Little-known facts about the Mayan apocalypse


  • If you are in a management position, the Mayan apocalypse will fuck you up.
  • The Mayan apocalypse will also fuck up everyone else, sorry!
  • The Mayan apocalypse is especially looking forward to wiping out casted entertainers.
  • The Mayan apocalypse’s favorite color is red.
  • The Mayan apocalypse dreams of living in a nice treehouse.
  • The Mayan apocalypse looks at the skin on the inside fold of its elbow and noticing it is suddenly a little wrinkly in the wrong light, wonders when that happened.
  • Phil Spector freaks out the Mayan apocalypse.
  • Things spoil real fast in the Mayan apocalypse’s refrigerator, and the Mayan apocalypse can’t figure out why.
  • The Mayan apocalypse sees beauty everywhere, in a house fire or the sound of the paper-man’s car driving away at 4.30 a.m., a young blond woman in a green shawl talking about economics, a row of radishes sprouting, or you. Something about you is beautiful, surely.
  • The Mayan apocalypse loves you, and feels real bad it’s going to have to fuck you up, but that’s its nature.
  • The Mayan apocalypse still has most of its hair, especially on its back.
  • The Mayan apocalypse was just outside watering things, and when it closes its eyes it sees pink apple blossoms.
  • When it’s alone wandering around the house, the Mayan apocalypse likes to say, “No one expects the Mayan apocalypse!” sort of ironically.
  • The Mayan apocalypse has a black Sharpie and marks off each day on its calendar with a big black “X”.
  • The Mayan apocalypse will not be televised.

Little-known facts about the true limpet

  • First off, the term “limpet” is inexact, referring to salt- and freshwater gastropods with lungs or gills.
  • If you mean a marine limpet of the ancient order, you have to say “true limpet”.
  • Although “marine limpet of the ancient order” sounds sort of cool by itself.
  • Conical shells, mostly under 3″ in diameter, stuck to rocks or other hard substrates, often covered with growth of algae making them even harder to see, etc etc.
  • Ambivalent by nature, the true limpet currently thinks maybe everyone ought to vote for McCain after all, on sort of a variant of the “you break it you buy it” rule, namely, “you break it, you keep breaking it until everyone figures it out, then you eat it if they have to shove it down your throat, then you leave them alone for a long time.”
  • Or, maybe not, on second thought. The true limpet would feel a lot better about voting for Obama, though, if he could be certain that the Democrats would not just, once again, drain yet another Republican quagmire and then go back to business as usual, but instead make them regret creating a quagmire in the first place, really put them off the idea of making any more in the future. You know, like, punitive taxes on those responsible for the Wall St. mess (by which the true limpet does not mean poor home buyers), or laws to finally make corporations subject to punishment for misdeeds, including real fines that hurt, freezes on all activity (akin to imprisoning human evildoers) all the way up to permanent confiscation of all assets for capital (hrhr) crimes.
  • The true limpet is also wondering how much it ought to worry about the Mayan calendar and December 2012, and whether the surface of a rock in the intertidal zone is the safest place to be if this is right.
  • True limpets invented the term “clampdown”: when they really clamp down, brute force alone is insufficient to remove them from their rock. The limpet would rather be squished than let go of its rock. They are, however, often susceptible to sweet talk.
  • Most limpets graze on algae.