Cecil B. DeMille’s whips-and-slaves theory of the construction of the pyramids and the raising-giant-blocks-of-stone-by-kite theory have both come under fire by scientists who claim the pyramids are simply cast concrete. Actually, the theory has been around for like 20 years or more, but is strongly resisted by many. The Egyptian government, for example (according to a recent newspaper article) refuses to allow scientists to take any more samples from the stones of the pyramids to test the theory.

The ancient Egyptians as you know, are believed to have worshipped cats. Like, what cat owner doesn’t sooner or later find him/herself in a relationship with the cat that strongly resembles worship?

And speaking of cats, especially red, water loving cats, my cat Moritz fell into the toilet yesterday. But I got him out in time.

A photo on the front page of the newspaper on my desk shows what I took at first glance to be two rows of gold rings with big rubies mounted in the center, but at second glance turned out to be two rows of soldiers standing at attention, dressed in camoflague uniforms, wearing red berets, seen from above.

On Austria’s highways, it is not unusual to get stuck behind a military truck full of bored recruits going somewhere, sleeping, picking their noses or staring out the back at you with blank expressions on their faces. Around Christmas time, it is also common to see trucks piled high with Christmas trees wrapped in nylon netting on their way to Vienna’s markets. One morning not too long ago, on my way to work, I followed what I thought was a truckload of recruits, staring at me out of sleepy faces, for about half a mile before I realized they were really Christmas trees.

Have you ever done this: seen someone and thought, “Who’s that dorky-looking person?” and then realized it was your reflection?

Mom called the other day to check whether her Christmas package had arrived yet. I told her it hadn’t, we talked about various other family things, the state of health of elderly relatives and so on, and eventually ended up discussing the best way to deliver biological agents, from the terrorist’s point of view. We agreed that although the antrax in the post thing was extremely well-done, spreading anthrax, botulism or something else would probably work even better through the food industry. She was thinking about sprinkling it on the produce at a supermarket, while I, on the other hand, remembered a summer job at a cannery and figured a person inside a processing plant of some sort could, were he at the right point in the process, contaminate a lot of packages.

what’s wrong with 911 sympathy songs
car door frozen shut
“Error reading from the control connection!”
Pinworms+Candy, Euro hoax, cat vomit
frozen car doors
“8-ball” magic photo “don’t ask” later outlook
feral sponge
frozen car doors, door frozen shut
how do I keep cats off my cars?
“Charlize Theron Naked”
car door frozen shut
save world my has doctor excused due
fiat doblo reviews
car door frozen.

(When two or more search requests are on the same line, I have seperated them by a comma. Click on the link in the title for more information about search request poems.)

1. Different goals: bunnies concentrate on the three F’s: frolicking, fucking and feeding on cabbages in Mr. MacGregor’s garden, while a big, mean German Shepherd wants to rip your face off.
2. Elicit different verbal reactions: a father, when he sees bunnies, will say to his small daughter, “Look! Bunnies!” On the other hand, when a big, mean German Shepherd runs up and starts sniffing the same small daughter, the father says, to her, “look out,” and “get back in the car until this dog goes away.” To the person walking the dog, with a leash in her hand that is for some reason not clipped to the dog’s collar despite the fact that she is walking her dog past a daycare center, the father says, “you know, that dog really should be on a leash, at the very least to avoid frightening children and parents even if you are so deluded that you believe it would never bite someone, which is, let’s face it, it’s job in life,” although the father is by this point so apoplectic with fury that what he says sounds more like, “OOGA-BOOGA leash!” Then, when safely out of range, he adds, “Moron!”
3. Different long term effects: after spying bunnies, that same father might feel slightly lighter and more playful for the rest of the day without remembering why, and might even think about turning on the old lava lamp when he gets home. In the case of the dog, so much adrenalin has been pumped into his system that the same man grows a thick layer of hair all over his body and grunts like Lon Chaney the day before full moon.

Vampires . Energy vampires . Energy sucking, dirty, rotten psychic vampires of the worst kind:

The humor vampire.

Some of you have complained that Feral Living hasn’t been funny in the last couple weeks. You asked whether I was feeling alright. This is what happened: I had a run-in with a humor vampire. I was unable to make a funny joke for over two weeks.

You have, I’m sure, heard about energy suckers. These psychic vampires, whether the occult kind who actually drain your life force or the… everyday kind who actually drain your life force by complaining, making you angry, and boring you are well-known. But the humor vampire took me entirely by surprise.

HumorVampire: Hi.
Victim: Hey. Happy New Year. How’re you doing?
HumorVampire: Oh, okay.
Victim: So, what’s new?
HumorVampire: Oh, nothing much.
Victim: [Wits already starting to wane] Um, uh…
HumorVampire: What are you doing?
Victim: I’m, uh, trying to chat and work at the same time.
HumorVampire: Oh, that’s nice.
Victim:…
HumorVampire: Weather’s been gray here.
Victim: That’s nice. Cold here.

And so on. This is your warning. Be on your guard against the humor vampire.