- Edvard Munch: Happy birthday, honey. Anything special you’d like to do for your day of days?
Mrs. Munch: Where are my flowers? I asked for nothing but a simple bouquet of flowers once a week.
Edvard Munch: Eh, I figured so many people would be giving you flowers today, I’d wait a couple days, you know, until those wilted and stuff before I started…
Mrs. Munch: Right.
Edvard Munch: Don’t get mad, honey.
- Mrs. Munch: What are the chances of you installing that bathroom furniture?
Edvard Munch: [Sigh] No problem! Right away. [Gets some tools, returns.] Man! I really have to do something about my shop! That’s a mess!
Mrs. Munch: That’s what I’ve been telling you.
Edvard Munch: Hey, this cabinet is busted. It… sheesh!
Mrs. Munch: They gave it to me for half off. I figured you’re capable, you can fix it.
Edvard Munch: It’s really fuc… it looks as if it fell from a great height. Look, it’s totally… [sigh] I’ll get my glue and vises.
Mrs. Munch: Good luck with the sink table thing.
Edvard Munch: I’ll do that first.
Mrs. Munch: I think it’s a couple centimeters higher than the old one.
Edvard Munch: [Measures] Eh, it’s a couple centimeters lower.
Mrs. Munch: I must have measured wrong. Oh well. You can do it.
Edvard Munch: [Stage whisper] I’ll survive this as long as I can finish before her father comes and helps me and makes everything even more complicated. [Normal voice] Honey, could you get me a bucket?
Mrs. Munch: How about this one?
Edvard Munch: No, the other one. The low one. And some paper towels. And newspapers. And a toothbrush and a coat hanger. [Stage whisper] And a pistol and one bullet. Or a long rope. Sheesh. Wonder what this does?
Mrs. Munch: Ick!
Edvard Munch: Years of hair, baby. Take some soap and whiskers, mix well, let sit for eight years, that’s what you get.
Mrs. Munch: You’re planning on cleaning up after you finish, right? The sink’s not level, you know.
Edvard Munch: I’m not finished yet. I have to shorten these little pipes here a bit because they used to fit but now with the lower sink they’re too long. [Stage whisper] At least, I think so. [Goes to his workshop, fetches hacksaw, steps in bucket, falls onto stack of tires.] [Addresses cat watching from shelf] What’re you looking at?
Cat: I’m waiting for you to leave so I can piss on everything.
Edvard Munch: [Returns to bathroom, saws 1.5 centimeters off each little pipe, reassembles everything for the third time.]
Mrs. Munch: Oh, dad’s here! He can help.
Edvard Munch: [Holds inhaler over face, breathes deep]
Edvard Munch’s father-in-law: Sink’s a bit high. Faucet seems to be holding it up. The little pipes are a bit long. They’re chromed copper pipes, usually, you know. Also the reticular matriculating verticulizer, have you checked that? I’m just saying.
Mrs. Munch: Hrm.
Edvard Munch: I, yes. It is. They are. I, I just cut a centimeter and a half off. Before that I had to drill a hole in the shelf so the pipe would fit.
Mrs. Munch: You should have seen that. That freaked me out.
Edvard Munch: I’ll cut another half a centimeter off. [Takes eveything apart again, cuts pipes, reassembles]
Mrs. Munch: Sure you’re doing that right?
Edvard Munch’s children: Can I wash my hands yet? Is it safe to flush the toilet?
Edvard Munch’s father-in-law: Plumbers can just bend that stuff with their bare hands.
Edvard Munch: I just got a great idea for a painting!
Mrs. Munch: You and your painting.
I love it!!
van gogh actually sliced his ear off because he couldn’t bear to hear “honey, take out the garbage” one more time.