Cluster

The week before last, on Sunday, in downtown Vienna, on the Graben, down a few doors from Demel’s coffeehouse/restaurant, a woman I was talking to hiked her skirt up to show me a large bruise on her thigh. She showed me others on her arm, etc. They were from luggage and furniture. She bruises easily, she told me, so doctor visits are sometimes awkward because she has to convince them she is not in an abusive relationship.

The next day, another woman told me she bruised easily and showed me one on her hip, from a computer table.

It made me wonder whether I had developed some new variety of charisma. Or whether this was a result of using deodorant (normally I am reluctant to use such products as they make my armpits itch. But this one I have now is quite pleasant, much to everyone’s probable relief).

The next day, though, my poor wife gave herself a large knot over the left eye when she tried to run through the bathroom door to see what time it was in case she was late, and the door swang shut and she hit it edge-on. Turns out she has a concussion and needs bed rest.

That was a week ago today. Last night, we were sitting out on the terrace enjoying the evening. Talking about how she needs to go in for some sort of a scan as an old whiplash injury of hers seems to be acting up, when a small green peach, hard as a stone and about the size of a full-sized apricot and traveling very fast, hit her in the right cheekbone just under her eye. She felt lucky, because it missed her glasses.

I expected her to have a black eye today, but she looked okay. Still, though. Poor woman.

We explained to the boys playing in the neighbor’s backyard (their grandsons) what had happened, but they just shrugged and blamed the neighbor girl. So my wife called their grandmother and explained, and the grandmother went out into the backyard and bitched at them.

4 responses to “Cluster

  1. This is my bi-annual pitch for a dog around the house again. A nice German Shepherd who would play with the girls, lie at your feet, and launch a response on such attacks so fast that guilty parties would never make the same mistake twice.

  2. paul

    So the implication is that your new deoderant causes bruising and injuries in women? Hmmm, doesn’t sound like a good marketing hook..

  3. mig

    I hadn’t thought of it that way, Paul… I just figured women were more likely to engage in acts of thigh-bruise display with men who weren’t scratching their (own) armpits.

    Dog, huh, Chris. I’d like a dog, I’d have one if we had a bigger yard. I like Queensland Blue Heelers and Rhodesian Ridgebacks. But I can see the selling points of a big German Shepherd in this situation too. Dogs, however, are too male for this household (actually, another good selling point, come to think of it). The cats, although male, are cats, you know? And the tortoise is a female (I think).

    No, we’d have to get some sort of mean cat. An ocelot would be cool. I wonder if they can be trained to attack on command.
    “Mr. Living, sorry about the green peach! Now come get your ocelot off my grandson!”

  4. Def. get an ocelot.
    I hope grandma caned them both once or twice, and that they don’t get any marillenknoedl this season.