Starring The Osbournes

Scene 1

Happy Hour. Mom, Dad and Baby are seated at table at boutique hotel on beach in Lombok, watching tropical sunset.

Guy on Beach: Would you like bracelet for your daughter? I make it myself!

Mom, Dad & Baby (In unison): Maybe later.

Waiter (brings drinks).

Dad: (sips Long Island Iced Tea)

Mom: (To Baby) What did you get? That looks good. Can I taste it?

Baby: Mojito. (Slides it over).

Mom: I’m not getting anything.

Dad: Damn, what was the name of that band two songs ago?

Baby: You have a mint leaf stuck in your straw.

Mom: Am I wearing this inside-out?

Guy on Beach: I can make it with your name.

Mom, Baby & Dad: (In unison) Maybe later.

Dad: Two words. Damn. Adjective, one was an adjective. One had a vowel.

Baby: Only one? Is it a Czech band or something?

Mom: Can I eat your fruit ornament?

Baby: Led Zeppelin? Pink Floyd?

Dad: More modern. Something in the PJ Harvey category. Sort of.

Baby: I’m not into jazz.

Dad: It’s not jazz! They have a theremin. That is, they don’t have a theremin, I just thought they did. They have a thereminy sounding synth.

Mom: Your dad says I can’t buy any pearls.

Dad: That’s not precisely what I said. What I said was, It’s your vacation, do whatever you want.

Baby: The Who? Pearl Jam? Mod Honey?

Baby: I’m so fat.

Mom & Dad: You’re not fat.

Mom: You’re totally hot.

Baby: I know I’m hot. But I’m flabby, too.

Mom & Dad: You need to sleep right, get more exercise and eat 3 meals a day. And you’re not flabby. We’d pay good money to be as not flabby as you.

Baby: (Rolls eyes.) You’re in your fifties.

Dad: What?

Baby & Mom: (Roll eyes)

Dad: What? The surf is loud. I’m a rock star. 120 decibles on stage every night. What?

Mom: Black Sabbath?

Scene 2

(Breakfast. Hotel restaurant)

Dad: I’ll have the fried rice. With sambal please.

Waiter: Sambal ketchup or sambal oelek?

Dad: What?

Waiter: Lombok sambal?

Dad: Yeah, the spicy kind.

Waiter: Okay, you asked for it.

Dad: PORTISHEAD! Portishead.

Baby & Mom: (Raise eyebrows, exchange look)

Mom: Two words?

Baby: Adjective?

Dad: What? There’s a vowel.

Baby: Who wants my papaya?

Mom: I’ll trade you a pineapple.

Dad: Portishead, Portishead, Portishead. That was driving me CRAZY!

Dad: Portishead.

Mom: I bet the pearls cost more in town and aren’t as nice.

Dad and Baby: (In unison) It’s your vacation, do whatever you want.

Dad: William Gibson retweeted my tweet.

Mom & Baby: (Roll eyes)

Dad: That Lulur massage sure was nice yesterday. Anything that lasts 2 hours and leaves you naked and covered in yogurt…

Mom & Baby: Portishead

Scene 3

(In gift shop complex)

Mom: Do you have enough cash for a box?

Dad: It’s your vacation… do they take credit cards? I have plenty, if they do.

Man selling illegal DVDs: Four for 200,000.

Dad: (to man) Just a sec. (to Baby) See if they have The American. (to Mom) Hang on, if they only take cash, I’ll have to see how much this guy ends up… (to man) four for 200,000? What about five for 200,000.

Young man with ultra dark tan, big white smile and black dreadlocks: (To Baby) Nice sunglasses. I like the color. You wanna swap?

Dad: (Rolls eyes)

Young man: What’s your name?

Baby: Baby…

Dad: (Buys some DVDs, then buys box, then some more stuff)

(To be continued)