A guy my daughter describes as fat, old and ugly groped her in a crowded subway yesterday and she noticed and told him off, and he stopped.
As the parent, one hears a story like this and fantasizes about being there, putting the perp in a sleeper hold and stuffing him into the nearest vending machine thru the coin-return slot, but life has other ideas, so we do other things: send our daughters, and sons, to self-defense classes; instill confidence in them rather than a sense of victimhood. And all that good stuff.
I am amazed and proud that Beta’s first thought when she realized what was happening (she gave me permission to write this post) was not “ick” or “help” it was “get your hands off me you pedo jerk or I’ll press charges” even if she ended up saying just, “stop that immediately.”
Someone else I know was groped on a train when she was about Beta’s age and was paralyzed with fear and has been burdened by the memory for a very long time, unable to ever tell her parents the story. So it was also a relief that my kid was able to tell me, as soon as I picked her up at the station, “geeze, you know what happened today?”
One worries, at least I do, about other situations. What if the subway car had been empty but for them. What about dark alleys. You drive them to the station, they climb out of the car and head for school, and you say just, “be careful,” and mean it.
I still like the vending machine idea, though.
I say the guy got lucky, he deserved far worse than he got.
it is wonderful that your daughter feels she can talk to you about this…it is more important than you possibly can realize. this ability to be able to communicate with you about such sensitive life material will shape who your daughter becomes and who she interacts with later. good on you both!
my own rules
a lot of fantastical things have happened to me in my short life. not all of them so good, but mentioning them in conversation, especially when one is out of his or her own cultural context, just gives others the…
I say give the girl a cigar. And one of those things for chopping the tips off cigars. Then put her back in the subway with the chopper thingy and see how long the fat turd’s fingers last.
Good for Beta. I’d like to grope the lousy perv’s eyeballs.
Def. send her to a self defence class. It can be fun, learning how to disable a man with only one’s own fingernails (go for the eyes. point, push, scoop), although elbows and boots are good, too. Tell her it’s ok to defend herself against the slowly creeping leg assault, too. You know, when a seatmate insists on pressing his leg against yours, no matter how much room you give them? The first easy line of defense is a Sharpie permanent marker, held uncapped at the perimeter of my lap, under whatever book or magazine I’m reading, but visible enough to the creeping creep. It’s their own damned fault if their suit is ruined, and from there it’s one easy step to, you know, stabbing with the ballpoint hidden next to it (also handy for emergency tracheotomies, if she crushes his windpipe).
I saw my sister groped in a most unusual way at the sound and light show near the Acropolis in Athens when she was 10 and I was 12. It shocked me as I never seen an erect penis before. She said nothing about it but she did push the man off the ledge we were standing on (he was encumbered by having his pants undone) he fell about 8 meters into bushes.
Why in the world do men behave like this? I
My daughter (who got your pin BTW, thank you, she didn’t even mention until I saw it on her school bag — I guess it passed the school test) just took a self-defense course and I have to say, seeing her kicking a 200# guy in the head at the graduation ceremony was one of the most satisfying moments of my life, especially since she’s getting to that age where she’s starting to go places unchaperoned. When I was her age, the best I could manage was a laughing “oh, stop it” or saying nothing, because I didn’t feel I had the right to get pissed off about it, and, like your friend, I still feel guilty/ashamed/etc. about some of the incidences, even though they were 20 years ago and I stopped putting up with that shit eventually. I’m so grateful my daughter (and yours) has more confidence and doesn’t have this twisted idea that she deserves it, or is asking for it.
er. cool test. Appearance of button on school bag indicates acceptable level of coolness. I’m sure her school’s fine with it, too ;)
I just recently learned about an experience my now-37 yr. old daughter had when she was in high school. She took the bus from here to where her sister lived–about 300 miles away–to be at her bridal shower. On the way back she fell asleep and when she woke up her seatmate’s hand was resting on her breasts. Needless to say, she will probably never take a bus again! (And she got a black belt in hapkido when she was in college, which came in handy when she was a patrol deputy.)
I have a friend who dragged an old man by the ear to the nearest police station after he flashed her. hehe, serve him right.
I have a friend who dragged an old man by the ear to the nearest police station after he flashed her. hehe, serve him right.
hey, where are my bug buttons?
i’m really impressed at beta. you must be so proud of her. good for you too.
and yes, i wish i had had the courage to do that when i was a child and things like that happened to me.
If this happens to all women, as it seems to, why isn’t there a class at school on this? Because this is nasty.
my daughter has sharp elbows with which she is very proficient. i am very grateful for that, except when she sleeps with me.
“Why in the world do men behave like this?”
There is every kind of sexual behavior. People are excited by everything. Licking stamps, for example. Polishing shoes. All you can do is try to prepare kids (boys, too, don’t forget) for general defense against surprise advances from teachers, janitors, neighbors, parents, etc. Teach them how to deliver such a quick and nasty shot, and to make such a noise, that the guy, if he’s still mobile, will only run like hell in the other direction.
“why isn’t there a class at school on this?”
That would be cool. I would even require it if I were emperor, and not just a one-day nut-kicking demonstration, though that’s always fun. More like you can’t graduate until you know one of the offered defense techniques (judo or karate or dirty street fighting or whatever makes sense; don’t ask me) to a certain level of proficiency. It would also help kids to avoid being intimidated and bullied.
Thanks a mil, Eeksy, now I’ll get all the stamp-licking f*tish searches. I agree that there is a broad spectrum of behaviors and that it’s as important for boys not to be victims as girls. Self-defense is important both for knowing how to fight dirty and to develop a non-victim attitude; but as I was telling my kid yesterday 9/10 of self defense is avoiding bad situations or recognizing them in time. As my own street-smarts IQ hovers around 45 or 50 I’m trying to figure out another way to help the kids with that. Also – self defense classes may be good, but how to fit them into a busy schedule?
I’ve heard that what many of these fellows enjoy is getting a reaction out of the victim, so in that way the kid reacted well, not yelling or running away, but telling 1 to stop and 2 to see a shrink.
Jessica, by the way, she liked your felt-tipped marker idea and is looking for something indelible in a bright, non-pants color.
Sorry, “stamp-licking f*tish” is of course “philatelophilia” and in extreme cases “philatelophagia.”
On the streets of philatelophilia…
Here are the full lyrics, if anyone’s interested:
the envelope was torn and tattered
illegible address to top it off
mail carrier says insufficient postage, you need more stamps
insufficient postage, story of my life
can’t never get enough stamps
Oh brother are you gonna leave me with a gummy tongue
On the streets of philatophilia
I walked the avenue till my legs felt like stone
Looking for an all night postage machine
Hey lady you gonna use all those stamps?
Who needs airmail when third class gets it there too
On the streets of philatophilia
Ain’t no mailman gonna greet me
It’s just you and I my wee square friend
your serrated edges thrill me
I walked a thousand miles just to lick you again
The night has fallen, I’m lyin’ awake
All I can taste is the glue clogging my tongue
but it’s nicer than cake
I sleep and dream of sheets of commemorative stamps
On the streets of philatophilia
Taxi for Mr Morphosism.
i don