Thank you for visiting the 2021 metamorphosism.com International St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest. Entries are now closed! I am leaving comments open for a while for congratulations and well-wishes to the contestants.
Not for the first time, the winner this year is dark-horse entrant Perry Iles. Congratulations, Perry!
It was a close decision, this year, between Perry Iles and runner-up KayO. I wanted to give it to KayO because she not only squeezed a sea shanty into limerick form, she also did it to Mary Oliver, which I had assumed to be impossible. HOWEVER, Perry’s entries are simply overwhelming once again this year, and the prize is sourdough starter, and Perry lives closer, so there’s a chance it might still be alive when he gets it. I did you a favor, KayO! (Perry, if you don’t want the prize let me know…)
Thanks to everyone who entered, and everyone who visited.
See you next year!
Welcome to the 2021 metamorphosism.com International St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest.
Remember when we used to look forward to 2021? And now it already feels strangely like 2016-2020 in a trenchcoat?
As every year, please leave your entries in the comments to this post.
Enter as often as you like.
You may notice that I have no image for the contest this time up there at the top. That is because I am in home office and unable to make one on my little laptop, also I am baking and knitting all the time. If anyone else wants to make one, hey knock yourself out.
This year’s themes:
(Also check further down the rules for newer and/or more specific prompts/themes)
Virology and epidemiology
plus bonus themes to be added as the contest progresses
All participants are required to consult the combined FAQ/rules below BECAUSE THEY CHANGE WHILE THE CONTEST IS GOING ON.
Like every year.
- Does it have to be a limerick? YES. This is strictly enforced, and non-limericks will not be accepted. Google correct limerick form if you are not sure.
- How do I enter? POST YOUR ENTRY OR ENTRIES in the comments to this post. Click on comment, or whatever is down there, and add a new comment.
- When is the deadline? THE DEADLINE is 14 February 2021
- Do you mean 12 midnight on the night of the 13th or midnight on the night of the 14th? And which time zone shall have seisin of jurisdiction? We have had considerably confusion in the past! NINE AM (CENTRAL EUROPEAN TIME) 14 February 2021.
- Is there a prize? Maybe. I don’t know yet.
- Is there a limit to how often I can enter? NO. Enter as often as you like. The more often you enter, the better your chances.
- HOWEVER ONLY ORIGINAL ENTRIES ARE ACCEPTED. PLAGIARISM RESULTS IN DISQUALIFICATION. No exceptions.
- Can entries be bawdy? YES, absolutely. These are limericks, they can be bawdy, gross, you name it. It’s not required, but it is in the nature of the genre. ALSO: this is for St. Valentine’s Day so points awarded for love/romance/sex-related poetry. However, entries offensive to the contest operator will be deleted at his discretion, for offenses including but not limited to racism, and misogyny, and politics to which I object.
- Complaints and other negative trolling will be deleted. There is no avenue of appeal. Decisions of the judges are final. Be nice, and have fun, and don’t take this too seriously.
- Is there anything else I can do to be deleted? Yes. Besides complaints, anything else that is not a limerick will also be deleted, especially anything remotely similar to trolling, nastiness or disagreeing with me. That will get you deleted, and whatever else our technicians here can think up. This is meant to be a fun and light-hearted.
Let’s see, what else? Oh yes.
- Bonus points are awarded for any of the following (No limit to how many themes you may include, the more the better):
Feel free to write me and suggest some!
Limericks that are sea shanties (with or without the word “wellerman”).
Conversion of Mary Oliver poems into limerick form.
More will be added as the month progresses
(More themes to come, watch this space.)
By entering you grant metamorphosism.com permission to publish your entry electronically on metamorphosism.com, in social media (including but not limited to twitter.com, facebook.com and anything else) as well as in book form, although the latter is REALLY unlikely, and has never happened yet, without compensation (this is a non-profit venture, and any possible, although unlikely, book would be, you know, for charity most likely). I have never published them anywhere but here, but who knows?
AS ALWAYS, RULES ARE SUBJECT TO CONSTANT CHANGE DURING THE CONTEST, SO CHECK BACK OFTEN.
I’m not fond of Internet trolling
When I see it I tend to keep scrolling
And if you’re a TERF
Go play in the surf
Or piss off and read JK Rowling
I go down to the edge of the sea.
Where no one can watch while I pee
The opened, blue mussels,
I’ll eat them with brussels
And fart like a carthorse, that’s me!
I love to sing bawdy sea shanties
And wear the first mate’s leather panties
I’m a sweet cabin boy
The captain’s young toy
In his bed we play uncles and aunties
A sedentary man in cute mittens
strokes puppies and babies and kittens
Much better by far
Use his gloves for a bra
And warm your cold hands on his tittens.
The sailor is drunk unto scorn:
Let’s forthwith his belly adorn
With razor so rusty
“Way hay!” cries so lusty,
She rises so early this morn!
When guilt and repentance increase,
The world offers bountiful peace
Through pebbles of rain,
Deep trees on the plain,
And the harsh, haunting calls of wild geese.
It came with no apology,
This awful new mythology:
Became the curse
You know how terrorists are
When failing to install a tsar:
When Trump said “Go home”
They emptied the dome
And left in the same fucking car.
Sometimes waiting your turn can feel sordid.
Now this queue that I’m in feels quite morbid.
For a concert, it’s not,
I’m in line for a shot,
In the hope that I don’t contract COVID.
Whatever does “Wellerman” mean?
Who cares, if to use it you’re keen
In limerick form
it complies with the norm
And sticks to the brief of the scheme.
I’ll write limericks upside down
Or drunken Australians
Like outer space aliens
But with form I like playing the clown
I’m a man of both skill and renown
A man named Norman Bates
Ran a motel with low rates
If you rented a room
You sealed your doom
And ended up at the pearly gates
Cleopatra ruled at queen of the Nile
With Caesar she was openly hostile
When he fathered her a son
She said her battles were done
Until bitten by a nasty reptile
I’ve a useless young miniature dachshund
Who provides me with scant satisfachshund
She’s worse than the cat
She shat on the mat
So I cursed her in pure Anglo Sachshund
It began with a Stormy erection, spanked my ass with the local news section! If they don’t make me King, I’ll yell and I’ll scream. Stolen election! Stolen election!
Justinian couldn’t excuse
The charioteers’ savage views.
He had them arrested;
Their fans all protested,
And mobbed with the Greens and the Blues
A fisherman known as Wee Harold
Once found his line caught and imperiled.
He sounded the bottom
And found he had caught him
The wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald!
WTG PERRY! Your saucy entries always make me laugh. Thanks for the nod, Mig. I had sourdough starter once but my roommate thought it was something moldy and she threw it out. That was 40 years ago and I haven’t really felt the need for a new batch. Your bagels look delicious tho.