The key to a happy life

People often ask me why I’m so happy all the time, so I’ll tell you. The key to a happy life is negative thinking. If you are able to expect worse than the worst, then anything is a postive surprise. It works like this:

  • Taking a shower: Expect boiling acid to squirt out of the showerhead when you turn it on. That way, when you turn the whatever it’s called and freezing water comes out, or scalding water, or rusty water or just a trickle, or a gecko you’re all, Yay! No boiling acid! Geckos are so pretty!

  • Driving to work in the first snow of the year that takes everyone by surprise so they’re risking it with their summer tires and having wrecks right and left: Expect to get in a pileup yourself, then sit for hours waiting for a tow truck until you pee your pants because you’re trapped inside your crushed car and can’t get out to take a leak. That way, when you’re stuck in a traffic jam for half an hour until some car gets towed away, you’re all, Yay! It wasn’t me! I mean, poor crunched SUV!
  • Job interview: not sure about this one yet. Job interviews seem to be as bad as it gets.
  • PTA meeting: same with this one. Although I have exercised my negative imagination for decades now, I still can’t come up with anything more mortifying than meeting with the anserine parents of the little savages who attend school with my wonderful little girl, especially combined with meeting with her blockheaded teacher and the patronizing school principal. One could go in there expecting raving space monkeys wearing red-hot battle suits to come swarming out of the blinking fluorescent lights in the ceiling atop rabid foaming flying fanged robot ponies with angle grinders for phalli fucking everyone there in the head and after five minutes, only five minutes of “well of course I don’t know what I’m talking about with the poking pencils in the eyes, if they really poked them actually in the eye then there’d be blood wouldn’t there? but I have two boys of my own and boys will be boys and if they get out of hand maybe someone needs to I heard of a principal in one school who locked a naughty kid in a broom closet and spanked him maybe kids need to know who’s boss I think the teacher is doing a marvelous job” and “now, now, now of course the kids can’t go anywhere on recess they’re still landscaping the playground that problem will solve itself they’ll just have to sit motionless in their seats for a few more weeks that will take care of itself let me illustrate the situation with this children’s book about a school where all the animals learn things, see here’s a picture of what’s this a picture of can you see it it’s a picture it’s a horse trying to climb a tree now what’s that tell you and here’s the owl…” and “well maybe your kid needs perfect silence to learn something, my kids are robust” and after only five minutes of this, although of course you’re subjected to over an hour of it, you’re thinking, “What’s taking the goddamn space monkeys?”

6 responses to “The key to a happy life

  1. job interviews are as bad as it gets.
    Thanks for agreeing with me!

  2. I am so in that PTA meeting.

    Next time I’m bringing the monkeys myself, just to make sure they show.

  3. Geckos are so pretty!

    I am SO not looking forward to the day when Charlotte starts school and I have to put on my own red-hot battle suit to wage war with the space monkeys.

  4. mig

    For a number of reasons, including that I am an idiot and have no business instructing children in anything besides elementary HTML, I am opposed to *me* homeschooling *my* children. I am sure that, somewhere out there, there are parents wise enough to do such a thing. It’s just not me. But I caught myself thinking, fuck all this, I’m homeschooling her. Then I came to my senses.

  5. At my school, we party with the space monkeys after all the children have left. I keep mine locked in a closet next to the kid from last year who is still working on writing “I will not inhale magic marker fumes or eat glue” 5 billion times. He’s currently on number 476,875. I expect to let him go on to fourth grade some time in 2006.

  6. I have been nursing for over 22 years. I have become very familiar with death. I have “laid out” more dead bodies than I can remember, not to mention holding the hands of those you died while they were busy doing it. I know with certainty that our time on this earth can STOP, suddenly, for a multitude of reasons, whatever age we are. This is my secret to being happy. For if today was the last day of my life, how would I like to spend it? In a bad mood, gazing at the world through a jaded perspective, whining and whinging and spouting negativism? No…I don’t think so. Life is too short to be shitty. Of course that works well in theory, but what about in practice? Ha! Well, most of the time it works for me….Peace, Love and MungBeans…