan

    There once was a girl named Violet
    Who thought she looked good in a corset
    But when she had lunch
    She ate way too much
    And she exploded out of her garment

  27. Kimmy Alan

    My dear husband Steve went fishing in Belize
    Where he caught something special to give to me
    A shit load of crabs
    Crawling off his ass
    And a sexually transmitted disease

  28. KayO

    A crazy young African gnu
    Pranks officials at Washington Zoo.
    Finding it dandy
    To grab tourists’ candy,
    It drops M&Ms in its poo.

    (Certified E-free)

  29. KayO

    A dying old woman in Gary
    Put clothing in big bins to bury,
    Claiming “I say to you
    That my stuff can go too
    And I don’t want my ballgowns to tarry.”

    (And E was there nary)

  30. St. Valentine’s Day’s coming soon.
    It’s a choc’late and rose-sellers’ boon.
    Will your loved one come through
    And make festive ado?
    Or just buy you a five-buck balloon?

  31. Kimmy Alan

    There once was a farmer from East Texas
    Who thought he’d fool around on the Mrs.
    But in the hay mow
    While screwing a sow
    His wife jabbed a pitch fork in his ass

    (This actually happened and I posted a photo of the result on my photo bucket of it. Cut and paste the link and it should take you right to it. Warning; it’s offensive in a PG13 sort of way.


  32. perry iles

    Price-fixing cartels aren’t allowed
    Two’s company, three is a crowd
    But oilmen and bankers
    Are greedy old wankers
    And of their misdeeds they seem proud

  33. perry iles

    The prevalence of epistasis
    On a protein meniscus leaves traces
    A small surface deposit
    Of which doctors posit
    Could cure the Black Plague in some places

  34. KayO

    Bravo, perry iles!

  35. perry iles

    E coli happens, it’s said
    If you’re careless with things that are dead
    If you’ve drunk yourself stupid
    Whilst welcoming cupid
    Try not to E coli the bed.

  36. perry iles

    E coli and c difficile
    Will hurt your intestines for real
    And some drunken sot
    Will say they forgot
    To wash hands when preparing a meal

  37. Vincent Wilcox

    There was a young lady called Sophie
    Who most thought of as being a bit dozy
    But behind her facade
    Things were not cold and hard
    Instead they were very wet warm and rosy

  38. Vincent Wilcox

    There was a young lady called Sophie
    Who most thought of as being a bit dopy
    But behind her facade
    Things were not cold and hard
    Instead they were very wet and rosy.

    Minor correction.

  39. Vincent Wilcox

    It evolves, simplified.

    There was a young lady called Sophie
    Who most thought of as being a bit dopy
    But behind her facade
    She was not cold and hard
    Instead was very wet and rosy.

  40. Vincent Wilcox

    Not sure now which makes most nonsense.

  41. Vincent Wilcox

    Final edit, you need an edit post option on this site.

    There was a young lady called Sophie
    Who most thought of as being a bit dopy
    But behind her facade
    She was not cold and hard
    Instead she was very wet and rosy.

  42. There was this Chinook lad who was quite skookum,
    Who took girls out and forcibly duke’em.
    But one Valentine’s Day
    His date had had the final say ~
    She tied his balls to a grenade and nuked’em.

  43. KayO

    There was a fanatic named Gideon
    Whose erections were fierce and quotidian.
    He decided to titrate
    Potassium nitrate,
    Then joined up to be Branch Davidian.

  44. Kimmy Alan

    I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed this little competition. It was enjoyable to see their are other devious minds out there besides mine. Thanks to metamorphosis for sponsoring it.

    “Wouldn’t it be cool this group got together for a few drinks?”

  45. mig

    Thank you to all the entrants. Your creative responses to the rule changes, bonus themes and even hardship point requirements were inspiring.ü++++++++++++++++++++++ (sorry, kitten on keyboard)
    After consultation with the judges, we have the following winners:äööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö (sorry kitten again)
    Perry Iles
    Madeline Begun Kane

    Winners please PM me on facebook or mail me at metamorphosist (at) gmail (dot) com to arrange shipment of your prizes.

    Thanks again to everyone – Bran for her design work and extensive other help; to the judges for their dedicated work,and especially to all entrants. Happy Valentine’s Day!

  46. Bran

    Bran for her design work and extensive other help

    I’m not sure what help that was, but I’ll take your gratitude. You’re welcome.

    Congratulations, winners.
    Kimmy Alan for Miss Congeniality 2015!