Norway

Beta moved to Norway for a while to study international law.

Yesterday she was at a bonfire on a frozen lake. I guess lakes really freeze in Norway, or they are more careful with their bonfires.

I was talking to Gamma about her sister. Man, I said. She has cojones, I said. No way would I have had the guts to move to another country when I was 21. Except, hang on, that’s when I moved to Austria the first time.

Well, no way would I have had the guts to move to France when I was 15. Or go to Scotland for a week by myself for a harp festival when I was 13.

No way.

Life on the edge

I stepped outside my comfort zone this morning and tied a different knot in my tie.

It’s asymmetrical, so I’m guessing it’s either a four-in-hand or a close relative thereof, but I can’t be sure because I have forgotten how one ties a four-in-hand and just improvised. I just googled diagrams but I have a problem reading knot diagrams.

My uncle used to come over to our house when he needed a tie tied and my father would tie it for him. When he got married, my father tied his tie.

I had to tie his tie for my father’s funeral. And my brother’s tie.

Except I can’t remember if my brother wore a tie to our father’s funeral. He might have worn a polo shirt and cowboy boots.

And pants.

But I tied his tie a couple times. Maybe for weddings.

Anyway here I sit with an asymmetrical knot.

I feel like a dog sticking his head out the window on the freeway.

The day the smallest man in the world shrank to nothing

It was evening, when the smallest man in the world realized he had lost everything.

And it was winter, so it was pretty dark.

One minute he’s up to his knees in shit, trying to figure things out as usual, and the next he no longer is.

It’s all gone.

When he had thought about this moment in the past, considered it, it had been a scary thing.

So this joy he felt surprised him.

A deep and unabashed joy.

He looked at himself, but there was nothing there.

He turned around, and all was shadow.

“Hello there,” said the man formerly known as the smallest man in the world.

Secret New Year’s Resolutions

Somebody asked me whether I had made any New Year’s resolutions and if so what one of them was.

I made up some bullshit thing. I don’t remember what. Probably “quit smoking.”

I started smoking in the last week of December, in order to have a bad habit to resolve to give up, and also Christmas had been stressful. All that family, all that disappointment to deal with because you misheard what people wanted. Or because you got them what they said they wanted, precisely, and not what they implied they really wanted.

So, officially, “quit smoking”. Nothing like starting the year with a big success.

Secretly, I resolved to take the advice I give other people.

It’s all about Jung, and the Shadow, and projection. If somebody is doing something that doesn’t wind you up, you generally don’t feel compelled to give them advice. If something they do really bugs you, then maybe it’s an issue you need to deal with yourself, on one level or another.

To date, I have taken the following advice:

  • Stay in the right lane if you’re not going to go the speed limit, moron.
  • Park between the lines, it’s not that hard.
  • In on the gas, out on the clutch.
  • If you can’t find ‘em, grind ‘em.
  • Don’t be an asshole.
  • Clean up after yourself.
  • Complaining about being fat doesn’t burn many calories. If you want to lose weight, you have to exercise more and eat less.
  • Don’t sharpen your claws on the goddamned furniture.
  • Stay out of the Christmas tree.
  • Throw out the old clothes you no longer wear.
  • Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice.
  • Try to read more.
  • Clean up after yourself.
  • The time will come when invisibility is no longer the best response.

More to come.

(What are your New Year’s resolutions?)

Before death takes a holiday, he fills his tank

Death still has half a tank, but he’s doing something after work tomorrow so he swings into the filling station on his way home from work.

The architecture of the filling station is like this: building on the right, with the cash register, snacks and drinks and magazines, a couple poker machines, tobacco products, office in back. Next to that, restrooms and a garage bay.

There are three rows of pumps – one on the left, and then two rows on the right, back to back. So in theory two vehicles could be filling up on the left line, two more next to them and on the right side two more.

That is, beneath the roof extending out leftward (from death’s current position) from the building, there are two open spaces. The wider space, on the left, has a row of two pumps on its left side and a row of two more on its right side. The backs of those pumps abut another row of pumps which are along the left side of the right open space. The right side of the right space is the face of the building.

