Notes on the proper selection of an appropriate amulet

Ask the sun, when you fell upon me, reflected off the orange garbage truck my streetcar was stuck behind on the way to work this morning, filling the streetcar with bright amber light and turning the interior into mysterious silhouettes, was it a judgement or a blessing? Or do you not perceive any of us at all?
Ask the crows, what say the slain? And listen to their answer: they are waiting for you to delineate your sadness over your mom dying, to put a name on it, for you to find a balance for it between heart and head but for that to happen it has to come out of the dark. They are waiting for you to understand something ununderstandable.
Ask the bear, do you feel like I do when I am walking down the stairs at the subway station and faster descenders pass me right and left when you stand in the river and running salmon crowd past you on their way to spawn, or is there a difference bc you are eating them and I am not? And are people right who say a fish does not perceive the water surrounding it, or are fish as aware of it as we are of air and ground, do they even hold swimming contests and do they maybe, crowding into the mouth of a river on their way to spawn, arrange dates when they hit it off, baby that shady spot under the alder tree, lay your eggs there, I have so much milt for you.
Walk in a circle while reading the instructions on the can of blue insulation foam, especially the bit that says ‘only fill the space 1/3 of the way with foam, as it continues to expand after application’ because if not the foam will expand uncontrolled and drip onto the floor and onto the attic ladder/steps, the bookcase, two books, your slippers, your shirt, your glasses and your hair, and if that happens do not try to wash it out of your hair because the instructions also say, For better adhesion dampen target area prior to application, and if you read that after making your hair wet you will feel like a moron, justifiably, and the insulation foam remover you rush to the hardware store for won’t work for you either, although if you make an emergency appointment with your hair stylist she will, together with two colleagues, in the emergency hair salon operating room you didn’t realize they had, using the foam remover and some stuff they use to remove hair extensions, in a dramatic and slightly painful medical-drama-style operation not only successfully remove every last bit of foam (which is, chemically, a close relative of super glue) from your hair, which you had expected would have to be shaved off, they will also laugh while working on you and say, “This is a first, this is one for the books, we have never had anything like this,” and ultimately style your hair and leave you looking nicer than ever, and charge you such a paltry sum you give everyone big tips.
Ask the crows, what say the dead, to which they will answer, nothing today.
Then wander into the junk shop with your eyes closed and hold your hands over the amulets and feel the vibes.

Careers in Science: Catechectics

Here is the way to piss off the catechectician: answer his question with another question.

It works every time.

It works like a charm.

A question is followed by an answer.

“I don’t know” is acceptable, if you don’t know an answer.

“I’d rather not answer that,” is acceptable, if you’d rather not answer.

“Did you take out the garbage, did you feed the cats, why are you asking, how am I supposed to know, what’s that on your nose?” are all unacceptable.

It’s very simple.

Question, answer. Like that.

This: “?” is followed by this: “.”, and not another “?”.

The catechectician also is tired of being criticized. He is so tired of it, in fact, that he says the hell with it and leaves the person criticizing him.

It is night time. It is dark and the catechectician is tired. He drives around in the dark planning his next move. The best plan he can come up with is to drive in a big circle as he realizes the only hotel nearby sucks and he has no friends he could drop in on.

The catechectician dislikes three things above all, in his immediate vicinity: questions answered with questions, criticism and drama.

He wonders, am I projecting?

Am I the one causing drama, like by walking out?

Maybe?

Who’s asking? he asks.

Who wants to know?

The catechectician consults the I Ching online and gets such awesome results he continues consulting it until the I Ching gets sick of it and stops making sense.

Quit being an asshole, says the I Ching.

If you want to attract people, you have to be attractive, says the I Ching.

Fill your well, says the I Ching.

Who’s asking? says the I Ching.

Who wants to know?

Fighting bad guys

A minor chord sits on the sofa and wonders why this character in this police drama he watches on television sometimes gets under his skin the way she does. She is an afterthought! She has no dramatic function! She could be edited right out and things would still make sense, no one would miss her and no scenes would need to be reshot! All she does is make unimportant observations, agree with the other characters or once in a very great while provide a little exposition the writers were too lazy to squeeze in more creatively. It is as if the producers were contractually obligated to use this actress so ordered the writers to add a role for her in finished scripts and they did so, lazily. She has no profile. She is invisible, and yet there she is!

She needs something. She needs to battle a bad guy, be in peril, shoot a gun, jump into cold water, break a bone (her own or someone else’s). And not just stand there like a character in a show set in a room with an automatic door opener who tells other characters, “The door is closed. Look, the door just opened. Now it’s open. Now it’s closed again.”

The minor chord sits there and wonders what it is about her he so dislikes, and why.

It takes him a while to figure it out.

Meanwhile he goes to Oslo and sees graffitti on a wall in blue or purple (he forgets) block letters a meter high: “LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL”.

Thank you Oslo, he thinks.

Meanwhile, he remembers something someone said about having your love rejected is more painful than not being loved. Might just be right.

Still, life is beautiful and so on.