Well, the results are in for the first Annual Feral Living Feral Valentine’s Limerick Contest. It was a very close decision, and a hotly-contested contest. Every winner receives a beautiful hi-gloss Miggie statuette.

And the winners are:

The first Miggie goes to:
Joeri of uren.dagen.nachten for:
Best non-rhyming limerick by a Belgian

There was an old man in Vienna
That had troubles with his wee old fella
The urologist said
It was all in his head
And smilingly billed him a tenner.

Best metrically-challenged limerick about robots:
D of acerbia.com

There was an old man who lived with robots,
He regaled us daily with whacked-out thoughts,
Althought most astute,
They did not compute,
But they leave the rest of us in knots.

Best limerick about the dangers of premature ejaculation
Michele of a fire inside

I once was in bed in New York
with a man who popped his cork
But he popped it too early
Which in turn made me surly
And I killed him off with a spork.

Winner of the special poets award for rhyming “prick” with “dick”
Michele of a fire inside

I once had a love named Vic
I realized that he was a prick
I signed a decree
saying “I’m rid of thee”
Besides, he had a small dick.

Best use of masturbation in a limerick
Shel of bobupanddown

there once was a man named Conan
who obsessed over the male organ
and said “Oh dear venus”
when he felt a firm penis
and spent Feb 14th like Onan.

Best transvestite limerick
The Dodd
There was a young man from Manhattan
Whose lover had sheets made of satin
But pity the boy
He fell for the ploy
And discover’d that “she” was a man.

Best simultaneous employment of cunnilingus and self-deprecation in a limerick
John

While favoring a lass with my tongue
Back before I was no longer young
I so flittered and fluttered
that she came and then uttered
“I don’t care that you’re not at all hung!”

Best Asian-cuisine limerick
Miriam of dynagirl
I once knew a guy in Milwaukee,
Who wanted some bedroom chop-socky.
He bought me some sushi,
Belched his best John Belushi,
Then passed out face down in his saki.

Special hopeless romantic award goes to
James for the following two:
I once loved a girl with no head,
and asked her to meet me in bed.
She wouldn’t put out.
I started to shout.
And then I noticed she’s dead.

I offered my heart to Celeste,
who rejected my offer to nest.
She askes me why
I started to cry.
I said, “I can’t get it back in my chest”.

Best limerick summing up a rant on someone else’s blog
John

Of Valentine’s Day, rants Michele,
a corporate-induced brand of hell.
A card and a flower
get only her glower
though an act of real love rings her bell.

Best limerick disguised as a poem
Claudia of culturechalks.com

Here is a poem
Just to show’em
That love’s for the birds
Men, a bunch of turds
It’s not worth gettin’ to know’em

Special Enough Already Prolific Award goes to
Roe of metrocake

There once was a young man named Vern
When he peed, it started to burn
“Holy shit,” screamed Vern’s girl,
“I caught VD from Earl!”
“Get all partners tested,” Vern learned!

There once was a young man named Earl
He’s the one who was schtupping Vern’s girl!
After poor Vern did heal
He made that Earl squeal —
Beat the shit out of him ’till he hurled!

There once was a young girl named Bella
First Earl and now Vern was her fella
To break the routine,
Vern, her, and friend Jean,
Had a threesome, way down in her cellar!

It’s time for me to hit the hay
I’m about done with Valentine’s Day
Vern, Bella and Jean
Kept themselves fine and clean
And I think they’re happy to this day!

Slickest use of “urologist”
Roe of metrocake

There once was an old paleontologist
Who wailed to his younger psychologist,
“Every time I do wank
All my sperm, it smells dank!”
He was promptly sent to a urologist!

Most heartbreaking limerick
Joeri of uren.dagen.nachten

A friend that I know in Hoboken
had his valentine’s heart fairly broken
He thought: “Sure enough,
I’ll sell all her stuff!”
Her nudiepics were swiftly token.

Best use of “caramba” in a foreign-language limerick
Tobin of no known address (send me a URL Tobin)

Ik kende een meisje uit Bree
had de ideale Valentijn’s gift mee
Wat een drug, wel caramba
je hormonen deden de samba
En die kus ondergingen we met twee

Best Miguel limerick
Jessica of peace dividend

Miguel had a tin whistle problem
Thought they’d solved it quite well at Hobgoblin
Then he packed it with care
but checked in unaware
that the Heathrow cops’ eyes were agogin’.

Best pharmaceutical limerick
The Dodd

Love being indistinguishable
From a severe OCD fable,
A good healthy nap,
And maybe Prozac,
Will keep those emotions more stable.

Best use of dream imagry in a limerick
BobCorgi of BobtheCorgi, among other fine blogs

We once dreamt about Jerry Lewis.
We were chaste, but he wanted to do us.
It was only a dream,
But it still makes us cream.
If we dream it again, he can screw us.
(originally published on Lilly White

and finally:

First prize and Best of Show goes to
Francis S. of How to Learn Swedish in 1000 Difficult Lessons, an exceedingly charming weblog.

Though his stomach protruded obtrusively,
Sir John dressed in tight suits exclusively;
With his mustache waxed dandy,
equipped with mint candy,
he’d molest the young children abusively.

It was a completely objective decision that had nothing to do with the fact that Francis is an American editor around 40 years of age living in a small but charming European country. He also writes touching poetry (see his entry for 10 February 2002 – I’d link it but the permalink wasn’t working when I visited).

I’d like to thank everyone who entered, sorry not everyone could win, better luck next year and all that. And Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone, or Anti-Valentine’s Day, depending.