Research study

Busy on research into the side effects of painkillers this weekend. It’s kind of a lousy study, with only one subject – me – but a big control group – everyone else, and the fact that I’m taking four different products simultaneously might appear to the casual observer to make it difficult to tell which product is causing which side effect, but in fact if one reads the fine print carefully, it becomes clear that each product can cause, in theory, different side effects so that, for example, if I go into shock, it is product A and if my heart slows it is product B whereas if it stops altogether it is product C and we’ll know it’s product D if I become psychotic, which if you ask my wife has already happened. The only side effect one doctor (I have in fact been to two so far, because try getting a single non-internet doctor to prescribe four painkillers nowadays) warned me about was dizziness in the case of the one you’re not supposed to take if you are or ever have been addicted to narcotics, because it could make one dizzy and also you could sweat, so don’t drive on this one.
I ran straight home (figure of speech, I am not actually running at the moment, but rather taking tiny little resthome steps with a Nordic Walking pole in each hand – I highly recommend Nordic Walking, by the way, as a form of exercise, better upper body workout than walking or running, and easier on the joints than running, and always good for a joke) and took the first one he prescribed me (I had been at his office getting an intravenous other painkiller after taking a different one in the middle of the night) and it didn’t seem to do much so a couple hours later I took the one that makes you dizzy but so far I’m not dizzy, although my composition/editing skills have obviously taken a hit.
Doctor 1 and doctor 2 both also considered prescribing muscle relaxants, of which I am in favor, but product 1 makes me suicidal (previous research) and product 2 gives me a persistant facial rash similar to acne (which then makes me depressed) so they passed, unfortunately. I figure if I get really desperate, a little gin would have a relaxing effect on top of the rest of this stuff.
Take good care of your back kids, this has been a public service announcement.

7 responses to “Research study

  1. k.

    i’m very, very sorry about the pain. we, at my house, become more and more familiar with it as our lives continue to slop along and the earth ages.

    myself, i kinda like dizzy, but not suicidal.

    feel better as soon as they let you.

    they being them.

  2. pam

    That sucks, Mig, I’m sorry to hear about the pain, I hope the dope is at least somehow enjoyable.

    I took relaxants once and ended up sitting in bed weeping. I called my doc the next day and she said, “Yeah, that happens some times, stop taking them.” A warning might have been nice, or at least I should have done what you did – read the labels.

  3. Jann

    The good news is that these acute back episodes genarally resolve with conservative treatment. I don’t know from personal experience, but several people have told me that lying on the floor helps, or at least the pain is more tolerable that way. I hope you feel better soon.

  4. Jann


  5. mig

    thanks. the drugs are helping. from what i hear (and have experienced), that’s about all that helps in the acute phase. allegedly, physical therapy, massage, exercise and therapy therapy help after that.

  6. Take care of your hands, too. Hand surgeons are such effing divas, implying at every consult that the self-employed girl is trying to run some kind of wkman’s comp gambit on herself until finally one of them sees the cute leather straps on her customized splint, is awakened from his paperpushing stupor by the latent leather fetish, and looks a little closer at her xrays.
    Pineapple helps. You can even get bromelain in pill form, now. Pineapple + oatmeal + percocet w/electrostim. on top = just about almost ok. Avoid tomatoes, peppers, potatoes; their enzymes look v. much like pain, to yr brain.

  7. Does at say on one of the packages that it makes really really talkative and/or creates the desire to write long, convoluted sentences? Because it seems to me that your writing style used to be a bit more straightforward. ;-)