Death’s car’s gas cap is on the driver’s (left) side.

When he arrives at the gas station, there are two cars. One is a large, white delivery van parked diagonally in the wider left space, effectively blocking both left and right pumps. The other is a small, blue compact blocking the right space.

Both owners are in the building. Death waits for one of them to come out before committing himself to a row.

The large white delivery van reminds him of when he used to drive a large, white delivery van in college. You drove it standing up. He very nearly rear-ended a car in Vancouver, Washington once, down near the I-5 bridge, because he was watching a girl. Imagine that! What is it with death and maidens? He slammed on his brakes at the last possible second. It was summer, he was young and strong, and the tires screeched on the asphalt.

Two women with long, frizzy, light blonde hair and dark blue coats exit the building and climb into the blue car. Death leaves his motor idling, moves his car up behind theirs and waits for them to drive off, but they don’t. They don’t appear to be doing anything. They don’t seem to be having a discussion, or looking for the key (the driver had that in her hand already while exiting the building) or arguing or talking on a mobile phone or programming the navigation device or finding a station on the radio.

They are just sitting there.

Okay, death thinks. Whatever. They will eventually notice a car behind them and drive away.

Meanwhile the driver of the van exits the building in a hurry. He looks over at the van, but then turns left and tries the door of the men’s room. Finding it locked, he goes back inside for the key. He dashes back out, unlocks the door and disappears inside.

The blue car now has death curious. What are they doing? Why are they not moving? Are they rude? Distracted by some emergency or crisis? Having a quiet argument? Blind with grief? Laughing over a joke? Are they just stupid morons?

Cause, seriously, death is two meters behind their car, in his own car, motor idling, lights on.

Death waits a little longer, then gets out of the car and walks over to the driver’s side window of the blue car. The two women are sitting inside, looking straight ahead.

Weird, death thinks.

He bends over and taps on the glass.

The driver looks over at him and her entire body jerks such that she is airborne a couple inches before bouncing back down into the seat. Her facial expression is one of panic, briefly.

Am I so scary looking, wonders death. Maybe so. He is about six feet tall, after all, and male, and wearing a long black coat. Death wonders how she would react if he popped up from the back seat, wearing scary fake teeth, on some dark road. It would be the end of her story, he thinks.

The woman recovers and vacillates briefly between rolling down her window and opening her door. Death would roll down his window, but she opens her door a crack.

Excuse me, says death. Would you mind moving your car a few meters forward so I can put gas in my tank?

The woman nods and drives forward a few meters, then stops. Death moves his car and begins filling his tank. While he does so, the woman moves her car again, further forward and to the right, over by the high-pressure water washer things and the coin-operated vacuums. Then she loops around to the left, making a U, until she is in front of the diagonally-parked delivery van, blocking its easy exit.

The delivery truck driver exits the men’s room, returns the key, and jockeys the van back and forth until it can get around the blue car,  and drives off.

Death goes inside and pays. He has a bad taste in his mouth and wants to get chewing gum, but the cashier rings up his gas so fast he doesn’t have a chance to tell her he wants gum and doesn’t want to make her change what she’s rung up so he just lives with it. He pays and returns to his car.

The blue car has turned around again so it is in front of him. It drives off, slowly, death behind it. Out of town plates, notices death. Maybe they’re just lost and trying to figure things out. He gives them plenty of space.

At home, death’s wife is working in her office.

Sorry, death says, I don’t want to bother you for long. I just wanted to give you a kiss. He kisses his wife.

That’s okay, she says. People bug me all the time at work. For hours on end.

Oh do they? says death. Anyone at work do this? He reaches around and squeezes his wife’s breasts.

Is that a trick question? says his wife.

They laugh and laugh.

That death. What a joker.

The Ghost of Christmas Future meets the Smallest Man in the World

So the smallest man in the world is driving along. He just hit a patch of ice so he’s taking it easy. The windows are fogged up a little, in the corners where the vents don’t get them, and encrusted with salt on the outside. As they pass the sugar refinery his daughter asks him what he’s chuckling about.

The look on my… hair stylist’s (he always has to pause to consider what they’re called nowadays) face were I to tell her to “make me look cool” when I go in for my haircut tonight, he says.

