I’m okay in social situations. I’m okay. Meeting new people? No problem. Sitting around a table in an old courtyard in Vienna, with clematis-covered walls housing singing blackbirds, drinking wine and eating and talking (us, not the birds)? No problem at all.
Once I get warmed up, that is.
Until then I’m autistic. I basically sit there and rock back and forth and avoid eye-contact. And it takes me hours to warm up. The few of you who have met me in real life know I’m not exaggerating. Why is this? How long does it take you to warm up in a new situation? Or are you one of the lucky, garrulous, loquatious, outgoing ones?
Is it a Taurean thing? No, it can’t be – six of the eight people around the table last night were Taureans I think. And most of them were charming and funny. Only Gamma and I were being weird.
Yes, Gamma is exactly the same. For the first two hours of a party or other social gathering, we stay on the fringes observing and thawing out. By the end of the night, we’re in the thick of things dancing with a lampshade on our head, but it takes forever.
We do better in small groups. Like one-on-one with a friendly, likeable person.
There is this book. Die Entdeckung der Langsamkeit. Which is called The Discovery of Slowness in English. By Sten Nadolny. And the protagonist is an explorer who is very slow. By slow, I mean he perceived the world at a different speed – slow. Mentally he was fine. It’s a very interesting book. He eventually developed a coping strategy – it took him so long to react to a situation, that he planned in advance how to react – what to say or do – in a given situation. In order to appear normal.
So what I want from you is two things. First, how long does it take you to warm up in a situation and why and how? And second, what are your coping strategies?
I’m thinking, it would be good to have a small library of funny or interesting stories to tell about myself to new people I meet. So like, when the attention turns to Mig and they’re saying, “Now tell us something about yourself” I would actually have a story to tell, rather than going, “uh, nothing to tell, really…”. Something interesting that would pique their interest.
And some other class of statement of some kind that sounds interesting and fairly normal, but makes them leave you alone, like, “I was just at the dermatologist about these ulcerous sores in my crotch, he gave me a salve that he said would clear them up in no time.”
And another class of response, something to say when Alpha tells everyone that Mig has these two websites he devotes a lot of time to and which are fairly famous and everyone around the table says “URL! URL!” Something besides, “eh, ehm, uh…” that would make their eyes glaze over, like, “well, I write a lot about the interface of technology and social interaction, and it’s effects on credibility and credulousness.”
Another glass of that fruity white, please.
So, again, what classes of social situations are there, and what would be appropriate stock responses? Thanks.
I think I’m worse- I would probably be hanging in the back with you guys. I’ve been known to avoid the annoying spotlight of social comparison by simply telling a group of hyper-inquisitive stangers that I work in a gas station.
I fear social situations where I have to meet new people or be part of a large crowd.
My coping strategy? Come up with some medical infliction at the last moment in order to avoid the gathering all together.
I’m not much on the big group things either. I tend to just sit quietly, off to the side, and observe. And, for the most part, speak when spoken to. Come to think of it, by the end of the event someone has usually gotten curious about me and then I become part of the big group. When I’m around people I already know, that’s a different story.
Uh, I guess I’m the exception in this group. Sometimes I hang back a bit, and the whole Swedish language thing still has me flummoxed, but when it’s in English I usually do fine, I’m Mr. Friendly Guy. I’d say the key is not having answers, but rather having questions to ask other people before they can ask you anything, Mig. An awful lot of people like to talk about themselves.
You’re smart, Francis. I’m gonna try that.
“fairly famous”?
I’m the opposite – I’m great at charming the pants off strangers at first meeting, but I haven’t got the stamina to keep it up for an entire evening, and I’m usually exhausted the next day. It’s a lot of work…
The foreign language situation is always a great boon to me and my generally inept socialness — if I can’t think of anything good to say, I can always blame it on not knowing *how* to say it.
Thus, I am much more socially confident in places where I don’t speak a word of the lingo.
If I’m in an English-speaking situation and I get nervous, I sneak out the back, and run run run.
oh, and the “famous” thing was her phrase, not mine, she was just slagging me.
The simple solution is to drag me along. I tend to tote an endless supply of charisma and decoletage – and volumes of inoffensive cocktail chatter for when the political chitchat heats up. Want to know about the logic behind weather patterns? Primate elbow evolution? I’m ready.
I’ve even learned to pause to let my companions have a go, once I’ve given adequate demonstration. ;)
“i work on web sites, mostly using (html, pcp, cint, lisa, kmfdm, insert techie acronym here) and i really think (acronym #1) is superior to (acronym #2 and #3) because … well, oh, you don’t want me to go on about THAT, i know. So what do you do?”
And then they’ll have to agree: Damn right, i don’t want you to go on about that. And they’ll start to blabber.
Just strap on some fake tits. That will make people either avoid you or give you a topic of conversation. Heh.
tits and cleavage. i wish you guys would’ve told me that before i went on my diet.