Little-known facts about the Mayan apocalypse

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  • If you are in a management position, the Mayan apocalypse will fuck you up.
  • The Mayan apocalypse will also fuck up everyone else, sorry!
  • The Mayan apocalypse is especially looking forward to wiping out casted entertainers.
  • The Mayan apocalypse’s favorite color is red.
  • The Mayan apocalypse dreams of living in a nice treehouse.
  • The Mayan apocalypse looks at the skin on the inside fold of its elbow and noticing it is suddenly a little wrinkly in the wrong light, wonders when that happened.
  • Phil Spector freaks out the Mayan apocalypse.
  • Things spoil real fast in the Mayan apocalypse’s refrigerator, and the Mayan apocalypse can’t figure out why.
  • The Mayan apocalypse sees beauty everywhere, in a house fire or the sound of the paper-man’s car driving away at 4.30 a.m., a young blond woman in a green shawl talking about economics, a row of radishes sprouting, or you. Something about you is beautiful, surely.
  • The Mayan apocalypse loves you, and feels real bad it’s going to have to fuck you up, but that’s its nature.
  • The Mayan apocalypse still has most of its hair, especially on its back.
  • The Mayan apocalypse was just outside watering things, and when it closes its eyes it sees pink apple blossoms.
  • When it’s alone wandering around the house, the Mayan apocalypse likes to say, “No one expects the Mayan apocalypse!” sort of ironically.
  • The Mayan apocalypse has a black Sharpie and marks off each day on its calendar with a big black “X”.
  • The Mayan apocalypse will not be televised.

8 responses to “Little-known facts about the Mayan apocalypse

  1. anne

    It doesn’t seem the same without a picture at the top.

  2. anne

    So can I look forward to a whole new series? Like: Armageddon? Rapture? Great White Throne Judgment?

    I don’t think this is going to get you on nearly as many accidental teaching sites, though.

  3. I am pretty sure I worked with the Mayan Apocalypse a couple of jobs ago. Does the Mayan Apocalypse bring a big thermos of tomato soup for lunch EVERY day? If so, then I definitely did.

  4. k.

    ah. the mayan apocalypse goes perfectly with a morning cup of coffee.

    (although i suspect things will get fucked up later in the day)

  5. An invitation to an Austrian basement shouldn’t be considered mayacalyptic.

  6. Name Required, Esq.

    The Mayan Apocalypse was kind of put off by the cheesy taped jaguar sounds, until it realized it was monkeys.

  7. Off-topic, but I tried to accept your request to follow me on Twitter, only to have the system tell me that someone else entirely would be notified (instead of you). So in case I didn’t really accept, will you please ask again? (cynicallife) kthxbye