The colossal squid, Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni is thought to grow even larger than the giant squid (Architeuthis dux). Despite this fact, few people have ever heard of it.
This is because few people ever descend to depths below 1000 m in Antarctic waters, where it lives; not even squid fans.
Because of this, nothing is known about its life history, diet, or behavior.
Until now.
Life history: the colossal squid grew up in a blue-collar household.
Diet: yo-yo, alas. The cabbage soup diet worked best, but the squid’s brain was so glucose starved it was delirious towards the end, and never really recovered. Also, it is tired of running sushi.
Behavior: the colossal squid likes to float deep underwater, looking up at the sun, which looks blue from that depth.
Once it watched a young woman sitting on a dock at sunrise. She didn’t know she was being watched (of course not: the squid was a thousand meters underwater; remember this the next time you feel you’re being watched) and was happy. The colossal squid often recalls the scene, because the memory of her happiness makes it happy, too.
Just when the colossal squid finds itself getting used to the idea of being a failed, miserable, unknown nobody, it is reminded that it is a hero to its children.
Anatomy: the colossal squid does not have a hectocotylus (an arm used to transfer spermatophores to the female). Generally, species that lack a hectocotylus have a relatively large penis. The colossal squid has been known to mention this at cocktail parties, after a couple martinis.
The colossal squid makes up 77% of the biomass found in sperm whale stomachs.
I was in a bar in London the other day with an arctic seal, and after a few rounds of Jamesons he told me you make most of this shit up. Was he just drunk or was he lying?
According to the pygmy penguins I know, it’s the colossal squids that are notorious liars. They also attract comment spam.
cj
A colossol squid thikning it’s a failed, miserable, unknown nobody is still very much a colossal squid, and is in the very least very important to sperm whales, and net surfers.
It should forgo the runing sushi. And in as much as sperm whales are now considered an endangered species, there may be less to worry about in that direction.
I was in a bar in London the other day with an arctic seal, and after a few rounds of Jamesons he told me you make most of this shit up. Was he just drunk or was he lying?
arctic seals are notorious liars.
you are damn funny, and what isn’t funny is also perfectly not funny.
both so good.
According to the pygmy penguins I know, it’s the colossal squids that are notorious liars. They also attract comment spam.
A colossol squid thikning it’s a failed, miserable, unknown nobody is still very much a colossal squid, and is in the very least very important to sperm whales, and net surfers.
It should forgo the runing sushi. And in as much as sperm whales are now considered an endangered species, there may be less to worry about in that direction.