Guys, I have a great idea for a holiday present, but it’s absolutely got to be a surprise, so women please don’t read this or you’ll spoil it, seriously.

You’ll ruin it, honest, so don’t look.

Really. Please. Don’t peak.

No peaking now.

Just trust me for once and don’t look. Guys only.

Ok, hi guys. I couldn’t think of any other way to keep women from reading this. Listen, the “blue balls” myth and the “semen is good for your skin” myth seem to have been debunked lately; it’s really too bad, we got a lot of mileage out of them. We’re still doing pretty well with the “assembling Ikea products is hard” myth and the “it takes six hours to have your oil changed” myth, I hope no one blows them.

But something needs to be done. We need to start some new myths, and that’s what I want to talk about today. I would do it myself, but everyone already knows I’m a lying weasel.

Here are a few suggestions, please add more in the comments:

1. “Men who get more sex do more housework.” This is an excellent prospect because the scientific foundation is already there, all we need to do is spin it a little.

2. It would also be nice to get something going involving “sex with men over 40″ such as it “increases their partners’ IQs by an average of 15 points, but only temporarily”. This would be a good one to spread in college towns during finals week, for example. For background facts, maybe you can use something from this site, or this one.
3. “Daily orgasm is good against prostate cancer.” This is a decent candidate to replace the “blue balls” myth, especially since a study recently suggested this very thing. (I tried doing a search for it, but all I found were pr0n sites.) I would suggest adding additional “facts” such as, solitary daily orgasms reduce the chances by 22% while orgasms with a partner have more than double the benefit, reducing the risk of prostate cancer by a whopping 46%, or something.
4. The benefits of the full-body massage. “By improving circulation, a massage improves a man’s hearing and eyesight, making him more likely to hear his partner when he/she says things like ‘garbage can is full’, and more likely to notice on his own that the bed needs making or bath towels need changing.” If you are not into giving massages yourself, you could always say “studies have proven that the male wrist suffers repetitive stress damage from the movements required when giving massages.”
5. “Fumes from cat litter cause impotence.”

Any other ideas?