Gamma: When I have a boyfriend, even if he’s handsome and rich, if he gives me a cheap engagement ring when he proposes, he’s out.
Me: Did you know I gave your mother a ten-cent plastic spider ring?
Me: It was Halloween.
Me: The Halloween season.
Me: And just… never mind.
I feel sorry for boys. Somewhere, there is a boy Gamma’s age, interested in soccer and bicycles, unaware that his future is already planned out for him.
On the plus side, I am looking forward to the castration of Mr. Evil. Every morning, when the rest of the family are still in bed and think I’m meditating, I weigh him to see if he has passed the two kilo threshhold yet.
Yesterday evening, I found him on the kitchen table, in the wok, eating leftovers. This morning, Beta discovered he had eaten part of her favorite new hat.
I recently experienced a loss of faith, just in connection with suffering, not religion. I don’t believe in suffering anymore, not my suffering, at least.
I still suffer. It just has lost its significance.
We all suffer, right? Everyone does. We may pretend we don’t, or we may disguise the scale of our suffering, but we all do.
Jesus, at least I hope we all do. Wouldn’t that suck, we suffer and some real asshole doesn’t.
Before this recent epiphany of mine, I had not realized what a religion suffering had become for me. For a long time already, but especially last year. 2007 was painful for me, but of course pain is relative and I am aware that what I went through was slight compared to what others went through, probably with superior grace, but still. I won’t miss 2007. At least, I hope I won’t.
One never knows.
I had a lot of laughs, of course, too. But overall, well.
So here I sit, no faith in the significance of my suffering. I’m all, who needs this suffering shit. Nobody.
It’s suprisingly paralyzing. It turns out to have been the framework of my world.
I’m all, whoa.
I’m all, take a nap. Not good for anything.
Also: I’m ready to throw out everything. Whatever that means. That was one good thing about 2007, I guess: maybe I am now in a position where I’m fed up enough with things to change something.
Already, I have an appointment to get my hair cut.
And somewhere, someone plans my future.