Oh, his daughter says.

Lose twenty pounds first, says the smallest man in the world. Then we can talk about trying to look cool. For a small guy, he could lose a lot of weight. And he is small. He’s under eight inches now.

He can barely see over the steering wheel.

He tries to remember if he just told his daughter how awesome she is, or if he only thought it.

He pats her on the leg and tells her, just to be on the safe side.

What is with these people who can recall every day of their life and every thing that ever happened to them? That would totally suck, even if you had a charmed life.

The smallest man in the world is more at the goldfish end of the memory spectrum, at least when he thinks about his life as a whole. But when he tries to recall certain things, he generally can in great detail. Like, he can’t remember, offhand, going to Greece with his family, or keep the individual trips they made there on vacation seperate. But he can remember the rat that jumped as high as his face when he cornered it with a blue push broom in their bungalow in the middle of the night while his wife and daughters danced on their bed, and the way it could navigate their holiday bungalow like an expert in the dark, but couldn’t find its way out the front door when he opened it.

Like that.

The smallest man in the world is meeting his wife for Christmas punch after his haircut.

When he thinks that, he is no longer driving, he’s all, where am I?

I am the Ghost of Christmas Future, says a voice.

The smallest man in the world observes that the Ghost of Christmas Future is totally fucking hot but doesn’t say anything.

I am here to show you the upcoming Christmas.

I’d rather be surprised, says the smallest man in the world. Just surprise me.

I have to show you something, says the Ghost of Christmas Future.

Show me tonight then, says the smallest man in the world.

Doink, something went, “doink” and they were watching the smallest man in the world’s wife standing at a punch stand, talking to one of her many friends who she happened to bump into while waiting for her husband to finish his haircut.

“She cut it pretty short,” she says when her husband arrives.

He shrugs.

She picks him up and he sits on a gold chain around her neck like a swing so he is more at eye level. He looks like gangsta bling.

What’re you having, she asks.

Something strong. Turbo punch if they have it, something along those lines, he says.

She tells him about her day, he tells her about his day.

They drink punch.

The smallest man in the world thinks about abundance and utopia. He is convinced the world is an abundant utopia that we just happen to be ruining because we are so stuck on how to get to heaven that we don’t notice we’re already there.

Except for one thing. In his utopia, the smallest man in the world would be the boss. And he’s not the boss here. But that’s just a personal thing. His personal utopia. In a real, general utopia, he could handle not being the boss, and this is actually pretty close. Especially with this punch, wow.

He stands close to his wife and puts his arm around her. He can do this and hang from a golden chain around her neck at the same time.

Then, doink, he’s back in his car with his daughter. Wow, I almost just missed the turn and took you to work with me today, he says.

People do that a lot, says his daughter.

Look at that asshat, he says. If he comes to a stop in the parking lot entrance to let his kid out and blocks me out here in the fucking street I’m fucking honking.

Don’t you dare, says his daughter.

He lets her out and stays there watching her until she’s safely across the street. Then he goes to work. Then he has lunch, then he goes home.

And so on. There, in his abundant utopia.

And then I found ten dollars…

Technical question:

Had WIFI problems so my provider sent me a new, improved modem. I installed it. The connection via ethernet cable works fine, using it right now on the PC. The WIFI says it’s fine, but I can’t get online with my macbook. Sometimes it claims to have a connection, one time I even got a page to load, but lost the connection soon thereafter. Usually, I get a connection timeout while it’s trying to log in.

Checking various forums, I noticed many mac owners have problems where macbooks which had worked fine suddenly can’t get online although they think they can.

So I don’t know if this is a problem with my new modem or with my old macbook.

Neither did the service line guy I just talked to. He suggested resetting the modem and reinstalling it, or having a technician come out (€€€) or calling the non-free helpline.

One of which I will do, but before I do, I wanted to ask you guys for any input or suggestions you may have here so I sound like less of a dork the next time I call one of these people. Is there anything I can do, for example, with my macbook to improve my chances of getting a connection or finding out what the problem is?

Anything else I ought to be looking into?

Thanks in advance.