Left to which, I observed this morning, I transform into a single cube of carrot and one of broccoli embedded in a shiny tan aspic of sloth, depression, headaches, fatigue and nosebleeds; or, rather, into Julie Andrews in her dirndl on the Salzburg hillside, arms outstretched, point of view swooping from a medium close-up showing the edelweiss and the smile on Julie’s face, to a long shot revealing the amazing scenery, except it’s shot from a Nazgul, not a helicopter, and it’s not amazing scenery or even a hillside, but the inside of my house and the only sound is not music, it’s the clock ticking, and the wind outside, and the coffee machine, maybe, finishing its perk, and the PC fan, and it’s not a dirndl, it’s sweatpants and a t-shirt and this stretched-out dark grey fleece sweatshirt thing and I’m not dancing and twirling and singing, just walking from room to room opening curtains, or closing them.

Left to my own devices, I think, I neither paint nor do the collages I’d planned nor play the cello nor do extra work nor write nor get extra sleep nor exercise nor anything.

My devices are:

1. Loneliness, which I like to think does not bother me, but which I actually secretly use to enter a profound state of melancholy misery.

2. Misery, to which I think I have a certain attraction, if not addiction.
3. Catatonia, which supports the first two.
4. Wind, which the band will be playing the day I lose my mind completely. It is my least favorite weather, below freezing rain, below even fire, brimstone or toads. You can’t see it, yet it pushes your car off the road. Just like time.
5. Something else. I could continue this list, but it would sound like self pity.
6. Self pity: I wonder about this one. Is it my device? Or would stoicism and self-deprecation be? What is the relationship between the two (three)? Do they all cloud clear, non-judgemental vision of what actually is?

So I played the cello and left a little later for work. They played Maurizio Cazzati on the radio, Capriccio sopra sette note, played by Sonatori de la Gioiosa Marca, which just so totally rocked.
And it’s sunny.