06May / 2009

A note to my 16-year-old self

Do everything exactly as I did, changing absolutely nothing, because if you change anything, even the smallest detail, it will ripple through the space-time continuum and – like an Amazonian butterfly wingflap causing a hurricane on the other side of the world (yes, you heard me right, there will be a period of time in your future when people say idiotic bullshit things like that) – possibly change something, and you don’t want to change anything, believe me. You don’t want to change the house you live in, the beautiful woman you are married to, or your children, who are funny, beautiful and brilliant and love you as much as you love them, if you can imagine such a thing, and you love them perhaps imperfectly, but absolutely. Change nothing at all. You will suffer, but less than many people, and you will witness intense beauty both great and small, and you will be very happy, for the most part.

Now, if you can be absolutely sure that you can change a few things at your age without fucking things up for me, here are a few small tips:

Stop worrying about the size of your johnson*, it’s perfectly fine, and anyway it’s not the size that matters, it’s how much of the housework you do.
Soon you will be seventeen. In that year, punk music will happen, and you will go to Europe, and kiss a pretty girl, and grow a beard. Seriously, it will be a great year.
However, when a drunk guy driving a van cuts you off on the freeway near 78th St., please slam on your brakes instead of swerving, because if you swerve you will hit a car and it will be your fault. No one will be hurt, but it will suck nevertheless.
Isn’t “swerve” the coolest word?
Take better care of your lower back. Running, swimming and working out with weights all help.
Coincidentally, they also help with depression. Perhaps seek therapy for this as well, if more exercise doesn’t do it, it will improve the quality of your life considerably. Melancholy is fine, but depression is a waste of your life.
Begin taking electric bass lessons immediately, if you get good you are practically certain of finding a spot in a band. Cello also. It is a beautiful instrument and you will sound better when you are older.
Before doing anything, ask yourself a question: Is this stupid? If the answer is yes, and you still do it, and it really was stupid, learn from it and don’t do it again.
Also ask yourself: Will doing this hurt someone more than if I don’t do it? If it will, don’t do it. In general, try to pay closer attention to other people’s feelings and don’t hurt them, you will regret it all your life if you do.
However: learn the difference between wisdom and fear, and grant the former a larger role in your life, and the latter a smaller role.
Your dad: talk to him, watch him more closely, listen to him. He loves you deeply, he is just giving you space and giving you a choice. He is letting you make your own mistakes. He has some good advice, try to get as much of it as you can. If you can, make friends with him, because you will miss him sorely when he dies.
Be friendlier to people, and kinder, and do not fear them
Study writing if that’s what you want to do. Don’t waste your time studying economics, you’ll forget everything after graduation anyway. Study more languages, you have an aptitude at your age.
Buy Microsoft stock, as much as you can. Keep buying it until Google stock becomes available, then sell all your Microsoft stock and buy Google, then sell that in like 2008 or something.

*my apologies to people named Johnson, it’s just my favorite word for wang**.

**my apologies to people named Wang***

***also people named Dick, and Pecker, and so on

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04May / 2009

Dazed and confused

That’s my Led Zeppelin song, I took a test. I only took the test because I was hoping for “Immigrant Song”.

Word to the wise? If you’re at all absent-minded, don’t read articles about warning signs of dementia if you’re also prone to hypochondria.

Have a nice week.

P.S. what happened to doctors who like you would go to and ask what you had and they would tell you and give you a prescription that would cure whatever you had and you were done? Because I have been to three specialists for something dermatological, one of them three times because she is the nicest. The nice one has given me three diagnoses: A, B and Not Sure. The other two gave me one diagnosis each, different from the first one. One of the other two gave me a diagnosis within 30 seconds of entering his examination room, a prescription for something that did not work, and the business card of someone else he does business with. The nice one, to whom I recently returned, gave me a new prescription to go with the “not sure” diagnosis that I discovered upon reading the warning information lists among its side effects causing my original diagnosis in a small number of cases.

This is getting a little too circular for comfort.

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28Apr / 2009

On the importance of historical context

swine

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28Apr / 2009

Ten free ways to have fun in troubled economic times

Has thrift replaced profligacy at the top of your priority list? Are you looking for ways to have fun and save money at the same time? Try some of these next weekend:

See how long you can hold your breath. Optional equipment: stopwatch, or watch with a second hand, or some other way of measuring seconds. Alternative: just pretend to have a stopwatch, because the trick here is to fool other people, especially noisy children, into having a breath-holding contest. We did this a lot at my house when I was a kid, usually at my father’s instigation, and I only figured it out recently.
See how long you can hold your hand in icy salt water. This used to be the funnest part of making hand-cranked ice cream when I was a kid. My brother always won, because he was insane*. Necessary equipment: bukkit, water, ice, salt.
Jump out of a hiding place and scare people. My wife and Gamma did this to me a few days ago, and they laughed so hard!
Make rubber-band guns out of junk and pieces of inner tubes, and have wars. (My mother still fondly recalls watching the big kids do this back in the Depression)
Dig a hole.** Necessary equipment: shovel, dirt.
Meditate. Optional equipment: cats.
Fly a jumbo jet. I bet that rocks. Drawback: need a jumbo jet. Advantage: if you have a pilot’s license, they’ll actually pay you to do this.
Go into a Banana Republic and ask to use their telephone. We tried this in Seattle a few years ago, this freaks them out for some reason. Maybe they think you’re poor. When they refuse, ask to at least see their phone book.
Make a list of all the things you’re doing wrong, and correct them.
Find out where the nursing college dormitory is, and when shower time is, and sit in a tree outside (this works better in summer than in winter, due to foliage considerations). This is only free if you already have binoculars.

*He no longer does this, having discovered spicy chili pepper eating contests.

**Works for me.

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23Apr / 2009

On style

Your opinions evolve over time. These are now my opinions on women’s fashions:

It looks just fine.
No, it does not make your ass look fat.

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23Apr / 2009

I had a nice title, what was it again?

Uploading fotos just now, I decide to send Gamma to photography lessons, because she totally manages to make me look like a fat, old dumbass.

Maybe it’s the low angle, she’s a kid, you know?

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16Apr / 2009

Little-known facts about the Mayan apocalypse

mapocalypse1

If you are in a management position, the Mayan apocalypse will fuck you up.
The Mayan apocalypse will also fuck up everyone else, sorry!
The Mayan apocalypse is especially looking forward to wiping out casted entertainers.
The Mayan apocalypse’s favorite color is red.
The Mayan apocalypse dreams of living in a nice treehouse.
The Mayan apocalypse looks at the skin on the inside fold of its elbow and noticing it is suddenly a little wrinkly in the wrong light, wonders when that happened.
Phil Spector freaks out the Mayan apocalypse.
Things spoil real fast in the Mayan apocalypse’s refrigerator, and the Mayan apocalypse can’t figure out why.
The Mayan apocalypse sees beauty everywhere, in a house fire or the sound of the paper-man’s car driving away at 4.30 a.m., a young blond woman in a green shawl talking about economics, a row of radishes sprouting, or you. Something about you is beautiful, surely.
The Mayan apocalypse loves you, and feels real bad it’s going to have to fuck you up, but that’s its nature.
The Mayan apocalypse still has most of its hair, especially on its back.
The Mayan apocalypse was just outside watering things, and when it closes its eyes it sees pink apple blossoms.
When it’s alone wandering around the house, the Mayan apocalypse likes to say, “No one expects the Mayan apocalypse!” sort of ironically.
The Mayan apocalypse has a black Sharpie and marks off each day on its calendar with a big black “X”.
The Mayan apocalypse will not be televised.

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