Recalling my goal of landing some free-lance writing work I have decided to get in a little practice doing some more serious (or at least more commercial) writing here and learning from your comments. Pam mentioned this article in a recent tweet. Apparently some guy wrote it and Wired bought it. I found the article humorous yet incomplete. Only five things? I could think of at least five more. Then it occurred to me, in view of the above-mentioned, that I could always write my list and post it here.
So here it is: Five More Things Not to Let the Kids Bring into the Car
1. A Saturday Night Special
Not the band, and not the gun.
Especially not the gun. A Saturday night special is dangerous only at close range. Inaccurate at any distance greater than five feet, it is useless in a road rage situation, and eventually the kids will get the drop on you and you’ll end up driving to the mall everytime you get in the car. Or wherever it is kids like to drive to nowadays.
2. A Barbary ape
YOU DO NOT WANT A BARBARA APE IN YOUR CAR UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! NOT EVEN ONE!
THEY ARE NOT CUTE AND THEY ARE NOT FUNNY!
BARBARY APES ARE THE ASSWIPES OF THE ANIMAL KINGDOM!! DON’T LET ANY INTO YOUR CAR, NOT EVEN ONE!
Everyone wants to get their kids interested in science, and to support this interest wherever they can. Antimatter, however, has no place in traffic.
According to the current Wikipedia article on antimatter, “… mixing matter and antimatter would lead to the annihilation of both in the same way that mixing antiparticles and particles does, thus giving rise to high-energy photons (gamma rays) or other particle–antiparticle pairs.”
Few things are more distracting when driving than high-energy photons.
4. A nest of wasps
We all know how distracting (and dangerous!) a single wasp can be. Well, imagine having an entire nest of wasps in your car!
Barbary apes are nothing next to a nest of wasps.
If you had a nest of wasps in your car, you’d be wishing for a Barbary ape instead.
Or a Saturday night special.
Or even antimatter, depending on the amount.
5. William Shatner
William Shatner’s rendition of the Beatles’ “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” is epic, I just heard it on the radio. I was going to include a link here, but just do a search, I don’t know what is legal anymore and what isn’t.
Likewise, his readings of Sarah Palin’s beat poetry were also genius.
At first. But, you know. We get it, Mr. Shatner.
Can you imagine trying to drive while he’s reading Sarah Palin’s Facebook status updates or something?
“Captain Kirk is climbing a mountain” is probably better than “99 bottles of beer on the wall”, though.
I’m also a fan of Mr. Shatner’s “Mr. Tambourine Man” and his role as an aging William Shatner on “Boston Legal.” Amazing the things they can do with makeup these days.
i’m so glad i ever found your blog in the first place, whatever year that was.
(also, william shatner is one of those crazy people who makes my world a better place. what insane thing will he do next? i stay tuned)
“Few things are more distracting when driving than high-energy photons.”
Well, lookie there! If that’s not BareBonezNothin, as I do live and breathe…..