Loss of faith

Gamma: When I have a boyfriend, even if he’s handsome and rich, if he gives me a cheap engagement ring when he proposes, he’s out.
Me: …
Gamma: Seriously.
Me: Did you know I gave your mother a ten-cent plastic spider ring?
Gamma: …
Me: It was Halloween.
Me: The Halloween season.
Me: And just… never mind.

I feel sorry for boys. Somewhere, there is a boy Gamma’s age, interested in soccer and bicycles, unaware that his future is already planned out for him.

On the plus side, I am looking forward to the castration of Mr. Evil. Every morning, when the rest of the family are still in bed and think I’m meditating, I weigh him to see if he has passed the two kilo threshhold yet.

Yesterday evening, I found him on the kitchen table, in the wok, eating leftovers. This morning, Beta discovered he had eaten part of her favorite new hat.

I recently experienced a loss of faith, just in connection with suffering, not religion. I don’t believe in suffering anymore, not my suffering, at least.

I still suffer. It just has lost its significance.

We all suffer, right? Everyone does. We may pretend we don’t, or we may disguise the scale of our suffering, but we all do.

Jesus, at least I hope we all do. Wouldn’t that suck, we suffer and some real asshole doesn’t.

Before this recent epiphany of mine, I had not realized what a religion suffering had become for me. For a long time already, but especially last year. 2007 was painful for me, but of course pain is relative and I am aware that what I went through was slight compared to what others went through, probably with superior grace, but still. I won’t miss 2007. At least, I hope I won’t.

One never knows.

I had a lot of laughs, of course, too. But overall, well.

So here I sit, no faith in the significance of my suffering. I’m all, who needs this suffering shit. Nobody.

It’s suprisingly paralyzing. It turns out to have been the framework of my world.

I’m all, whoa.

I’m all, take a nap. Not good for anything.

Also: I’m ready to throw out everything. Whatever that means. That was one good thing about 2007, I guess: maybe I am now in a position where I’m fed up enough with things to change something.

Already, I have an appointment to get my hair cut.

And somewhere, someone plans my future.

9 responses to “Loss of faith

  1. anne

    I shaved my head yesterday. I think 2008 is going to be all about letting stuff go.

  2. Funnily enough I’m sitting up in Ruth’s room avoiding the chaos of children (not mine) and cooking downstairs – so on Ruth’s computer she seems to not really have got the hang of live bookmarks so I go to the two she does have which is you Mig and i read this piece and I know you’ve had a tough year etc. but the second was this: real e fun which I thought was interesting… hopin’ that shaved head works for you.j

  3. cj

    Of course there’s an asshole out there who doesn’t suffer – until the court throws her in jail for a month for a drunk driving conviction that normal people like me would have spent a day in jail for… but she’s not suffering anymore. I work with a guy born under the same sign. He has my exact job title but manages to do far far less with no consequences… until two weeks ago when he had one day equivalent to one of mine. I thought of Paris, and smiled.

  4. Bauke

    “…, I am looking forward to the castration of Mr. Evil.”

    Best. (Out of Context) Sentence. Ever.

    Also. 2008 can only be better. Hell, it *already* is.

  5. mig

    julian, not sure i’m ready for a complete shave. shorter each time, though. although, i suppose that’s normal for haircuts, they’re always shorter, right? real e fun is good! thanks for mentioning it.
    cj, i got into an argument recently with an intelligent person i know who maintained that she was hard-working, as so much celebrity had to require hard work. and also the stupidity must be just an act. giving them the benefit of the doubt, i’m wondering about that. even if she’s right, the act repels me, of course.
    also, grampa cut her off, i heard, so she might be suffering now.
    bauke, i’m wondering whether i ought to simply edit the post to leave only that sentence, and perhaps the gamma quote.
    there is a saying in austria, es kommt nix besseres nach, that echoes in my mind despite my optimism as i sit here hoping 2008 is better for us all. i used to find austrian pessimism attractive, but this little constellation disturbs me.

  6. Happy new Year, mig. I don’t think suffering can be avoided, the question is how much place you allow it to take up in your life. That’s the lesson I learnt from 2007. Didn’t realise that until now. Whoa again.

  7. pam

    I’m pretty sure the a$$hole who lived downstairs from me doesn’t suffer, unless it’s from righteous indignation, which isn’t just if I get to decide.


    It’s funny that you’ve combined the ideas of Gamma’s imaginary non-boyfriend and castrating a cat.

    Just sayin.

  8. A lovely bit of insight expressed here that is quite amazing — particularly the bit of about the ‘insignificance of suffering’. I’m under conviction and I want to become a non-believer as well.

  9. mig

    What Kirsten Marie says is very important: “I don’t think suffering can be avoided, the question is how much place you allow it to take up in your life.”