Two years ago I had a tooth drilled without anesthetic because I was curious what it feels like. Many Austrians eschew anesthetic when having their teeth drilled (“I have fear of needles”), and I wanted to see what the whole “Marathon Man” thing was about.
I won’t say I was not looking forward to going to the ball, because I was looking forward to it, somehow, but on my way there yesterday, I would have paid $20 to trade places with someone on his way to a meeting with Dr. Szell.
The first ball Alpha and I have ever gone to together started at 8.30 PM. We got there right on time. There was a small orchestra. There was a cheesy band. Friends had reserved a table with a great view of the hall, which was grandly decorated with large floral displays; chandeliers gleaming. Most women, including Alpha, were decked out in ball gowns; most men were in tuxedos, although I was relieved to see that I was not the only man in a suit.
Do you go to a lot of balls? Are social events of this kind a normal occurrence for you? Let me just explain that people did not go to balls where I grew up, at least not anyone I knew. Balls are a very foreign thing for me, especially the social aspect – recognizing and greeting people in time to avoid making them feel snubbed and so on.
Funny thing. I’d always thought I couldn’t dance. But Alpha dragged me out onto the dance floor and there we remained for what felt like hours. It turns out that ballroom dancing is easy if you have the right partner!
Seven fool-proof feral ballroom dancing tips
- Get a partner who knows what she is doing and is wearing a floor-length ball gown
- Dance close to her, so you can hide your feet under her gown
- Do what she says
- This consists mainly of slowly walking forward while she slowly walks backward, and turning every now and then
- Try not to bump into people too hard
- Avoid making a pumping motion with your left hand, which – remember – is sticking out, holding her right hand. People who know how to dance apparently frown on this for some reason.
- Quickly, yet gracefully leave the floor when the tango starts
What else can I tell you about the ball? They had a bar in the basement, where 6 of us had champagne. Among other fine beverages, the bar also served Red Bull and gin tonics. (Red Bull, in fact, is the most successful Austrian export since the Glock pistol.)
Other fall facts: most men look great in a decent tuxedo, and if they can dance they look like James Bond (usual disclaimers apply). They had a disco, run by the usual fat kid with lots of sound equipment, where they happened to be playing oldies (i.e. songs we knew) when we dropped in, so a few of us grownups did some dancing there too. I enjoyed that part because I was able to dance without hiding my feet under Alpha’s dress. It was my lucky night, because the young shaved-headed weight-lifter types who took over our table while we were in the bar and disco didn’t punch me out when I gave them the thumb-over-the-shoulder combined with the head motion sign language for “beat it”. Alpha thinks it’s because she told them to “get up”. I think they may have felt even more awkward than I did, and that saved me.
We ate schnitzels shortly before midnight. At midnight, they take a break and put on a show of some kind. Among other things, dancing chickens.
Last but not least, Beta makes tasty pudding.
I wish you had warned me at the beginning of the post, and I could have run and put on a ballgown before reading this tale.
All that appears to have been missing was the rushing home before midnight in order to prevent having the chariot turn into a pumpkin.
According to my calculations, you appear to be
5 1/2 champagne bottles tall.
(nice dishes.)
Pretty festive evening, I’d say… thanks for the very enjoyable post. If I might add one more tip for the ballroom dancing-challenged: Never wear new shoes the night of. Or, if you must wear them, at least sand the bejeezus out of the bottom soles to avoid unwanted slippage.
What Chris says. My shoes were new and unsanded so everything I did looked a little like the Moonwalk.
i would have liked to have seen that, mig.
and you’re right. alpha doesn’t look like the woman in my dream at all.
you’re cinderella!!!
you and alpha look good together, by the way. a very attractive couple. great smiles.
Yeah, right, like that’s really her. Another hoax perpetrated on the unsuspecting masses. Next time just go ahead photoshop Charlize Theron into the pictures.