Secret New Year’s Resolutions

Somebody asked me whether I had made any New Year’s resolutions and if so what one of them was.

I made up some bullshit thing. I don’t remember what. Probably “quit smoking.”

I started smoking in the last week of December, in order to have a bad habit to resolve to give up, and also Christmas had been stressful. All that family, all that disappointment to deal with because you misheard what people wanted. Or because you got them what they said they wanted, precisely, and not what they implied they really wanted.

So, officially, “quit smoking”. Nothing like starting the year with a big success.

Secretly, I resolved to take the advice I give other people.

It’s all about Jung, and the Shadow, and projection. If somebody is doing something that doesn’t wind you up, you generally don’t feel compelled to give them advice. If something they do really bugs you, then maybe it’s an issue you need to deal with yourself, on one level or another.

To date, I have taken the following advice:

  • Stay in the right lane if you’re not going to go the speed limit, moron.
  • Park between the lines, it’s not that hard.
  • In on the gas, out on the clutch.
  • If you can’t find ‘em, grind ‘em.
  • Don’t be an asshole.
  • Clean up after yourself.
  • Complaining about being fat doesn’t burn many calories. If you want to lose weight, you have to exercise more and eat less.
  • Don’t sharpen your claws on the goddamned furniture.
  • Stay out of the Christmas tree.
  • Throw out the old clothes you no longer wear.
  • Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice.
  • Try to read more.
  • Clean up after yourself.
  • The time will come when invisibility is no longer the best response.

More to come.

(What are your New Year’s resolutions?)

4 responses to “Secret New Year’s Resolutions

  1. My new year’s resolution is to shoot myself every time I see a blog post that ends with a transparent ploy to encourage comments.

  2. Lots of things, but none as fun-nee as yours.
    – Make big changes in my life and *not* complain about the process
    – Send out at least one story a month to some publication somewhere
    – Finish my book. Like, really finish it.
    – Purchase a keyboard & finally start taking piano lessons, since this is the last year on Earth left to do it (impending explosion: 2012)
    – Make more references about 2012
    – Go on a date with someone cute.

  3. sfxzfvh

    You’re friends with Ian Dunlop!!!